Would you believe what happened to me just yesterday? I ran into Doubt again. That grumpy man is always in my way, and he steals away my grin. Well, today I say fuck him! I practice staying here, being fully present in the now. But yesterday I let that old Mr. Doubt get to me somehow. He tells me I am silly to believe the things you say. He shows bits and pieces to make me lean his way. And I hate to admit, sometimes I do lean that way, and only half believe what you said the other day. Go away Mr. Doubt! I am not listening to you today. No way!!
I woke up this morning with Mr. Doubt’s gal. Do you know Ms. Cynic? Is she your dearest pal? I’m really not a fan of who she is or what, she always calls me stupid and says that I am nuts. She doesn’t trust a soul. She doesn’t even trust herself. But that’s all she really cares about, just her survival and her health. I’m sure she wants money and lots of love too, but will not allow herself to be free. Ms. Cynic stops to think too much and rarely lets me be. She believes everyone is out to get her, that they’ll steal away her soul. I haven’t the heart to tell her that most things are out of her control. I left Ms. Cynic at a bus station, sending her back to her man. Where they can be ugly together, and oh I know they can.
So here I am, facing evening again and I am waiting and wondering just who will walk in. Will it be my fun SinSinn? The one who likes to laugh and be silly? Who knows, tonight it may be Cousin Billy. I have renamed him Pensive, and I’d tell him so, but he is always too defensive. Everything must have meaning, there has to be a reason why. When I try to explain the why, he looks at me like I am dumb. After all these years he’s learned nothing and considers me a bum. God, I hope it isn’t Billy who shows up at my door, looking for answers and keeping score. I’ll not open the door. Perhaps tomorrow I will explain a bit more.
Oh damn! I forgot my SinSinn had gone away on another one of her many holidays. I am beginning to think her life is a vacation. The phone is ringing! Oh, it’s Ms. Cynic at the station. Well, I will just ignore her and pull the phone's plug. I hate waking up to her mean ugly mug. Now there’s knock at the door, and I want to know who it is. Most people call first …. oh right … not tonight! I’ll never hear the phone ring, but I do hear something, just beyond these walls. I can hear you sing, and I know you don’t ever call. I rush to the door now, my cheeks burning hot. I swing the door open hoping for another shot.
I look around outside, and see it is not you at all. I feel stupid, thinking you’d make a house call. My heart begins to race as I see him out of the corner of my eye. I move slowly backwards, holding my breath, I hear his sigh. Perhaps he hasn’t seen me. I don’t want to be friends with King Lie. But my, oh my! That King Lie sure is persistent. I run back inside and pretend I’m nonexistent. I fly to my room and hide under the bed. That lying King fills me with dread, always twisting everything I’ve said. There is only one I long for, but am beginning to truly see, these people who surround him are trying to get to me. I can’t be sure if they’ve gotten to him already. So I will hide here under my bed until I am strong and steady.
I woke up this morning with Mr. Doubt’s gal. Do you know Ms. Cynic? Is she your dearest pal? I’m really not a fan of who she is or what, she always calls me stupid and says that I am nuts. She doesn’t trust a soul. She doesn’t even trust herself. But that’s all she really cares about, just her survival and her health. I’m sure she wants money and lots of love too, but will not allow herself to be free. Ms. Cynic stops to think too much and rarely lets me be. She believes everyone is out to get her, that they’ll steal away her soul. I haven’t the heart to tell her that most things are out of her control. I left Ms. Cynic at a bus station, sending her back to her man. Where they can be ugly together, and oh I know they can.
So here I am, facing evening again and I am waiting and wondering just who will walk in. Will it be my fun SinSinn? The one who likes to laugh and be silly? Who knows, tonight it may be Cousin Billy. I have renamed him Pensive, and I’d tell him so, but he is always too defensive. Everything must have meaning, there has to be a reason why. When I try to explain the why, he looks at me like I am dumb. After all these years he’s learned nothing and considers me a bum. God, I hope it isn’t Billy who shows up at my door, looking for answers and keeping score. I’ll not open the door. Perhaps tomorrow I will explain a bit more.
Oh damn! I forgot my SinSinn had gone away on another one of her many holidays. I am beginning to think her life is a vacation. The phone is ringing! Oh, it’s Ms. Cynic at the station. Well, I will just ignore her and pull the phone's plug. I hate waking up to her mean ugly mug. Now there’s knock at the door, and I want to know who it is. Most people call first …. oh right … not tonight! I’ll never hear the phone ring, but I do hear something, just beyond these walls. I can hear you sing, and I know you don’t ever call. I rush to the door now, my cheeks burning hot. I swing the door open hoping for another shot.
I look around outside, and see it is not you at all. I feel stupid, thinking you’d make a house call. My heart begins to race as I see him out of the corner of my eye. I move slowly backwards, holding my breath, I hear his sigh. Perhaps he hasn’t seen me. I don’t want to be friends with King Lie. But my, oh my! That King Lie sure is persistent. I run back inside and pretend I’m nonexistent. I fly to my room and hide under the bed. That lying King fills me with dread, always twisting everything I’ve said. There is only one I long for, but am beginning to truly see, these people who surround him are trying to get to me. I can’t be sure if they’ve gotten to him already. So I will hide here under my bed until I am strong and steady.
