He gave me quite a whack after I grabbed his bulging sack! (Santa left his toy bag on the floor.) IF THESE OPENING LINES EVOKE A SMILE (or better a guffaw) PLEASE CONSIDER READING THE REST OF THIS POEM. It might tickle your fancy (wherever that is)! BUT IF THEY OFFEND YOU PLEASE SKIP THIS PIECE. (You’ll think that what follows is worse!) …………..…………..….…………

Depraved Christmas Misunderstandings (in its entirety)
by Rantingsenior

He gave me quite a whack after I grabbed his bulging sack!
(Santa left his toy bag on the floor.)

Mom yelled I was obtuse when I gave her a Christmas goose!
(I was sent to buy a turkey at the store.)

Our kids gave me cat-calls after I hung out my blue balls.
(The ornaments looked ugly on our tree.)

My friend called me a dick because I tried to lick his stick!
(The candy cane belonged to him, not me.)

My wife filed for divorce after I denied intercourse.
(Her chatting while we caroled was just rude!)

My boss served Christmas scotch and then he tried to wipe my crotch!
(He spilled the drink on me. It wasn’t lewd.)

A young girl gave me sass because I fondled her cute ass.
(She dropped her stuffed toy donkey near my door.)

I was called “Old Nick” because I fingered a lad’s wick!
(His Yuletide candle got knocked on the floor.)

Perhaps this is the reason why I hate the Christmas season.
Whatever I say is misunderstood.

This year I will relax. Maybe start my income tax.
Or just kick back and whittle on my wood.
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Ho! Ho! Ho!

Merry Christmas to all my fellow whittlers and whittlettes.