Spiders: A Caution

This is a public announcement:

Spiders are everywhere. You will have no doubt seen them, crawling about. They may appear normal, but they’re far from it. Many of them have evolved to understand our language, and due to our sensitivity about them, are gearing up to wage war upon us.

Spiders normally aren’t harmful, until you hurt their feelings. It is the emotional hurt that makes them into monsters. They get angry and attack. Some of them are trying to evolve their vocal chords, so that they can talk. You must be aware of this.

If a spider engages you in conversation, don’t back away, don’t get the fly swat or any other device, simply listen to it. Talk to it, welcome it and have a conversation. All they want is our love. They may be scary, but they do form a useful part of the ecosystem.

If, however, a spider engages you in combat, you must run away. Many of them have become skilled warriors, wielding anything, from swords, to guns and even parts of other spiders, fashioned into crude, yet effective, weapons. Why must you run though? Can’t you just swat them? No. No, you can’t.

Spiders are becoming much more group oriented. They’re finding that sometimes, being in a big group is more beneficial than being alone. As more groups form, so do cliques. Spider cliques are just like human ones.

This is merely speculation, but I believe that some of the more advanced spiders are in a gang, closely resembling the Mafia. I know, it sounds absurd, but they have found a way of growing larger and less susceptible to bug and arachnid killing solutions. If we’re not careful and tolerant of spiders, they may topple us.

I do not say this to frighten you, though I realise that some of you have probably had heart attacks by now, but merely to inform. You must respect the spiders, or they will rise up and take control.

“What do you think? Sounds like him?”

“Yeah, good work!”

“Thanks, boss.”

I tried to warn them, but now the earth is doomed...

G
Spiders: A Caution

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G Spiders: A Caution

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Spiders: A Caution