"This tour guide doesn't know what he's talking about. You don't need to go all the way to the student union for lunch — the coffee shop at the library is better, faster and cheaper than the cafeteria. The selection isn't quite as wide, but...""Listen, I appreciate your insight, but you really don't need to be here. It is 'new student' orientation, after all, not 'new student and chaperone.'""We aren't the only mother and...

"No candy." She glares at me, her nostrils flaring with every breath, fists clenched so tightly she’ll have fingernail marks on her palms. I'm watching an impending meltdown. Its cause? Red licorice twists, and my refusal to count them as a dinner component. "RedVines and tortellini" — her impromptu addition to our grocery list — amuses me, but the rules have to be enforced regardless. It won’t be easy. A child with autis...

It had been easy. Ridiculously easy, really. A couple of phone calls to make the arrangements, a few trips to the bank to withdraw the agreed-upon payment in small amounts, and his biggest problem disappeared — his wife kidnapped by a trio of small-time thugs and murdered, her body never recovered.Joseph allowed himself a slight smile while the mourners bowed their heads in prayer during her memorial service, but at "Amen...

 Connor Mulrooney sauntered into the members-only back room of the North Philly Irish Pub with his usual swagger, grabbed a Guinness and settled into a seat that may as well have held a Reserved sign. His chair, the one he always occupied during their weekly gatherings, notably sat right next to Billy’s — not that Connor or anyone else expected the boss to show up. He rarely did anymore, not since "The O’Sullivans," the t...

Cheryl rifled through her purse yet again, racking her brain to figure out what she had forgotten. Cell phone, check. Wallet, check. Keys, check. (Duh. She couldn’t have driven to work without those, now could she?) Gym card, check. She opened the wallet and confirmed (well, reconfirmed — no, actually, re-reconfirmed) that her driver’s license, cash and credit cards were all present.With a sigh, she started to punch in St...

As Lord Bodrum drew his dying breath, he reflected on it all: on his miraculous beginnings and privileged childhood, on his undeserved fall from grace in the court jester scandal and subsequent rise to the throne of a vast kingdom upon proving his innocence, and, naturally, on the five-inch dagger with its hilt barely discernible in his waning peripheral vision, as well as the circumstances by which the handle, intricatel...

Social media. It’s a strange place.A place where an apology can result in being blocked by a so-called friend. Where mention of something proposed an ocean away can trigger an overreaction so extreme that a guy who always seemed nice and normal now comes across as a complete nutcase. Where folks who get together in person for coffee every week can have such a heated disagreement that they end their longstanding friendship...

 This man decided to make a sandwich, but you WON'T BELIEVE what happened next. My jaw dropped! How is this even possible? An AMAZING life hack you NEED to see! You've been doing it wrong your whole life. This. Changes. EVERYTHING. -  - For the full story, CLICK HERE -  -  -  -  -  -  Uh, I put the jam on first when I'm making a PB and J.  -  Related Content: • What this dog does every day will leave you sobbing. No wonde...

Which direction should she go? Tanya had to make a decision. And she had to do it quickly.Taking a deep breath and pursing her lips, Tanya depressed the accelerator. Straight it would be. Straight away from her lifetime home. Straight into the unknown. Straight onto the longest bridge in the world—ironic for someone panicky about crossing bridges, but that was how desperate her situation had become. After discovering his...

Oh come on! It’s a school zone when the lights are flashing or children are present, like the sign RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU says. No lights, no kids—you don’t have to go twenty miles an hour NOW, you idiot. Okay, we’re past the school zone...that means you can speed up. Damn it, don’t tell me you’re going to creep along all the way to the roundabout a quarter of a mile away. Why yes, yes you are. ’Cause none of the people in...

When two young, moderately successful vaudeville performers teamed up for a comedy act in 1923, it didn’t take long to realize that they had found the right fit — both personally and professionally — and that their future success would be far beyond moderate. Together, George Burns and Gracie Allen, who married in 1926, formed one of the most popular and enduring comic duos in entertainment history. Burns was largely resp...

 She woke up ecstatic at the thought of the joyful preparations ahead. She really loved the holidays.Then she caught sight of a printout her husband had left on the table. The Christmas present ticked her off mightily."You got what for my mother?” "It's not what it looks like," he said.“Good, ’cause it looks like a ticket to Timbuktu!”“That’s where I’d like to send her,” he muttered. It was the wrong thing to say.*“The de...

My muse has gone missing! She just up and left. Abandoned, alone... I'm confused and bereft. I've looked high and low, But she's not to be found. Dagnabit! Why, oh why, did she Have to go underground? The world slows to a crawl When my muse isn't here. Plainly, she is the one Who shifts me out of low gear. Without her, 'tis true I'm at a sad loss. For in most facets of life, My muse is the boss. What's for dinner? Who kno...

This humorous riposte to "Colorado Calling" by Alan Jankowski (Dirty Martini) not only employs the same rhyme scheme, but in fact rhymes perfectly with the original while telling the opposite point of view. At last he's gone, hip hip hooray!Let him go mooch off the cannabis cadre.No doubt he'll return before too long—(Given the bum's rush, the urge will be strong.) For too many years I put up with that snake,His easygoing...

 The first time she might have died came at age 17, when a saddle horse reared and threw her, breaking her back. Over the years, she survived many more life-threatening events, each worse than the last: Guillain-Barré syndrome and its accompanying complete if temporary paralysis, pneumonia, spinal stenosis requiring two surgeries, an aneurysm (two more operations, and yes, they were brain surgery), a stroke, a heart attac...