A pensioner went to the surgery for a sperm count test. The doctor gave him a jar to provide a sample. Next day, the man returned with the empty jar. Curious, the doctor asked why. "Well, first I tried with my right hand, then with my left, nothing. Then, my wife tried with both hands. Still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, but still no joy. Vera from next door tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still not...

I am related by marriage to one of the big old Birmingham UK families, and at any family event, there are always aunts and uncles, cousins, and nephews, and nieces to catch up with. This afternoon, I attended a family funeral, and as is always the case it was a big family gathering. At the wake after the funeral, I mingled, chatted, and caught up with all the relatives there. Cousins, nephews and nieces, and friends and n...

"Beep!" A coke can. "Beep!" Rusty barbed wire. Every time Derek got a response from his metal detector, it turned out to be another worthless item. The farmer always gave him permission to check out his field after the autumn ploughing, and all day he had been working back and forth without a single meaningful find. As dusk was approaching, Derek decided it was time to give up for the day and head home. But as he collecte...

Wandering around at the annual church fete, I spotted a bubbly Girl Scout standing beside a table covered in plates of delicious looking cookies. “Please buy some cookies from me!” she begged. “It’s for the charity appeal.” “How much are they?” I asked. “They’re £5 a dozen, except these two kinds over there. They’re £6 a dozen.” Figuring there must be something special about the plates of £6 cookies, I asked why that was....

Entering the jewellers he pointed at a bracelet. "I'll take that one please." The assistant boxed the bracelet and gift wrapped it. "That's an expensive gift, special occasion?" "It's a birthday gift. Only the best for my special lady." The assistant smiled and handed him the gift. Thanking the assistant he headed off homewards. Ringing the doorbell, he waited while she slowly opened the door. Giving her the gift, he gent...

Late one night, the police phoned to inform us that one of my grandfather’s buildings was on fire. We rushed up to Brook Farm, but could only stand and watch as his old wooden barn burned to the ground. The firemen let us stand nearby as they pumped water from the nearby stream. As we watched the barn crackle and burn, my parents went into the farmhouse to check on grandfather. The real sadness came as my ninety-three-yea...

It was all my fault, I should never have said yes. Approaching his birthday he asked for a new car to replace his old battered one. I agreed but told him not to drive too fast, but as usual, he didn't listen. "Don't worry Mom - it'll be okay." I knew it would happen. Much too fast his car couldn't make the curve and flew through the air, smashing into the wall. I was so lucky he only just missed my crystal vase. That's it...

To everyone in the room, she seemed just like a normal girl wearing Vans, blue jeans, and a red hoodie. She stood alongside her husband and the other helpers, preparing food parcels for the homeless and needy. "Is that who I think it is?" asked one volunteer. "Yes it is," replied her colleague. "They often donate their time to help us." "But they want it kept a secret, so don't go telling anyone." "It's hard for them to p...

As I walked into the room it felt as if everyone there turned to watch me. My wife walked alongside me for support, but in her heart, she knew she could not help me. I alone was responsible for the path I had chosen last week, and now it was time to hear the result of my actions. I stood on the plinth, with my back to the hushed gathering, and awaited my fate.  Peering up at me the administrator slowly delivered her verdi...

Tyres spent after forty miles of abuse; the racecar is signalled to pit for replacements. Nervous mechanics wait as the driver drives in at 60mph before swerving into his alloted slot, expertly sliding to a halt in front of his crew. Team chiefs and analysts watch anxiously from the pit wall as the mechanics leap into action. Pneumatic wrenches whir as worn wheels and tyres are removed, and replacements slotted into place...

Covid has been with us now for over a year But facemasks unfortunately we still have to wear Boris says restrictions will soon come to an end And time with our friends we'll be able to spend But sensible and safe we need folks still need to be Or the end of restrictions we never will see Keeping our distance for a bit longer yet Making sure an end to this virus we surely will get  

Going online I try to meet her on hereHoping to chat about things we hold dearSharing our news we have plenty to sayHow is the weather - how good was your day?What have we done - where have we been?Interesting things we both may have seen With friendly chat the words begin to flowPerhaps even a little naughty with innuendoSharing secret thoughts between each otherThings that I cannot share with anotherWishing one day we m...