“A married man?” my sister asked. “Yes, a married man.” “Why a married man?” my nosey sister asked. “The married ones are the best.” I told her. “I suppose so, they usually have some don’t they?” she persisted. “Yes, usually they do.” I replied. Sister sighed, “It’s going to be hard keeping this a secret from that husband of yours. He’ll be upset you didn’t want him.” “He’ll find out eventually. Someone will open their bi...
I think I’ll try some catnip. I ain’t even joking, people. I’ve tried catnip before. Powdered stuff. I was at my friends’ house and we were looking at his herb collection. And I do genuinely mean herb collection, as in the stuff you cook with and cast spells with, too. He’s Pagan, as am I, you see and he has quite the herb collection. Anyway, I came across a tub of catnip powder and recalled him telling me that he’d accid...
Forsooth, the man, he lost his tooth!How he lost it, we have no proof.Was it an enemy going *boof!*?Or maybe, he lost it in Magaluf. He needs a denture, but where to go?The dentist? No, he is awfully slow!So, perhaps, he should go to bedand rest his head.Oh, look! He's dead.He died of an abscess,his bloodstream, bacteriawas allowed to access,or was it the deadly diphtheria?Whatever it was, forsooth,the man, he lost, he lo...
He saw her in the park on a sunny day, while he was just walking though to the other side where he lived in a block of flats. He came out from behind a few trees just after 6pm that late sunny afternoon, where he stopped in his footsteps to see a beauty that was led to him from heaven. OR so he believed. He wished he could picture this moment and let time stand still. There she was, lying on a bench. Wearing a red dress,...
I jumped off the cart, unhitched my horse and stormed right into the forest. I wanted to get lost in the thicket and run free from all the burdens of my life. I wanted to run and keep running as far, as my feet could possibly take me, but I could not run the reason was in the wagon directly behind me. "Brook, wait!" Maple called desperately. Finnick caught my expression and stopped her. He caught sight of my expression, a...
Slowly, Jim and the wizard ascended through the roof of the house and began to undergo metamorphosis into their true reptilian form. Meanwhile, the young man without a face had the Senior Horse tied to a candy pole, ready for the removal of its lymphatic system and modification of the genetic structure to become the Second great liver bomb of the Pancreas Province. The wizard and Jim had no idea how to make Steak Diane......
As Jim entered the room, he noticed the Senior horse had dissappeared. The room he had just walked into was full of albino walruses excreting donkey livers.As Jim flopped around the room, the Tall Wizard of the library appeared behind him, Screeching the words of the polish national anthem, "Jeszcze Polska nie zginela,Kiedy my zyjemy!Co nam obca przemoc wziela,Szabla odbierzemy!""Hello there wizard!" said Jim, "do you kno...
Jim and the young man backed into the corner of the cave. "Hello my young liversquabs, what may I do for you and your friend," exclaimed the Senior Horse as he vomited midget Llamas from his third mouth on his earlobe."Great and powerful Senior Horse, we seek the ale-producing doorknobs that legend say can be found in the Pancreas Province!" replied Jim."Yes," continued the horse, "the knobs do exist, in the holiday home...
"Good sir!" exclaimed the young man, "I know of such doorknobs! They can be found in the Pancreas Province in the den of Fruit cakes!"The tall wizard turned to the man and began to urinate. All of a sudden, the floor began to shake as a piddle-portal to the multiverse opened up.Jim and the young man were thrown through the portal with the force of a thousand elephant tusks and were brought before the mystical rabid gerbil...
One day, Jim the weekend cleaner was hired by a rich young man to clean his weekend. Jim arrived at the young man's house on friday at 3:00pm and was ushered into the dining room."It is time to begin the sacred ritual of the banana of Pisang Raja!" exclaimed Jim.Jim got into his Llama-skin enchanting coat and began to throw pixie dust at the three large goats that sat in the corner on a bed of phlegm and orange skins. The...
Punch him down to the ground,Kick an old man when he’s down.Yeah, that’s your style, isn’t it?Cowardly bastard.Fight fair and square? You can’t!But you’re getting yours, aren’t you?Sitting black and blue in that hospital bed, it serves you right.See that man you kicked near to death?Yeah, he had friends. Vengeful friends.They did the same to you as you did to him,How does it feel? Are you satisfied?Are you impressed with...
