I was hoping that my new psychiatrist could help me conquer my fear of going outdoors. I had just finished explaining my situation to him.“It really is true,” Dr. Merlin said. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!" “Maybe if your only problem is a weak heart!” I noted. “But I find the thought of a crocodile twisting off my privates in a pond fear inducing!”“Just avoid crocodile-infested ponds,” Dr. Merlin sugges...

The question was whether I should kill him very slowly or just slowly. He was sitting on the ground badly injured after his fall. His back was propped up against the base of a large rock. I kept my revolver aimed at his chest. I was standing about ten feet away.“Ya gotta be hubbie, right?” he asked. “Cause ya sure don’t look like no cop or ranger.”“Yes,” I responded. “I’m the husband.”“Yer a lucky man!” he said. “She was...

“I’ll rip off one of those dumb horns and shove it up your nose you stupid, red jerk!” Angie shouted. The angel told me that I could call her Angie.“Go ahead! Try it, you disgusting, pathetic pure white virginal pompous prude!” Beezie retorted. “You’ll be sorry.” Beelzebub said I could call him Beezie“Please folks, can’t we all just get along?” I asked. That, of course, was me. Henry Jenkins, forty-two, a tad overweight,...

A recent poem that I submitted was rejected by an editor here. It was a piece about hope, struggle, love, tenderness, and overcoming fear. It dealt with the hardship of sacrifice and the heavenly joy of lovers’ intimacy. It described one man’s struggle to overcome his limitations so that another could benefit.The piece was originally entitled “I Knew a Chap Horatio who Struggled with Fellatio.” Because the editor criticiz...

A stark blank pagean empty mindthe signs of ageare not too kindas skills and memorybegin to fade.Forgotten wordsa frozen tonguea trembling handare all amongthe fearful thingsof aging’s promenade.Foul smelling clothesa dumb blank starea dripping noselong grey nose haira lonely seniorin a barren room.Dribbling spitand gibberish rantswith yellow stainson underpantsboth legacyand precursor of doom.The signs of lifenow slowly...

It’s hard to get an alert, physically fit, conscious wife into a coffin without her knowing it. Blindfolding her helps, but if it’s dark because all the lights are off it’s still a difficult task. I had just put Veronica into the coffin after bumping her head against it for a third time.“That’s it! Three strikes and you’re out!” Veronica screamed. She sat up in the coffin and ripped off the blindfold. “Go turn on the ligh...

My life begins when you come near.Just lying here.In my embrace.Our sacred place.I caress with a gentle hand.You understand.You look at me.Then ecstasy.Exquisitely we become one.Await the sun.Then we arise.With smiling eyes.

I often wonder why I exist.A divine plan or simply chance?I have no faith to tell me.The answer eludes me.I may never know.But I’m at peace.I have love.I feel.You.

Oh to be your fellow hot tubberand share the feel of soft warm blubberas bodies sway ‘neath gleaming stars at night.How magnificent and freshto softly caress excess fleshwhile we hold dampened lipids close and tight.Tonight I'll have a vivid dreamabout love in your hot tub steamwith boundless passions as we groan and boil!But alas when comes tomorrow's mornthis hot, wet, steamy rhyming pornwill just have left me with more...

“Daddy, he is soooooooo beautiful!” my eight-year-old daughter Susie cooed. He was. The magnificent white unicorn was on his hind legs. His long mane was flowing, embedded diamonds in his horn twinkled in the moonlight, and his whinnying was reverberating throughout our family room. Susie was in my lap. Her gorgeous blue eyes were open wide and she was smiling from ear to ear.“I think there’s more coming, Hon,” I said to...

He gave me quite a whack after I grabbed his bulging sack! (Santa left his toy bag on the floor.) IF THESE OPENING LINES EVOKE A SMILE (or better a guffaw) PLEASE CONSIDER READING THE REST OF THIS POEM. It might tickle your fancy (wherever that is)! BUT IF THEY OFFEND YOU PLEASE SKIP THIS PIECE. (You’ll think that what follows is worse!) …………..…………..….…………Depraved Christmas Misunderstandings (in its entirety) by Rantingse...

My knees began to wobbleas I heard your final gobbleand the ax came down and severed off your head.I knew you had a brotherand a father and a motherbut I chose to see you just as food instead.It must be so unnervingknowing you will be a servingand that being eaten is your final fate!It must be quite distressingknowing that with some brown dressingyou will be a meal on someone’s plate.But come the morning afterwhen there w...

Silently we touched in bed.I offered you my shoulder and you laid down your head.I celebrated the smell of your skin and your hair.I thanked god Himself that you were there!And then for the first time it became quite clear.I realized what a treasure you were, my dear.I knew because of what you did and did not do.And I knew that I was totally in love with you.What soon unfolded was a magical eventthat was profound yet inno...

I hit the sack with some old witchI figured had to be quite rich.But she flew out when I ran out of candy.Then I was tricked by this young bratwho dumped me for a big black cat.She told me that he treated her just dandy!Next I made a young girl sighby eating her whole pumpkin pie.She stole my cash and played me for a fool.A ghostly senior my next pick,then a skeleton babe who was anorexicand looked like some emaciated gho...

By using today’s technology you can lessen the pain that your passing causes loved ones. All it takes is a little bit of planning and the help of a trusted friend. What follows are observations and suggestions from people current, past, and passed about how to lessen shock and help people cope when you expire. (1) You are the best person to tell others that you are dead. So do it! Just proceed as follows. (Note: Though th...