Listen, he has to admit something. He’s never been that lucky in love. He don’t know why, but somehow the women just don’t seem to like him. Oh, but there’s one thing. It is actually very annoying. See, women ARE interested in him, he just don’t believe it. That’s the power of his inability to read people in that way.

It’s messed up, yeah, laugh it up. No, he actually is. Seriously. Hear this out. He can read people in loads of other ways, but when they say that they like him, fancy him or love him. Whee! It goes over the top of the head. Why? He just can’t read them! Yeah, it’s silly. He’s the reason he’s forever alone.

And then along came you. Yup. You. Why does he love you? Well, he just does! There’s just something about you that is easily lovable.

Yet, you just don’t fancy him. Well, maybe you fancy him, but you certainly don’t love him the way he loves you. He actually knows this to be true. See an event happened and for some reason, you just decided to brush it off. No, don’t say anything. He’s not bitter. Hurt, yes. Heartbroken, a little. Bitter, never.

So then why, lately, has he been feeling bouncy? Generally, he only feels that way when he feels that someone likes him, or he likes them. So, he knows you like him, but not in that way, that’s cool. Does this mean he’s cool with it, you know, because he feels bouncy? Probably. But he don’t want to feel fine with it. Actually, he’d rather just say something straight out to you and just get it done, but he cares too much about your feelings.

So, yeah, forever alone. No, don’t cry. He’s fine with that. He’ll rant and rave about it, but he’s not gonna cry. Well, he might cry a bit. Crying isn’t bad. It’s not blackmail.

You know, I have no blimming idea where he’s going with this. I’ll know when he gets there.
Maybe it’s just the fact that we want you and maybe you don’t realise that we do. Maybe he’s misreading you, just like my PS3 is misreading my DVD. So where the hell does he stand on this? I think he might be okay with it.

It’s really tempting to go back to old habits. Like that one. He actually does want to rekindle that one, but I know where it’ll lead. He wants, or more accurately, needs this one. See, you make him feel something we’ve seldom felt.

Her name was Kelly, by the way. He’s hardly told anyone about Kelly. I might tell you, but I need you to keep an open mind. Don’t judge. See, Kelly was (is) three years my junior. Kelly is actually his favourite ex. Why? Because she’s the only other that we ever felt secure enough with. She was three years our junior and at the time we were fifteen. The we were fifteen, she was twelve. Hence the need for an open mind. Don’t judge, we love her.

And then came you. See, we don’t get this. Kelly is our One. But so are you. So, is it possible to have more that one One? But that defeats the purpose of the One being the One. They might as well be the Many, or the Some. What is that about? Maybe if we told you how... no wait, that’s what the event was and you just brushed it off. Well, that’s how it felt. We don’t know.

Jesus, he just wants to stop this idiocy. We fancy you, so maybe I’ll just ask you to meet him. If there’s no spark, or you just can’t be arsed with us, or whatever, we’ll happily be your friend, but jinkies, it’s really silly feeling like this, isn’t it?

Well, he might have said what we need to, here’s hoping I did. Actually, I know we didn’t. This head is in turmoil. Too many personalities.

One more thing. See, we were just wondering if (this isn’t aimed at you, so you can tune out, if you please, otherwise continue with your voyeuristic thrilly thing) why did you just brush me off? We spent ages trying to psyche myself up and do that thing and then it was like “meh”. The fuck?

Ach, tired trying to work the feelings of myself, himself, ourselves and women out. If you want me, us or him, just say, one of us will be here.

Goodbye, I’m off to slit our throat.