Want to feel ten years younger? If you’re between forty and eighty-nine years old you can; just use the techniques that follow. (If you’re ninety or older these techniques will not work. Nothing will. Just try not to embarrass everyone by printing this out, smearing it with ketchup and eating it.)- Make a youthful fashion statement by mutilating yourself.Impale your privates! Stick something decorative through your nose o...

A recent posting echoed the popular belief that it is inappropriate for senior males to stalk younger women. Though understandable this belief is misguided. When a senior stalks a young lady the senior, society as a whole, and thus even the young stalkee all come out ahead.(1) A senior stalking a young woman is a healthier senior.“If you’re gonna stalk then you have to walk….” This age-old adage is as true now as it was w...

The years had passed as had desire. We simply didn’t have the fire that once consumed us many years ago. But you still ached to feel that spark that once caused magic in the dark. To feel your passions rage and ebb and flow. One day you said it would be swell to find ourselves a nice hotel and go and have a little summer fling. We could give romance a shove and re-ignite our carnal love. The earth would move and we would...

2012, All Rights Reserved “I’m deserting you for a while,” Eve said. “I’m going shopping today. Tell me that you’ll miss me. I love it when you tell me that you’ll miss me.” “I’ll miss you,” I responded. “I’ll show you how much when you get back.” Eve smiled and her beautiful eyes were twinkling. I loved bantering with her in bed in the morning. “And I don’t know what you’re hesitant about,” I said. “Marry me today! I’m h...

The newly born emerges in innocence. A new life’s journey begins soon. But as I gaze upon him I see not an angel. I see a prune. The countenance is a shriveled, purple, wrinkly mass. The pate is itself crowned with all manner of irregular ridges and bumps. And I see neither heavenly nor angelic forms when the child spews forth his fecal lumps. Others stare and proclaim that he has his Mother’s eyes as they dote and fawn i...

Many years ago an acquaintance asked me, “Do you hate your ex-wife?” “Of course not!” I replied as we strolled about the grounds. “Why would you think that?” “Well,” he responded, “she deserted you for a younger man, but still got alimony, child support, the house, car, kids, and dog in the divorce settlement. As I recall, your wages were garnished. And if you ever do retire, she will get half of your annuity. Don’t you f...

I fell in love with her the first time I saw her. I found out later that often happens when men meet mermaids. I still smile and feel warm and giddy inside when I remember the very first words that she said to me on that deserted beach. “Get the hell off of me, you pervert! What do you think you’re doing?” I removed my hands from her rib cage. “CPR,” I said. “You were unconscious, not breathing! I was doing chest compress...

As I looked at my new psychiatrist Dr. Milford, I could see the gears turning. He had one of those transparent clocks in front of him on his desk. I could also see that he was thinking about what I had said. “So,” Dr. Milford said, “you are incapable of being serious about anything, you always act like a childish, boorish ass, and you alienate everyone with incessant silly, inane, inappropriate, immature jokes and antics....

I care not if the sky burns red and human flesh is seared. I care not if all souls just rot as many long have feared. I wait for when the birds don’t fly and locusts take the grain. I hope the fertile soil turns red from poisoned acid rain. I dream to see the lakes all boil and swollen throats be dry. I rejoice when the hopes and dreams of good men fade and die. I laugh when fearful citizens are slaughtered just like shee...

When we first met your perfect skin felt smooth to my slow touch. I know now that was one small reason why I loved so much. When we first kissed your long black tresses almost touched the ground. Another small joy making you so nice to be around. When we first loved your agile body intertwined with mine. To feel as if we both were one was truly quite divine. The day we wed we smiled and laughed and danced the night away....

A wondrous thing that happens as your exit becomes near, is that bad “long-term” consequences need not cause you fear! Bottom line: there’s no “long-term” when soon you’ll see your savior! The construct is just meaningless, so why restrain behavior? Melanoma matters not, go tan in the bright sun. Enjoy your favorite cigarette after the browning’s done. Who cares if cholesterol results in heart disease? Eat that double bac...

I saw her photos on her wall and I thought I’d give her a call and so that night we videoed with Skype. I looked at her, she looked at me and in an instant we could see that we both felt we were each other’s type. As we both stared I just sent text hoping for what might come next. I asked, “Can we do cyber-sex tonight?” She typed back in a fancy font “I know exactly what you want.” She said, “I do think it would be alrigh...

There’s nothing that will make my soul more mellow than a luscious bowl of freshly made green Jell-O. It’s smooth and sweet, magnificent to taste. And there’s no crust, which means there is no waste! Thus every molecule will make me smile as I spoon through the green translucent pile! The perfect cubes demand my soft tongue’s touch. Another reason I love it so much. Jell-O slides down my awaiting throat, gliding on a thin...

I could say that your eyes were like the brightest sparkling jewels! Or just that they are pretty like your face. I could proclaim your bearing as magnificent and queenly! Or just that you do have a bit of grace. I might observe that your long hair was golden. As brilliant as the full bright mid-day sun! Or I could just say that it looked quite lovely. That seeing it or touching it was fun. I could sigh that your skin fel...

It is a blessing that we cry if love we have begins to die and thus we have to face life all alone. If hubby smacks us in the head or wifey cheats in our own bed or doggy chokes on a soft sirloin bone. If son is hurt by angry thugs because he owes them for his drugs and there is no insurance to pay his bill. If daughter says she is with baby yet daddy’s name is still a maybe since she forgot to take her little pill. For l...