How to make a cup of tea

There are two possible methods for doing this: first there is the kettle and tea bag method - my preferred method because I’m lazy, or the teapot and tea leaves method - I tend to only do this if I’ve got company or I just feel like loose leaf tea. The steps are quite similar though, so here we go. Ah, but I forgot to say: take your time, tea should never be rushed, it’s a labour of love. Here we go. Kettle and tea bag method:

Step one: Fill the kettle. This sounds like an obvious first step, but some people do it with whatever water is in the kettle in the first place. That’s wrong: the water must be fresh. So, pour out all of the water, it may seem a waste, but it’s worth it for the perfect cuppa. Give the kettle a clean, swirl some water around it, just to be sure. Now, fill the kettle. There’s a process for that, too. However many you’re making tea for, fill it just slightly more than you need to, that way if spillage occurs - the kettle can get quite heavy after four cups of water is added, for example - there is still enough to make the correct amount of tea. Switch the kettle on.

Step two: Whilst the kettle is on, clean the cups or mugs thoroughly - tea must be served in a clean cup or mug. Contamination will not be tolerated. Make sure you get every speck of dirt off.

Step three: Cup preparation. By this time the kettle will probably be halfway to boiling. Don’t worry, you have plenty of time. Dry the cups thoroughly and set them down in your preferred order. Yes, I have an order for the cups, but I’m mad, or so I’m told. Take a tea bag out of the airtight box and shake it (the tea bag, not the box). Seal the box again to keep the other tea bags fresh. Shaking the tea bag makes the tea leaves fall to the bottom and also shakes any excess tea leaves or powder that has seeped from the other bags. Put it in the cup. Now take the milk and pour enough so that the tea inside the tea bag is covered. Not too much. The kettle is boiled now.

Step four: This sounds like an obvious step, but pour the water into the cup. Friends, even this has a process. First off, make sure the kettle is secure in your hand, use two to support it, if need be. Now, I cannot stress this enough: slowly pour the water out onto the tea bag. It may inflate, it may not, that’s OK. But the keyword here is slow. You mustn’t rush this step. Notice the tea turning a different colour as you pour the water in, watch as it swirls like clouds, getting stronger.

Step five: Now that the water is poured you’re ready to take the tea bag out. Of course, it’s not as simple as just whipping the tea bag out, you must take your time and put some love and effort into it. If you can easily get to the bag, grab it by your fingertips and dunk it. Whilst dunking, drag it slowly across the surface of the water - this helps make it stronger, I have no idea why, but it does. If you can’t see the tea bag or are a wuss and keep burning yourself, it’s perfectly acceptable to use a spoon. However, the process with a spoon is slightly different. Yes, you dunk with the spoon, but you also stir. This is important, stirring helps to release the flavour of the bag, much like dragging it across the surface does. Now whilst you are dunking, notice that the colour is changing, see it getting stronger and more brown. Stop when it gets to the colour of the cup in the picture at the start of this tale. It’s the sweet spot for a good cuppa. Now, squeeze the tea bag out and fling it in the bin. You mustn’t put it in the bin - tea bags must be thrown, it’s the law. Behold the beauty of a lovely cup of tea. Be proud, grab yourself a biscuit and relax. I trust you know how to drink one, now?