Christmas isn't the same anymore...it hasn't been the same in a long time. But this year...something about this year that was just so...terrifying, awful, disappointing.

 The house outside doesn't light up...not like it used to. My father used to be out there the day after Thanksgiving...it's 5 days before Christmas...still no lights. I'd do it myself but...I'm pretty sure he threw them out...and what's the point really? I mean, no one drives up our block anyway, right?

Half decorations, no more shiny wreaths shining bright on the walls and ceilings...no more passion, no more love. It's a sign of a house filled with people who have given up. It's a sign of a house filled with people who have no joy. Twisted lights on the banister leading upstairs are half dark...half out....with broken bulbs and void electricity.

Brothers live in separate houses, with their own damn lights and their own damn trees...their own goddamn families. I'm not invited. I don't live there. My grandmother must be relieved up there. I'm broke.

No presents this year, no Mall-During-Christmas-Time atmosphere, no excitement. 5 more days and I barely feel it. I barely feel anything.

The fake tree this year is laughing at me: "Fuck you Christmas was more real to you as a child than it is now."

"Fuck you and smell my synthetic pine cone car air freshener factory smell."

"Fuck you as you half empty the singular box of ornaments this year...with no music, no laughter, no piano...as you place them on my branches that are as stiff as the hearts of the people who decorate them...branches that don't bend"

Or breathe.

A year of feeling helpless, of accomplishments in only one area: not indulging in chemicals. A lot of good that's been doing me.

There won't be any staying up Christmas Eve...no excitement for Midnight Mass...which means gift-giving and gift-recieving time is just about 9 to 10 hours away. No more countdowns or "It's a Wonderful Life" viewings. No more grandpa. No more Uncle, no more Aunt. No more happy Santa's...just drunk, bar hopping santa's. No more Cinnamon buns on Christmas morning with a family...just 3 of us until 2 o clock rolls around and the rest of the "family" decides to show up...all 2 of them. Each year...smaller and smaller, less meaning less meaning.

Christmas isn't the same anymore...it's gone.