Collected 'poems' about one of life's basic needs... Inkling I sort of need to pee Urgency The urge is growing increasingly... urgent Realization No restroom is within walking distance! Desperation I can barely hold it now Relief A warm contentment washes over me Regret I wish I'd found a bathroom
“I’ll rip off one of those dumb horns and shove it up your nose you stupid, red jerk!” Angie shouted. The angel told me that I could call her Angie.“Go ahead! Try it, you disgusting, pathetic pure white virginal pompous prude!” Beezie retorted. “You’ll be sorry.” Beelzebub said I could call him Beezie“Please folks, can’t we all just get along?” I asked. That, of course, was me. Henry Jenkins, forty-two, a tad overweight,...
It’s hard to get an alert, physically fit, conscious wife into a coffin without her knowing it. Blindfolding her helps, but if it’s dark because all the lights are off it’s still a difficult task. I had just put Veronica into the coffin after bumping her head against it for a third time.“That’s it! Three strikes and you’re out!” Veronica screamed. She sat up in the coffin and ripped off the blindfold. “Go turn on the ligh...
Oh to be your fellow hot tubberand share the feel of soft warm blubberas bodies sway ‘neath gleaming stars at night.How magnificent and freshto softly caress excess fleshwhile we hold dampened lipids close and tight.Tonight I'll have a vivid dreamabout love in your hot tub steamwith boundless passions as we groan and boil!But alas when comes tomorrow's mornthis hot, wet, steamy rhyming pornwill just have left me with more...
“Daddy, he is soooooooo beautiful!” my eight-year-old daughter Susie cooed. He was. The magnificent white unicorn was on his hind legs. His long mane was flowing, embedded diamonds in his horn twinkled in the moonlight, and his whinnying was reverberating throughout our family room. Susie was in my lap. Her gorgeous blue eyes were open wide and she was smiling from ear to ear.“I think there’s more coming, Hon,” I said to...
He gave me quite a whack after I grabbed his bulging sack! (Santa left his toy bag on the floor.) IF THESE OPENING LINES EVOKE A SMILE (or better a guffaw) PLEASE CONSIDER READING THE REST OF THIS POEM. It might tickle your fancy (wherever that is)! BUT IF THEY OFFEND YOU PLEASE SKIP THIS PIECE. (You’ll think that what follows is worse!) …………..…………..….…………Depraved Christmas Misunderstandings (in its entirety) by Rantingse...
My knees began to wobbleas I heard your final gobbleand the ax came down and severed off your head.I knew you had a brotherand a father and a motherbut I chose to see you just as food instead.It must be so unnervingknowing you will be a servingand that being eaten is your final fate!It must be quite distressingknowing that with some brown dressingyou will be a meal on someone’s plate.But come the morning afterwhen there w...
Some words that we believe exist, really don't. Our family dinner that Sunday held a certain amount of importance. It would be the first time in ages that we'd all be together at a time besides a major holiday — and the first time my two older sisters would meet my boyfriend, who by then was already an unofficial fiancé. Their opinion wasn't a deal breaker by any means, but I hoped they would like him as much as my parent...
I have been married for 42 years. I discovered after getting married that you never really know your in-laws until then. My wife and I went to school together, grammar school and high school. I got pulled from the normal junior high school and put in an accelerated program for gifted students. Little did they know what gifted was. We met when I was sent to high school in a gifted program there too. Through high school I d...
Some words that don't exist, really ought to. "The word is 'peppier,' pronounced 'pep-ee-ay'," announced the spelling bee moderator."Definition, please," replied the entrant, launching by rote into the set of questions she had been taught to ask."One who grinds spice onto a diner's food at a restaurant.""What is the origin?""'Peppier' is faux French.""Faux French?""Yes, that is, it is not truly a French word, but rather...
Silently we touched in bed.I offered you my shoulder and you laid down your head.I celebrated the smell of your skin and your hair.I thanked god Himself that you were there!And then for the first time it became quite clear.I realized what a treasure you were, my dear.I knew because of what you did and did not do.And I knew that I was totally in love with you.What soon unfolded was a magical eventthat was profound yet inno...
Have you ever had to be in a hospital? I'm not talking about visiting a sick friend or an injured relative. I mean have you, personally, ever needed the services of a hospital? If your answer is no, consider yourself fortunate. If your answer is yes, consider yourself fortunate. Wait a minute, isn't that contradictory? Nope, it isn't. If your answer was no, then you've been fortunate to be healthy. If your answer was yes,...
I hit the sack with some old witchI figured had to be quite rich.But she flew out when I ran out of candy.Then I was tricked by this young bratwho dumped me for a big black cat.She told me that he treated her just dandy!Next I made a young girl sighby eating her whole pumpkin pie.She stole my cash and played me for a fool.A ghostly senior my next pick,then a skeleton babe who was anorexicand looked like some emaciated gho...
This story contains mature themes * * * Sam was startled — and annoyed — by the blaring of a car horn while he sat parked along with a thousand other drivers on Interstate 5. What exactly did the genius expect to accomplish by honking here when the logjam was well out of sight, probably several miles ahead? He shook his head. Not a local, that’s for sure, he reflected knowingly. Washingtonians, especially those who live...
There were times when stories were told Wide eyed..open mouths We listened earnestly Believed totally. Ghosts were everywhere Invisible Follows us in the dark Waits for the opportunity To appear and attack! Look at your shadow.. See if there's more than one If the head is still there! An empty pillow on the bed.. Invites spirits to sleep beside you Always pause to look down the toilet.. see if a hand is coming up! Never...
