Nights Awake - Adrian Gabardo

"Grab your lunch!" You order me every morning.
"It's raining... Take your umbrella!" You say, every... DAMN... time.
"I just want the best for you." You mumble on.
"Study harder than everyone else." You say, as if I want to be the best.

You left the me your son of a bitch. You actually left me with said bitch.
Don't you think I would remember? Maybe you really thought I wouldn't,
maybe you would be that lucky that an 8-year old couldn't remember you walking away.
But I did dad, every day of my life, I remembered.
Where were you? I wrote something today. Can you read it? I guess not huh.
I have an amazing, extremely well prepared performance today, but I imagine
you are too busy to watch it.

You're back! My smile tells me. The same smiles turning into a dangerously angry
sad, apathetic face in a few months. I wonder why. May it be because after years
you think you can just boss me around? May it be because you've broken this family
beyond unrepairable? Geez! I have no idea... dad.
The time has washed away the pain, but the memories still sting my brain.
What pre-adolescent brain wouldn't suffer from all you've made me go through?
I imagine most would... dad.

"Grab your lunch!" You order me every morning.
"It's raining... Take your umbrella!" You say, every... DAMN... time.
"I just want the best for you." You mumble on.
"Study harder than everyone else." You say, as if I want to be the best.
Those are the things you say now.
And now, is the time my little mind has finally grown.
Grown tired of the shit fed to me every day of my life, of all the lies about you.
Of how you're the bad guy. Of how you're such a despicable monster who has
destroyed my childhood and left me with a scared future.
I'm tired of the idea you're someone I shouldn't love.
I just want to hug you, say sorry for all the times I didn't appreciate your
sweet beautiful protection.

Dad, I just need to say one thing.
I hate you, I hate everything you do.
I hate that you care for me, when I wish I wasn't even here.
I hate that you want the best for me, when I want to be shred to pieces.
I hate me, for not enjoying the person you think I am.
Dad, I just need to say this.
I love you.