Have I the right to declare something written wrongly?  And if I do, then have I the right to declare that the wrongly written was righted?  And even if yes to both of the above, does that bestow upon me the right to question my right to write about the declaring of something as written wrongly? Or to go beyond that and write about the questioning of my right to write about the righting of the wrongly written?  The above...

It’s time to stop being cute and coy and simply wish you Christmas joy because the day is rapidly approaching. May you smile at all the lights that brighten up the winter nights and I’ll stop being caustic and reproaching. Reindeer should not swear at elves. They should just be their furry selves. (I confess I wrote the swearing scene.) Policemen should not shoot till dead an innocent Mr. Potato Head. (My work again, so v...

The Christmas Tree Low humidity. Twinkling lights on a dry tree. Teddy bears aflame. Mommy’s Legacy Timmy wanted toys. Mommy bought him three sweaters. Tim hates women now. Santa Slips Up Santa is aroof. Black ice on cold dark shingles. Splat goes Santa Claus! The Electronics Sale Big screens marked way down! Doors fly open, folks stampede. Some save. Others die. The Christmas Goose Strong drinks and laughter. Santa’s han...

Overview Credible Christmas historians have long known that the North Pole was not always a child-friendly place. This was evident in the early 1950’s, when resentment over impossible Christmas Eve toy delivery schedules was intense. On February 11, 1952, the rancorous “This ain’t milk and cookies…” negotiating session took place at the North Pole. The following reconstruction of part of that session comes from personal d...

Beneath the ground you are alone completely by yourself. In an urn you simply chill on your wife’s closet shelf. Before they put you in the soil you pray for absolution. After you’re a London Broil you could be air pollution. The remnant of your buried form is ghostly and ethereal. The remnants of your cremated one can be spread on breakfast cereal. Underneath in sealed concrete you simply fade and rot. Cooked above you s...

“Pwesent!,” my daughter shouted. “Pwesent!” “I’m sorry,” the elfin voiced on the telephone said. “I didn’t understand that. If you want a present for yourself from Santa, say ‘Present.’ If you want Santa to get something for Mommy or Daddy, say ‘Parent.’ For anything else, please say ‘Other.’ “Pawent!,” my little girl shouted. “Pawent!” “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that…….” My daughter Penny was now crying. I hung up t...

“Should I start just before I shot Mr. Potato Head in the face?” I asked. “No,” Callahan replied. “Pick it up earlier than that.” “When I discovered that Santa Claus was Amish?” I asked. “Before that,” Callahan replied. And then he looked at me and made his pitch. “You know,” he said, “we’ve already wasted three days on this. Internal Affairs has better things to do than spend time on your pranks. Do us all a favor. Admit...

I was walking and saw a homeless man sitting on the street.His shirt and pants were in pretty bad shape, like the unlaced shoes on his feet.He was filthy and he was smelly and he looked like a potential threat.My impulse was to get as far away as I could get.I didn’t know what his story was. I’d never think to ask.I didn’t want to hear some rant or possibly be taken to task.But as I stared his eyes met mine, and I felt th...

Three Sundays hence I’m on MEDICARE, this Sunday I’m depressed. Once that milestone comes to pass all hope is put to rest. For now at this late stage in life it almost certainly seems that I shall never realize my glorious cherished dreams. I’ll never be a baseball player, or find a cure for cancer. I’ll never be a movie star or a graceful ballet dancer. I won’t become an astronaut who walks in outer space, or drive a tri...

My love for you is so profoundI often lay upon the groundwrithing there in overwhelming passion.I want to kiss your eyes and hips,caress your nose and slurp your lipssuccumbing to my boundless sexual attraction.I yearn to lick some salty sweatand know that you have no regretas we both squeeze our torsos like constrictors.I hope to see you beam and smileas you amaze and I beguileclad only in my polka-dotted knickers.I long...

I was crass and crude to say that having tons of money could lift one’s soul to wondrous heights and make one’s spirits sunny.I thought a bit about the sadness of that flippant poem, about a life without a wife, a life lived all alone. For waking up and seeing sun light up a lover’s face, and sleeping all night in the grasp of a tender, warm embrace, and feeling soft lips touch your own with a fine good-morning kiss, and...

The greatest gift for anyone is a loving husband or wife. Nothing is more precious during a person’s life. It’s true that riches are nice to have for material things can be sweet. But the heavenly touch of a lover and mate makes an empty soul complete. Yet if the riches are great enough, like over ten million or such, then interest alone can forever pay for a pro to provide that touch. And if some of the wealth is investe...

Above the mundane mortal plane in which most men survive, there soars an anointed regal clan that’s guaranteed to thrive. A group that eats the finest foods whenever it fêtes and dines. A crowd that wears the finest clothes and drinks the finest wines. A clan that goes in private jets on fun-filled world hops. A bunch that pockets billions, all by playing Credit Default Swaps. They are the investment bankers that some loa...

My fingertips caress your hair and I no longer have a care about what happens in this mortal plane. You lay there close to me in bed and then I gently touch your head and you surrender love to me again. I feel your tongue from your soft kiss and on your face I see your bliss from being gently fondled and caressed. I look at your adoring eyes. You emit soft loving sighs. I always knew that Poodles were the best.

Many a debonair doctor takes his girlfriends out to eat. Doctor Lechter invites them in and tries to eat their feet. Raising a child is difficult and can take many tracks. Lizzy Borden’s derailed parents took their forty whacks. A playful, furry loving dog can pick one’s spirits up. But “Son of Sam” killed victims on the orders of a pup. Most would tell a friend in pain to take an aspirin pill. Jeffery Dahmer treated frie...