Want to feel ten years younger? If you’re between forty and eighty-nine years old you can; just use the techniques that follow. (If you’re ninety or older these techniques will not work. Nothing will. Just try not to embarrass everyone by printing this out, smearing it with ketchup and eating it.)

- Make a youthful fashion statement by mutilating yourself.

Impale your privates! Stick something decorative through your nose or nipple or labia or scrotum. Punch a tie tack through your tongue. Whatever you use was probably made in China from baked cow dung and radioactive waste, but who cares? If you’re not quite ready for the real deal there are some rings that temporarily attach. But be advised that there have been cases of people swallowing them.

- Get a tattoo like young people do, but pick the right type of image.

Let the guy wipe off the needle with his snotty hanky and do his thing! BUT DO NOT make the mistake of getting detailed, ornate artwork. As skin sags with age it destroys the integrity of fancy images. Stick to amorphous shapes, like clouds and falling raindrops. As the years pass by the clouds will just look like bigger clouds, and the raindrops will just look like they’ve fallen closer to the ground.

- Especially effective strategy! Spend time with younger sick people.

Say that you are fifty-five years old. You have arthritis in both hips from your football days, and it can be hard just to walk across a room. Sometimes your wife has to help you stand and pee.

Go visit some forty-two year old waiting for a lung transplant! One who constantly gasps and wheezes and can’t take a step without their oxygen tank. Realize that you could give them a ten step handicap in a race, overtake them, and beat the hell out of them if you chose to do so! Embrace and revel in the primeval rush that comes from knowing that you are more potent and powerful than a much younger and perhaps larger adult human. You will feel at least ten years younger.

Even if you’re the poor 42-year-old schlump with the inelastic Swiss Cheese lungs you have options! Drag your portable oxygen tank over to your motorized wheel chair, plop your bluish butt down, and go visit younger people on ventilators or in comas! Find a hospice worker (other than your own) that will let you accompany them on their hospital rounds! It’s a win-win situation if the people you visit can sense your presence! If not, no harm no foul, and it’s still a win for you! Either way you’ll feel better focusing on their physical plight and your relatively greater health and potency.

- Avoid tactile cues of aging; never touch yourself skin to skin!

Wear mink-lined gloves or an appropriate substitute. They’ll foster the illusion of skin softness and make warts, wrinkles, liver spots, and various assorted disgusting benign growths and imperfections tactilely imperceptible.

Always use extremely viscous bath oils and lotiony soaps to maintain the illusion of smooth skin when you wash. If you must scratch yourself use a back-scratcher. (An exception is judicious nose-picking; clogged nasal passages are in fact rough and bumpy so you can use bare fingers.)

- Avoid visual cues of aging; never look at yourself!

Remove all reflective surfaces from your home including mirrors and shiny pots and pans. (Use non-stick cookware only, and toasters and counter-top broiler/ovens with the non-reflective white covering.) Eat with plastic silverware.

Shower and bathe in very dim light. One very important tip: Learn to go to the bathroom with your eyes shut! The strategic placement of floor mats and fuzzy toilet seat lid decorations makes this easy. Just use the following algorithm if you have to use the head:

With eyes shut, use the floor mats to guide you so you are facing the toilet. Then bend, reach down, and feel whatever is there.

Case one: You feel something fuzzy. Then lift the lid.

> If female or if male with brown turn 180 degrees, sit, and proceed.
> If male with yellow reach down again and lift the seat, then arise. DO NOT TURN 180 degrees. Just proceed.

Case two: Your hand is in water.

>If female then drop seat, turn 180 degrees, sit, and proceed.
> If male with brown proceed as if female.
> If male with yellow stand and proceed; do not turn.
> If self-cleaning bleach was used in toilet run hand under cold water.

Case three: You feel a big donutty thing (the seat).

> Follow above what-to-do-after-the-seat-is down procedures.

A smart phone app is being developed to talk people through this.

- Avoid taste cues that you are aging; never taste yourself!

No elaboration is provided here, and a strong case can be made that everyone should adopt this strategy regardless of age or circumstance. Even if it’s your lover that’s showing signs of aging just keep your mouth shut.

- Pursue a dream; don’t let anyone or anything stop you!

John lives a few miles away from me in a magnificent home. He eats the best food, drinks the finest wine, and parties every weekend! All this happened after he achieved his dream. At the age of thirty-eight John completed the advanced degree that he always wanted. He was awarded a doctorate in Forensic Pottery. Then he moved back in with his parents.

Did anyone tell John that the demand for Forensic Potters wasn’t that great? Yes, they did. Or that the twelve who do get hired each year (in the Western Hemisphere) start at around 35K? Yes again. But John did not let that stop him! He pursued his dream, and now he lives like a king.

You can implement a similar strategy! Withdraw everything you have in the bank and/or get the largest home equity loan that you can. Then invest every last penny of it in a drive-thru Feng shui business. After it tanks you’ll find lots of younger people to hang around and commiserate with. And they will give you tips on how to move back in with your parents too! (By the way, do NOT set the business up next to a Starbucks. It might become profitable.)

If your parents are elderly or ill there may be hard compatibility issues to overcome. (Used catheters lying around or teeth smiling at you from water glasses, for example, might really turn you off.) But the bright side is that they’re probably easily fooled and exploited! You can convince them to let you live rent free and give you an allowance like the Forensic Potter did! It’s the ultimate irony! John, the Forensic Potter, maintains an excellent life style even though he is $300,000 in debt, has no job, and really doesn’t have the proverbial pot to piss in and use as a potty! It’s double irony! Maybe triple if you allow pot, potty, and John! Maybe quadruple if you consider iron pots!

- Avoid odor cues that you are aging; mask your true body smell!

Relocate, as in move next to a stable, a fish market, or a sewer treatment plant. Get a job fertilizing lawns or servicing septic tanks. If you can’t relocate or change careers, just go to bars and sit close to people who do the things mentioned above.

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There you have it! Foolproof, easy, and effective techniques to feel younger! There are tens of thousands of signed affidavits from people who have successfully tested these strategies under controlled conditions! Unfortunately, the North Korean government is refusing to release them. But here are snippets from some that I do have from various places around the world.

Testimonials

Bertilda (Leipzig, Germany, 53 years old) - “After visiting young emphysema patients at the hospital I felt youthful and energized! I started walking every day. Then last summer I climbed Mt. Everest without an oxygen mask and naked! Ang, my Sherpa sweetie guide, fell in love with me and we got married. I’m expecting a little German Sherpa this fall!”

Esha (Banswara, India, 64 years old) - “Your tip about fuzzy toilet seat cover decorations and the simple algorithm provided were terrific! You didn’t cover locating the toilet paper, but since in India we usually use our left hand anyway it doesn’t make any difference!”

Doug (Greendell, New Jersey, 49 years old) - ”I did the Feng shui thing! I’m back home now and loving it. I’m living rent free, and when I cash my parents’ social security checks I just skim off part for spending money. I have a sexy fifty-five year old girlfriend that also uses your techniques.”

Suzi (Greendell, New Jersey, 55 years old) - ”My forty-nine year old boyfriend Doug thinks the amoeba tattoo on my butt is so hot!”

Zahir (Patuakhali, Bangladesh, 96 years old) - “I printed out your article and ate it. It tasted great even without the ketchup!”