Standing here and knowing that we are all flawed and at times seem to be stuck with the things we aren’t proud of, along with the decisions that we have made that turn into those thoughts that torture our dreams and seem to cripple our souls. There times when I, or rather we hate being out here and it seems to be like a nightmare, and sometimes asking ourselves if God is out there and allowing those thoughts to exist and possibly test us. Then again, we know there are things out here and in life that can feel and are possibly worse than death out there, with survival sometimes feeling like a death sentence. Maybe we are part of a doomed race and we should instead of finding that one Essential Truth we should accept it for what it is and make peace with it.
Sooner or later the day will come and we can’t hide from the things that we have done, and life might feel like a curse as well as a blessing with survival being like a double edge blade, and one must also being worthy of surviving. It seems at times the reason I fight is because it feels like the only thing I really know and try to make it possible for some to be able to fight and to continue on. With some thinking there is no real direction and even if it seems as though there is no direction doesn’t mean we don’t have one. All of this has happened before and it will all happen again, like some vicious cycle or like a Möbius loop or strip. There also times when it seems as if we are lost and maybe lost is the place we were meant to be or have been directed there by the Tao.
We seem to be the only ones who seem to understand this place, along with the reasons for our making our way down the line and being able to see things that others can’t or are not allowed to see out here and we don’t know where our story will ever end. Some may take this as being a form of saying goodbye and letting go to keep on moving on down the line but, that ain’t the case and never has been. Still there are those who we have met along the way and have ended up leaving them behind in order to carry on, and in some cases, we might feel haunted by those ghosts and the thoughts of either; having left them behind or have failed them in some way shape or form. This crew I have seems to be at times all I have as they have been well met from the beginning and have been forged in fire like a first great alliance. We all know fear, and it can get us killed while anger will keep us alive and push us to do things, though I have heard it said at meetings I felt I had been sent to hypnotized that it is nothing but a wasted and destructive emotion.
We are alive and still here which seems to confound those critics who have had the graves dug and been waiting to say a requiem of each one of us. Needing to fly low and stay cool while keeping our anger close, and seeing things in shades of grey as well as in black and white and there are times when they go run and hide. Day and night pass and there will be those days as time passes when we will see a stranger staring back from that mirror on the shelf or in the burning mirror we carry in the smoky fires of memory in our minds. Appearances may change as you look at me or when I look at you but, it doesn’t change who and what we are holding onto that one thing they seem to try and change which is one of the few constants in life and cannot bend or break like the passage of day and night.
Night falls and darkness comes when we are alone and sometimes has us chilled to the bone, and sometimes things slip from our hands like whispers being heard in screams with most not meaning anything. Truth is the thing carried and still somethings can’t be undone like some of the words that have slipped from our tongues. All things will one day be like tears in the rain along with all the things we have seen, to be lost in time forever as that false clock continues to tick distracting us and makes us think we are hearing our time being run out like a match on a fire. Every gambler knows that to lose is the only reason they are there and it might seem we are gambling and helpless against the direction we are directed to go in each moment by the Tao. Still I sit there at the table trying to cash in my bad luck with the cards the Devil has dealt me from the bottom of the deck, and trying to win or bluff with a losing hand. There are times when I feel like giving in but my heart won’t let me till all is finally said and done. As we continue to battle against the tide.
To charge our glasses and raise them in the dark red light of the setting sun, and say I gave it all and that we tried to do it all in all the different places we have been. Taken each second to swear we truly lived.
Copyright: Timberwolf International LTD. October 2017 – 70
