It’s hard to get an alert, physically fit, conscious wife into a coffin without her knowing it. Blindfolding her helps, but if it’s dark because all the lights are off it’s still a difficult task. I had just put Veronica into the coffin after bumping her head against it for a third time.

“That’s it! Three strikes and you’re out!” Veronica screamed. She sat up in the coffin and ripped off the blindfold. “Go turn on the lights! I still can’t see anything!”

“Please,” I begged, “just one more try? I worked so hard to set this up! And besides, you know that I can’t make love with the lights on.”

“You can’t make love in the dark either if I punch you in the groin!” Veronica accurately observed. “Would you rather turn on the light or have swollen nuts?”

“Is that a rhetorical question?” I asked. “Owww!” Veronica had jabbed me in the kidney.

“Is that a rhetorical ouch?” she asked.

I actually liked it when Veronica treated me rough! It got the juices flowing! Of course, just about anything got my juices flowing. I was capable of exactly six emotional states: aroused, very aroused, incredibly aroused, pathologically aroused, briefly satisfied, and temporarily latent. Any other emotion I had to fake. I used the inverse-Viagra concept. I called the doctor if I went four hours without arousal.

“O.K.” I said dejectedly. “I’ll turn the lights on.” My shoulders drooped as did another part of my anatomy.

Veronica was in every way my physical superior. She had a black belt in Karate. She also knew Jiu-Jitsu and a bit of Kung-fu. She had a wonderfully firm, limber, graceful body. There was no doubt who wore the pants in this family. And that was fine by me! Veronica looked so hot in pants! Veronica looked so hot in dresses! Veronica looked so hot in anything! Veronica looked so hot in nothing! Veronica was…..well….hot.

I walked over to the nightstand near our bed, flipped on the lamp, and went back to the coffin. Veronica let her eyes adapt for a few moments, and then she surveyed the situation. She shook her head when she realized what she was sitting in.

“Sometimes you worry me!” Veronica said. “Actually, sometimes you nauseate me.”

“I did what you told me to do!” I said. “You said that you wanted to act out a dark fantasy! I offered lots of suggestions! You said I should just shut up and go and surprise you! Surprise!”

“Necrophilia isn’t dark. It’s sick!” Veronica commented.

“Necrophilia has nothing to do with this!” I stated. “Just because I put you in a coffin draped in a sheet does not make it necrophilia! Just because I asked you to lie back and hold your breath and not talk and be motionless does not make it necrophilia! Just because I put your hands on your chest and said to go limp while I lift you up and put you on the bed does not make it necrophilia!”

“Then what is it?” Veronica asked.

That was an excellent question! And a lesser man, limited by things like integrity, compassion, and truth might have been stumped by it. But I was not a lesser man.

“Vampires!” I explained “You were supposed to be a sleeping vampire. I was even going to get you vampire teeth but they were out of them at the store.”

“A vampire?” Veronica asked.

“Yes,” I responded. “Vampires are all the rage these days! Books, television, movies. Envision this. You are a gorgeous vampiress, sleeping the silent sleep of the undead in your coffin. I caress your magnificent form and then take you to the bed. And then I awaken you! You begin to breathe again! Vampires hate the light. That’s another reason why the lights had to be off, by the way. It wasn’t just because I can only make love in the dark.”

Veronica stared at me skeptically. But I didn’t care. I was turning myself on with my own narrative!

“I awaken you with my darkly erotic passionate touching and kissing!” I continued. “Your body is covered with sweat!”

“Vampires sweat?” Veronica asked.

“That’s why they always want blood,” I explained. “To replace all the salt that they lose! But anyway, here’s the best part. After you arise, it is you that completely take over! You are in complete control! I sit hypnotized, transfixed as you sensuously slip off the satin sheet and tease and torment me with your supple body! You are my Mistress! You stand there naked and powerful and…..”

“And sweaty,” Veronica noted.

“Yes, sweaty!” I said.

“I’m your sweaty vampire sweetie,” Veronica quipped.

“Yes, my sweaty sweetie! You don’t have to make a joke out of it! Anyway,” I continued, “I look up in adoring worship at your perfect form! I reach out and touch your thigh. You smile…..”

