I love boobs. They’re fun to play with, feel, suck and look at. Boobs are great fun. That’s not where my love of them stops, though. My point of view about breasts is controversial, though it really shouldn’t be.

They serve a biological function. Let’s forget all about the fact that they’re sexy and fun to look at and play with. The fact is, their primary purpose is for feeding babies. It’s always baffled me why men can cut about with their tops off, sometimes in a bid to cool off, but often in a useless display of virility. Men’s chests serve no purpose (I’m talking externally, we all know that the ribcage is important to both genders). Shouldn’t we be more offended by a man being topless than a woman being topless? Ah, but this is a patriarchally biased world, so of course, everything is going to be in favour of men.

I don’t understand how people can be so offended by a breastfeeding mother. They’d be more offended if she just let the baby cry for food. Imagine this scenario: You’re out and about, suddenly you get hungry, so you decide to go and get some food. You stop at a seat and eat. Someone then comes along and tells you to stop doing that because it’s disgusting. What’s disgusting about eating? Just because a baby has to feed from the breast, doesn’t make it perverted. Those who think it does, are the real perverts.

If I saw a woman being bullied for breastfeeding, you’d better believe that I’m going to step in and come to her aid. Maybe she wouldn’t need it, probably wouldn’t want it, but I’d feel better knowing that I hopefully kept her and her baby out of danger.

Seriously, what is it about this world right now? Why are we all so offended by everything? “You wear nail polish; that’s for girls. Oh, but I bet you’re gender-fluid. I’M OFFENDED!” well, I don’t give a fuck. No, I’m not gender-fluid. I just don’t give a fuck. I wanna paint my nails and come to the aid of breastfeeding women and be the best human that I can be, and you’re offended by a little bit of colour on my nails? Grow the fuck up.

Yeah, it’s your right to be offended, it’s also my right to ignore you. I can’t stand the way people feel that they have to highlight the fact that they don’t like something. I was always told “if you don’t like something, don’t bother about it” and “if you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Mantras that we could all live with.

So, lemme just recap: Boobs are fun; they’re biologically important; men’s chests are boring; people suck and often not in a good way.

Great, now I want a lollipop. I’m so fucking offended.