‘Is conscience a quantum field?  Is the essence of those who have passed preserved?  Are they truly gone?  The present fading and finally disappearing into an infinite past as the arrow of time moves forward?’

I recall my quantum physics classes and ‘The Conservation of Information,’ and ponder the questions as I struggle with the loss I’m experiencing.

‘Do animals even have a conscience?  Are they self-aware?’

For fourteen years, he was my constant companion.  My best friend. My jogging buddy.  My sounding board in times good and bad. Always there for me.

He couldn’t respond verbally. 

But let me know. Meeting me with a wagging tail.  Doggy kisses as he jumped upon me.  Curling up close beside me and putting his head on my lap while I stroked behind his ears. He loved that. Sleeping at the foot of my bed.

I try to convince myself it is the right thing to do.

He is in pain.  Suffering.

He’s not the only one. 

The most difficult decision I’ve ever made. 

‘Is it the right one?  Will I regret it?’

He seems to know as I lay him down on the examination table. Cuddling him, hugging him one last time.

I’m crying, hurting.

He licks my hand as if to comfort me as the finality of the moment overwhelms me.

But I want to be there.

Holding his head in my arms, the veterinarian puts him down.

Tears flow as my grief overwhelms me and he takes his final breaths.

His brown eyes stare at me until, finally, they close forever.

Fourteen years of his life are over.  Fourteen years of my life are gone.

But not forgotten.

He was and is, and will forever be, part of me.

Rest in peace, my friend, until we meet again.