“This doesn’t sound to me like I’m the one in control,” Veronica observed. “You’re calling all the shots so far.”

“You are!” I continued. “I’ll cut to the chase! You are my Mistress and you use me and abuse me and force me to do whatever I need to do to send you into ecstatic paroxysms of climatic bliss over and over and over!”

Veronica laughed. “Climatic bliss? You left out the ‘c.’ I think you meant climactic, not climatic, Baby. You said climatic.”

“That too!” I replied. “Because you get real hot! Oh Darling, tonight was to be all about you, not me. It was supposed to be the perfect anniversary surprise! I am so sorry that I made you hit your head. Can I kiss it and make it better.”

“That’s not necessary,” Veronica responded. “Vampires heal fast.”

“Will you kiss mine and make it better? Owww!” Veronica had jabbed me again.

I had to suppress my increasing self-induced excitement. If Veronica noticed it she would reasonably dismiss anything that I said as the manipulative lies of an aroused pervert. So I resorted to one of my dependable method acting techniques. I recalled when my poor dog Skippy was hit by a truck when I was a little child. My passion then subsided quickly. I even looked remorseful as I let my head droop and looked down at the floor at his imaginary poor grotesque squashed form.

“It really was just a vampire game?” Veronica asked. “I mean, I guess a vampire game isn’t so bad.”

I raised my head back up and looked at Veronica.

“Yes, really!” I responded. “Why else would I suggest getting you teeth for heaven’s sakes!”

But when I looked at Veronica again I forgot about Skippy! So I switched to another proven method. I put a hand behind my back and dug my thumbnail into my middle finger as hard as I could! The pain subdued my passion.

“Maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt,” Veronica said doubtfully.

Aha! The momentum had shifted in my favor! And then I had another great idea! I went for the kill. I went for the jugular.

“Veronica,” I said, “do you realize what a rare and wonderful thing just happened between us?”

“That I didn’t get a concussion when I hit my head on the coffin?” Veronica asked.

“I’m serious,” I said. “Think about it, Hon. I felt so safe and secure with you that I unhesitatingly opened up my soul completely! I shared my innermost, darkest, uncensored feelings. I knew that you would still love me. Do you not realize how special that is?” I used this approach whenever appropriate and called it the combined Oprah and Doctor Phil attack.

I had struck a nerve! I saw doubt and a tinge of guilt in Veronica’s beautiful blue eyes. In Veronica’s beautiful, alluring blue eyes. In Veronica’s beautiful, alluring, seductive blue eyes. In Veronica’s beautiful, alluring, seductive, beckoning blue eyes. Ooops! I dug my thumbnail into my middle finger even deeper!

Veronica got out of the coffin and came close to me. She could see the very real self-inflicted pain in my eyes. She winced empathetically. She touched my cheek and I saw regret on her face. I now had the upper hand.

“I’m so sorry,” Veronica said. “I am so sorry. What you said is true. I punished you for trusting me! Can you forgive me, Baby?” She opened her arms and I immediately occupied them. She kissed me.

I hugged her tightly. I felt her magnificent thirty-six C-cup breasts pressed against me. So I hugged her more tightly. I had to summon up Skippy again! This time his crushed body was lying in the road with flies buzzing all around him. ‘Sorry, boy,’ I thought. I put my hands on Veronica’s shoulders and gazed intensely at her through Skippy’s translucent floating body.

“There is nothing to forgive,” I said. “You don’t forgive honesty. You cherish it, and the person who blesses you with it.” I had read that once in a fortune cookie.

My eyes became teary as I heard the imaginary ca-thumps whenever Skippy’s corpse was run over by passing cars. Method acting really worked! Veronica saw my tears and pressed my head to her bosom. ‘Thank you, Skippy,” I thought. ‘You did not die in vain.’ Veronica held my head against her wonderful breasts for a full minute.

“Isn’t it incredible, Hon?” I said as she stroked my hair.

“What, Baby?” she asked.

“That the evening started out so bleak, so literally and figuratively dark,” I explained. “But now we are closer than ever, happily blinded by the brilliant twin heavenly lights of trust and love.”

“Don’t try to be poetic, Baby,” Veronica said. “It makes me want to puke.”

