There’s a man with an ostrich,he’s got it on a lead;he’s taking it for a walk!I shouldn’t gawk. Now there’s a hawkand he’s going “squawk, squawk!”He coming at me.Woop, there goes my knee! The man with an ostrich,he’s got a cannon now.Ka-pow! Ka-pow!Ooft, fuck, shit, OW! For fuck’s sake,now there’s an owl!“Have you seen the news?”Then he goes for a snooze. We’re in a blender.Life over.Return to sender.I’m a clover!

If I had one wishI'd be a fishI'd swim the seaand make a splishIf I had one otherI'd make a brotherWe'd splish aroundWith one anotherIf a third would comeI'd make a mumTo make us smileWhen we were glumIf a fourth were hadI'd make a dadTo keep us safeFrom all that's badThen out we'd set, and swim all fourSkimming above the ocean floorFrom coast to kelp to shell to shoreAnd skip and play forevermore  

One bright and beautiful summer's day, The Jingles family --Mom, Dad and their two kids-- decided to go on a picnic and play at the park. They packed a big basket filled with submarine sandwiches, fresh fruit and their favourite delicious cookies as a special treat. They packed everything up in their car. Dad said, “Ho! Ho!” Mom said, “Hee! Hee!” The kids said, “Ha! Ha!” Unfortunately, they were so excited to get going th...

A wang-wang-pede rose from 'neath the seaAnd sclobbered towards the beachOn seven and twenty tenticlawsWith a retching craw-craw screechHe flared his squinty nostrilsThen snapped his clack-clack beakHis tenticlaws grabbed man and childAnd he slapped his glob-glob cheeksSoldiers came with their woof-woof gunsFired shots to schlump him deadBut they should have shot his flub-flub gutNot his hardy thick-boned headBescreeching...

Masterful Tony rode a masterful ponyThrough the streets of the small village fayreIt neighed and it brayedAnd clip-cloppity swayedWithout worry, nor hurry, nor care.Then old Mrs Bunyons, grabbed her sack of onionsAnd threw it on Tony's young backThe pony cried and it triedto maintain its fair strideBut collapsed down to earth with a smack.Said Masterful Tony, “You stupid old crony”Your sack is too weighty and fullSo with...

Snackin' like it's going outta fashion, I've got a smile, it's flashing.  I'm happy as fuck, hear me play with my rubber duck!    I got hit by a truck!    Still snackin', just through a tube,  at this rate, I'll lose the moobs.  When I make a recovery, I'm gonna grab some boobs!   

Little scamp looks around Then she scurries around looking for her special person  Climbing up and swinging from the drapes  Jumping up and down when she sees her special person  Cheering when its cuddle time    Giggling  as she gallops around  Up and down the stairs Like a pretty pony Climbing all over the furniture  Jumping on the bed like a little monkey   But she can be well behaved  Quietly coloring in her coloring b...

I wasn't raging my attire was making me cranky. The Glad lady shows poor manners and tries to undo my dress or so I thought.What is she doing? Through the haze that lingers in the air, I see my beloved fall to the floor. This can't be the end!"Sergeant do something! Zip up, do your job, call for help and arrest her."I continue to sob and not rage. But miracles do happen. I see my G-man rise from the floor. Sticky and smel...

Acting on impulse; farting to temporarily stun the Sargent, I pluck a cocktail umbrella from the raging woman’s dress. Impromptu dart blowing weapon fashioned with the pink straw. My jaw set as I look for my target.  I only came to pay homage to the fashionista of my dreams and Rumple is the only one who knows the truth. The bloody snake! He hit on me, showing off Coma and Tose- pulling my secrets out as easy as serving j...

Glad lady, inspector, a blond southern belle, no one can stop me from exacting my revenge.Over intense fiery thoughts I hear a yell."Gill it's him"It's Recycling Man our arch nemesis.G-man and I built a completely green fashion house. Dumpster diving, scavenging for materials had led us to design our "green" creations. Recycling man and Compost Man hated us. They sued claiming encroachment on their business. They won, our...

Looking closer, I realize who shambling man is.My ex, G, Garbageman. I should have known. He never could resist anything in polyethylene.I stand up, adjust my cocktail umbrella "dress", ready to confront that no good ex-garbageman. I'm about to grab his arm when I see the Glad lady has returned dressed in an orange bag. That was always our color.Ready to tell him what I think, I'm inturrupted. An inspector starts listing...

Head throbbing I open my eyes."Why am I still in the bar?"I remember ordering a few non-virgin Hannahs. The table in front of me is covered in cocktail umbrellas. I look down aware that I am wearing an "outfit" made entirely of cocktail umbrellas. It gets worse. I notice the "exercise" pole has several umbrellas stuck to it."Oh god, what happened?"I risk a furtive look around the bar. Among the usual patrons of Rumps' the...

This one's for you Lady Elizabeth!My love for you is like the most remarkable cabbage,Your face reminds me of repugnant butterflies,Together, we are like sandwiches and mayonnaise.Oh darling Elizabeth,My remarkable cabbage,My repugnant onion,The perfect companion to my sandwiches soul.Sunsets are red,Smurfs are blue,I like forests at dusk,But not as much as I love skipping with you!Oh darling Elizabeth,Your brains are lik...

It all seems silly nowWhere I once stood firmIt's not a place at allIt took this long to learnPerhaps with jaded perceptionI created an alternate stateA place that withstood timeAnd so I was never lateDoesn't that sound great?But something happenedI allowed myself to loveI nurtured and protectedDespite words said aboveI made so called friendsAnd I let my love showI allowed myself to feelUntil reality had to let me goI fel...

How could you?Send me a poem so crappyClaiming it to be sappy?I hope you are happy.I read it.You asked me to followYou spit, I swallow,But your poem has no flowNor a dipNot a single solitary beatAlthough some words are sweet,Not the part that goes "skeet skeet"Try again?If you have something to showMaybe with some ebb and flowBut that last piece of crap...Just NO***banter and fun. Also a bit to myself. Lol. Sometimes I wr...