Just that morning, the assassin bug had thoughts about retiring. Not that he wasn’t doing great; he was at the top of his game. But he had this nagging feeling that he was beginning, just beginning, to lose his edge. And an assassin bug with no edge is in the wrong business. He hadn’t always worked the trade. Not too long ago he was flipping maggots in some greasy log, barely getting by. Then one night, after a long shift...

The Minotaur had a score to settle. He was trapped in the center of the Labyrinth, spellbound so he could not leave. And who was the monster that cast the spell, imprisoning him thus? None other than his namesake, the evil King Minos. And Minos didn’t even have the decency to have plumbing installed. Day in and day out the Minotaur paced the Labyrinth’s center, his powerful feet wearing a groove into the marble floor. Alw...

The unsung hero of every ant colony is the butler. A butler in an ant colony? What does she do, you may ask, serve drinks? No, or at least that’s not what I do. Not that it stops wisecracking ants from yelling, “Hey, butler, fetch us a drink!” They think they’re so funny. If they even bothered to watch Masterpiece Theatre, they’d know a butler does a lot more than tend bar. Find a cocktail waitress if you need a drink. Th...

Harold the rabbit had exceptionally small ears. They were so small, in fact, you could barely see them. All the other rabbits made fun of Harold. It didn’t matter to them that Harold could hop and nibble like the best of them. Or that he was smart. They simply could not get past his ears, small as they were. The rabbits had nicknames for Harold, such as “Stubby,” or when they were feeling particularly clever, “Sir Harold...

“Don’t do it,” said the moth to the mosquito. “Don’t fly into those lights.” The old moth was sitting on his perch next to the blue lights, trying to talk some sense into the mosquito. “Those lights will suck the life right out of you,” he warned the mosquito. But the mosquito flew into the lights anyhow. For once the blue lights got into their eyes there was no talking to them. And it only got worse when there was a full...

“What’s for lunch, Mamma?” asked Antonio. “Your favorite, dear – spaghetti!” she answered. “Bravo!” cried Antonio, clapping his hands. Antonio loved pasta, and most especially spaghetti. He sat at the table on the terrace, and his mother brought him a heaping plate of spaghetti. Antonio joyfully slurped the first piece of spaghetti, waiting for it to slap sauce against his cheek before disappearing through his lips. But t...

Selwyn decided it was time to sell his house. He had lived in it for many years and had grown tired of it. Besides, it was looking rather worn. There was hardly a spot on the façade of the little house where the paint was not peeling. So Selwyn went to his garage to make a “For Sale” sign. He crafted a perfectly square sign with a sturdy post. He painted the sign a warm yellow, and in strong, blue letters he wrote, “For S...

Lucy found the magic wand at a garage sale. It was obviously used and the asking price was two dollars. “How do I know if it really works?” she asked the man behind the table. “You drive a hard bargain there, missy,” he replied. “I’ll give it to you for a dollar, but not a penny less.” For a dollar she figured she couldn’t go wrong, so she bought it. When Lucy got home she thought she’d use the wand to turn her mother’s m...

The most recent convention of the Federation of Flightless Birds took place in Cleveland. There had been a lot of bickering about where the convention should take place. The emus and kiwis wanted New Zealand. The penguins pushed for Antarctica. The ostriches wanted Africa. And a particularly outspoken, and little, Inaccessible Island Rail insisted on the Inaccessible Island of the Tristan Archipelago. So how did the conve...

It happened on the very day Princess Poubelle was to meet her intended, the handsome Prince John Don Ron von Finkleshteen. She came down with a wicked case of ghoulish mouthus. This frightful illness made it so everything the princess said was ill-mannered, ill-spoken and just plain nasty. “I’ll never marry Prince Shtinklefiend!” shrieked the normally polite princess to her parents. “With a name like John Don Ron, he’s su...

High up in a tree a large and important insect, known by all as the Grand Poopah, said in a deep voice: “Moses.” “Yes, Most Honorable Grand Poopah, what is your bidding?” said a somewhat smaller insect. “Oh, and by the way, feel free to call me Moe.” “Please lead us in prayers, Moses,” said the Grand Poopah. “That’s Moe, with an ‘e’ at the end,” said Moe. “And do I have to lead?” “Yes, Moses.” “O’ Grandest of Grand Poopah...

There was once a balloon that belonged to two little brothers. He floated against the ceiling in the corner of the boys’ room, his string hanging down. When the brothers brought the silvery balloon home from the birthday party, they fought over him. Their mother said they had to share. At first they paid lots of attention to him. Then they forgot all about him. Now his air was leaking out, and he was starting to sink. As...

You think your life is bad? Consider me. I’m a daddy longlegs with no legs. That’s right, no legs. A Daddy No Legs. Here’s my story: I’m creeping around one day, minding my own business, when I run into some kids. “AAAAAAAAHH!!!” they scream. “A spider!!!!!!” For the record, daddy longlegs aren’t even spiders, and these kids are carrying on like I’m a tarantula. Then a boy picks me up by one of my legs and says, “You thin...