She was right. What I had said was a bit over the top. But Veronica had received the intended message! My mission had been accomplished.

Veronica cupped my cheeks with her hands and turned my face towards hers.

“Can’t I stay between your bosoms?” I asked.

“Don’t be a piggy,” she replied. She pulled my lips to hers. We kissed. I stood up and stepped back. I took a deep breath. I stayed on the offensive.

“By the way, I didn’t forget that your birthday is next Saturday,” I said to Veronica. “I’m going to have a special gift for you!”

Veronica gave me an odd stare. Then she took my hand and gave me this sheepish look that she got whenever she wanted to talk about what she perceived as a delicate subject. She still hadn’t grasped that I was incapable of any type of sensitivity. She did notice my bloody finger.

“How did you do that?” Veronica asked.

“I must have banged it on something,” I replied.

“The only bang you care about is banging Veronica! Arfy, arfy,” said a voice in my head. It was Skippy! He was mocking me! He knew that I hated those condescending y’s when he added them to his arfs! Then I pulled myself together. When you’re doing method acting you sometimes get lost in the character.

“What were you just thinking about?” Veronica asked. “It was like I lost you for a second.”

“Nothing,” I said to Veronica. I took back my hand and wiped off the blood with a hanky that I had in my pocket.

“Please,” I said. “Tell me what’s on your mind, Hon.”

“Well,” Veronica said, “uhhh, Baby, please don’t be upset or hurt, but I have a suggestion. Perhaps this year…. that…..uh…..you do NOT give me a present?”

“Why not?” I asked. “I love giving you presents!”

“Because, Baby,” Veronica said, “your gifts are always so stupid that they just annoy me! I’d rather just skip the whole thing this year.”

“I know,” I said. “I should have gotten last year’s gift in pink! Your favorite color.”

“It wouldn’t have mattered!” Veronica shouted. “There is no friggin’ way that I’m ever going to let you strap me into that stupid mini-replica of a medieval torture rack that you got at the adult toy store!”

“It could loosen up your lower back!” I observed.

Veronica put her finger on my lips.

“Hush, my darling,” she said, “while you still have the choice.”

I hushed.

Veronica had a point. It seemed that every gift that I gave her was a flop. She had refused to even try on the Brownie uniform that I had tailor-made for her two years ago, let alone ring the bell wearing it and accept my offer of milk and cookies. The specially scented edible spiked nose rings that I wanted her to wear were still in her drawer. Even a more traditional gift had bombed. She had never used the restaurant gift certificate for the Taliban Grill and Sushi Bar that opened.

“Well this year will be different!” I promised. “This year it really will be something special. This year the gift will be all about you and only you!”

Veronica rolled her eyes. “Oh, god! That’s what I’m afraid of!” she said.

I had successfully dodged a bullet. The necro mishap could have killed everything! But now I knew that my hopes for a fantastic erotic evening were still alive. If I could nail the perfect birthday gift, then I could perfectly nail Veronica! And with that thought, and joyous images of a resurrected happy Skippy jumping the neighbor’s Poodle dancing in my head, my arousal did get the best of me.

“Hon,” I said, “I love you so much!” I reached down and gently touched Veronica’s magnificent butt. She kicked me in the shin.

“Ow!” I screamed. “Not in the mood?”

“If I were holding a knife right now you would be a soprano. Does that answer your question?”

“I’ll take that as a no,” I said.

*****

There was only one place to go for Veronica’s birthday gift. O’s r Us. It was the local adult toy shop run by one Manny Morgenstern. Manny and I went way, way back to my single days.

When I walked in, Manny was sitting behind the counter eating a double-cheeseburger. Ketchup had oozed out and dropped onto his white shirt. His mouth was greasy. Every time I saw Manny I was always struck by one thought. There was something about the guy that I really liked!

“Hey, Manny!” I said as I approached the counter. “How is the king of the adult toy trade today?”

Manny put the burger down, wiped his mouth off with a napkin, and then wiped his hands on his shirt.

“Great!” he replied. “How goes it?”

“Hangin’ in, Manny,” I replied. “Hangin’ in. Veronica’s birthday is Saturday. I’m in search of the perfect gift. And this year it has to be all about her. I don’t matter.”

