Once upon a time in a land not so far away there was a girl named Žaneta, who was known to her friends as Goldilocks, on account of her beautiful long hair that was as yellow as a buttercup.  One sunny day, Goldilocks awoke to a snorty squeaky noise coming from under her window. She was used to funny occurrences, and she wondered if the day would lead to an adventure. Goldilocks was no stranger to adventures, like the tim...

Hello, hoomans of the interwebz, my name is Rudolph Valentino, but I just get called Tino for short. Other names of mine are little shit or Turd-meister because instead of doing my business outside in the dirt, I choose to go indoors. I especially like to go into the bedrooms of my hoomans, burrow under their sleeping areas and go there. I do not tell them I have done this, instead, I wait for a while and let them find it...

"Boom!," I hear a little voice coming from the bathroom. "BOOM!" I hear again, this time louder, and then there is the unmistakable sound of laughter. Children just love playing in the bathroom, running all the taps in the basin or filling the basin with paper towels to overflow them and create 'baths,' or making a mountain of bubbles with the foamy soap. I prepare myself for the worst as I go to the bathroom, expecting a...

My last story that I published on this site was deep and dark and very real life, so I thought I would lighten the mood a little this week and have a bit of fun with this story. I mentioned in one of my other stories, that American influences are gaining popularity here in New Zealand, and that I had a few questions so here we go. Some questions and maybe a rant or two, about the growing American cultural influence in NZ....

I met a crocodile with a smile as wide as a mile. Said I to the crocodile"what are you doing with that mile-smile?"Said he to me "I've just had a tasty tourist!"He looked at me with eyes of wist,"are you a yummy snack?"I looked him back"no, Sir Croc, I'm full of grist!"His eyes of wist, 'came full of mist"I need my dessert!"I smiled at him"how about that woman there? She's lovely and pert!"His smile of a mile disappeared....

An irksome quirk of thesystem at work,is the way it misinterpretsdates. If you've lived in your house since birth, the system saying:"Date cannot be earlier than date of birth"really doesn't bring any mirth. A simple symbol would be all it tookto rectify that silly mistook. "Equal to or greater than",not simply "greater than",and I'd whizz through that formin the manner of wham-bam. Programs I understand a little of,but f...

Middle-age woes didn’t creep up on me, Slowly chipping away like erosion. No, they barged in and gate-crashed my life overnight With the subtlety of an explosion! With wrecking-ball speed, they wreaked mischievous havoc, Smashing me into submission. My eyesight grew weak, my hair turned snow white And my back ached in every position. I went a bit deaf, so I’m told by my kids And I struggled with poor memory. Couldn’t work...

My father once played football. He played for a local side. He wasn’t very good at it, But it kept him occupied. He played right up there, at the front, Striker, I think he said. He soon scored his first great goal, Right in off his head! Sadly it was an own goal, The Captain he was mad He sent him back to play midfield Which wasn’t all that bad. But my dad couldn’t see too well And his hearing wasn’t good. When they kick...

Behind the door is another door and behind that door is a demon, but you already knew that. Behind the demon, there’s nothing. The demon is you, didn’t you know? You should do. Something tells me you’re not as self-aware as you think you are. Me? Oh, I don’t need to be self-aware, especially when I’m aware of you. That’s my curse, you see. Also my gift, if you want to look at it that way. People have said that some more s...

I dislike the journey home from work. I don’t mean I don’t like going home; it’s nice to go to a place where you feel safe and secure. I mean the actual journey itself. First, there’s the walk out of work. You’d think that would be quick, but no! Some people walk really slowly, and if I’m stuck behind them, my footsteps tend to be sarcastic. I never knew it was possible to express feelings in a gesture, like sarcasm with...

June. Eighty degrees in the shade.I’m on a coach with fifty over-excited, over-heated, under sevens. We’re off to a farm. All day. Whose bright idea was that?As a responsible adult, I grin and bear it. Today I will be teacher, helper, protector and toilet monitor. Mostly toilet monitor.Upon arriving, we visit the toilets then go for a walk. We see fields, corn and cattle. Somehow, the children see digging, gold and Minecr...

“That’s an ‘N’.” “Is it really?” Squinting at the fuzzy blob, I’m forced to face facts. I can't see. “Most people need reading glasses, eventually,” the optician smiles. I’m sure they do, but not me. My vision’s always been perfect.It’s age, isn’t it? I’m getting older. “Try these. Oh yes, they suit you.” Actually, they do. The glasses don’t look bad at all, they make me look intelligent.Wait a minute...I peer at the mirr...

This is a public announcement:Spiders are everywhere. You will have no doubt seen them, crawling about. They may appear normal, but they’re far from it. Many of them have evolved to understand our language, and due to our sensitivity about them, are gearing up to wage war upon us. Spiders normally aren’t harmful, until you hurt their feelings. It is the emotional hurt that makes them into monsters. They get angry and atta...

I drive too fast sometimesit's truemuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoofastI have the papers to prove itlittle slips of black and pink and whitefilled with numbersfiguresproofThey showi had somewhere else to be urgentlySomewhere elseanywhere but here(or there)So why is it thenthati have the time to write these words?Something doesn't add upNot the slips thoughthose add up well enough... 

The phone call mentioned here really took place Sitting here one summer night and staring at the blinds after having hung up the phone. Thinking of the call from an old friend who had a question as the conversation turned to music and concerts we saw, and hearing him confess after a moment of silence that the first and last one that he saw was back in 1977.When we both went in his old Ford LTD, down I-10 to go and see the...