“How did that mini-rack work out from last year?” Manny asked.

“No go,” I said. “She refused to use it.”

“Too up tight?” Manny laughed at his own joke. I had to admit. It was a good one!

“I warned you,” Manny said. “You should have gotten it in the pink finish.”

“You’re right,” I said. “You’re always right, Manny. So this year, you have to help me pick out the best thing you have in the store. And I won’t question your judgment. Remember. This is all about Veronica.”

Manny stood up, winked at me, and smiled a knowing smile.

“I have just the thing,” he said. “Let’s go to the special case!”

I followed Manny to find the special case. We went to the back of the store. When we got there, he took out a key that he wore around his neck and unlocked a cabinet door. Inside that door was a small safe with a digital security lock. He punched in a code and opened the safe door. Then he reached into the safe and took out a small box.”

“There it is!” he announced.

“May I?” I asked.

“Of course!” Manny responded. “Be my guest.”

I grabbed the box, took it over to a table and opened it. Inside was a long, cylindrical object tapered at one end with three shafts branching off from it on one side. There were also two wires, one black and one red, both terminating in long probes. A USB port was on the untapered end. A row of four buttons appeared on the side.

“What is that?” I asked.

“That,” Manny said, “is the ECO friendly stimulator!”

“ECO friendly?” I asked.

“Yes,” Manny explained. “E for electrical, C for convulsive, O for orgasmic. The friendly is just kind of implied. If used properly, it simultaneously stimulates all five critical female points to produce an intense, explosive release!”

“If used properly?” I asked.

“Yes,” Manny explained. “The USB port is for charging, but you have to be careful not to overcharge. There have been some deaths reported.”

“Those poor women!” I commented.

“Not the women,” Manny explained. “Their partners that were controlling the stimulator. Some releases were so intense that a rogue pelvic thrust would knock the stimulator into a partner’s nose and jam the nose up into the brain. There’s actually a martial arts move like that. Now incredibly detailed instructions are included on partner positioning so that can’t happen.”

“Manny,” I said sheepishly, “you said it simultaneously stimulates all five spots. What are the five spots?” Manny counted on his fingers to four. I only made it to two.

“Hmmm,” he said. “I don’t know what the fifth spot is. But there’s an instructional DVD that comes with it. That must explain it. Want to watch it?”

“Sure,” I said. “I’m curious myself.”

Manny removed the DVD from the box and popped it into a player. A beautiful young couple proceeded to undress and demonstrate the use of the stimulator. We watched intently.

“O.K.” Manny said, “the three shafts are where you would expect. So there’s points one thru three.”

“Yes,” I said, “but what is he doing with the red wire? Where is he putting it?”

“There!” Manny said. “That makes sense! Spot number four.”

And then we both watched with disbelief when the black wire was positioned. We were flabbergasted!

“Damn,” Manny said, “so that’s the fifth spot!”

The young man energized the stimulator. Then, showing great concentration, he pressed the buttons on the side in an incredibly complex sequence that he repeated four times. Three minutes later the young woman’s entire body convulsed in what was obviously incredible, complete, satisfying, ultimate bliss. It was truly spectacular.

“Geez!” I said after the video ended. “Wow. That was something.” Manny agreed.

“But Manny,” I pointed out, “using that thing properly could take years of practice! I mean, getting that last black wire probe in the right position, fingering the buttons just right…..”

“Yes,” Manny said, “which is why it comes with an optional inserter for an additional twenty-nine ninety-five! Proper placement guaranteed! And with the additional memory option you can program and store macros to take care of the buttons!”

“Think I could learn to use it in the dark?” I asked. “Remember, I have to have it dark.”

“Guaranteed!” Manny said, “if, for an additional forty-nine ninety-five, you get the available anatomically correct doll to practice on! Just practice blindfolded! When you hit all five spots properly and use the right button sequence you’ll know. The doll sings ‘Love is a Many Splendored Thing!’ The eyes flash too!”

I broke out singing the opening line, “Love…….is a many splendored thing…….” Manny grimaced.

“That’s as much of the song as I know,” I observed.

“Wow,” Manny said. “I’m glad. That was really bad. I don’t think you were on key once.”

“Manny,” I said, “the only key that I care about is the one to Veronica’s heart! I’ll take it all! This year Veronica is going to get a birthday gift that she will never forget!”

*****

I got on the stick and spent the next several days practicing. I wanted everything to be perfect for Veronica! Though it was difficult at first, by the end of the third day I was a pro. My button fingering was perfect and insertion was a breeze. I now had all the lyrics to ‘Love is a Many Splendored Thing’ memorized from hearing it so many times.

Birthday night finally arrived! I had gone out to buy some wine. I returned bottle in hand. But I didn’t see or hear Veronica anywhere.

“Veronica?” I called out from the kitchen. “Are you here, Hon? Where are you?”

Before I knew what was happening Veronica did a Ninja thing and grabbed me from behind! She completely controlled me with a lightly applied choke hold and arm-lock combination. I was immediately turned on!

“Just relax, Hon,” Veronica said. “I am going to make it up to you.”

“Make what up to me?” I asked.

“Our anniversary night, Baby,” she said. “The one you worked so hard to prepare that went so badly. Turn about is fair play. Tonight my birthday gift is you!”

“Did you get a bigger coffin?” I asked.

Veronica chuckled. “No coffin, Hon. But just trust me. You’ll love it! We’ll explore the Dark Side together.”

Fighting would have been fruitless. She would have beaten the tar out of me. Besides, who wanted to fight?

Veronica blindfolded me. Then she guided me into our bedroom.

“Now just relax, Baby,” Veronica said. “Sit down and relax.”

Suddenly she maneuvered me backwards and I was sitting on what felt like a bench. Veronica had me lie on it flat on my back. Then I felt her grab first my left wrist, then my right one. She had put me in restraints!

“What’s going on, Hon?” I asked. “What are you going to do with me?”

“You’re my servant, Baby. Remember?” Veronica said. “Just relax.”

I felt restraints being fastened on my feet also. I was getting so turned on!

“O.K., Hon,” Veronica said. “I’m going to take the blindfold off.”

She did. I looked around and realized that I was strapped into the mini-rack that I had bought for Veronica last year! She started turning the handle on the side. All the slack in my limbs disappeared. Soon I was stretched out and helpless. I loved it!

“Hon,” I said, “do you know what would make this perfect?”

“What?” Veronica asked.

“Kill the lights! It will be dark, evil perfection!” I responded.

“Not today, Baby,” Veronica said. “Not today. Today, you do it in the light!”

“Hon,” I said, “I can’t. You know that I can only do it in the dark! Please! Kill the lights!”

“There’s a first time for everything, Sweetie,” Veronica said.

Veronica reached down and removed a small box from under the rack. She opened it. It was a long shaft with one end tapered and with one button on the other end. Veronica held the device above my face where I could see it.

“This,” Veronica said, “is called the ECO Stimulator for Men! I got it at the adult toy shop where all the girls go. I guarantee this will help you do it in broad daylight!”

I got a little nervous.

“Hon,” I said, “have you practiced with it? Are you sure that you know how to use it?”

“No need,” Veronica explained. “The girl at the shop told me that unlike the woman’s version, using the one for men is easy! It’s impossible to screw it up.”

“Did you charge it and read the instruction manual?” I asked.

“A battery comes pre-installed,” Veronica explained. “The manual is one piece of paper that just reads, ‘Insert, then push button.’ Relax. You’re in good hands, Baby!”

I shall not bore the reader with the lurid details of what happened next. Suffice it to say that Veronica skillfully wielded the device for the next fourteen hours as I lie stretched out in the mini-rack. Not only did she leave every light in the room on, but at one point she even brought up an old halogen lamp from the basement that we hadn’t used in years!

Around four a.m. the police did knock on our door and say that they were getting complaints about a loud male intermittently bursting into song and singing horribly off key! Veronica promised them that the singing would stop. She released me from the rack and put away the device and it did. Then we had fun doing other things.

The next morning my throat was hoarse, but I was a happy horsey! And since that day, I love making love in the daylight! My favorite time is high noon. In the park! That’s why I have to register with the police wherever I live now.