From The Files

Of

Jack Vine

A Jack And The Giant

P I Case File

The Farmer And The Troll

“Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water; Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.”

It was Monday and I had just settled down at my desk, newspaper in one hand and a large cup of coffee in the other, my intent, to relax for a couple hours of blissful boredom. It was then that I heard the door to the outer office open. Hmm I thought, was that my partner in crime already? Usually after a hot date with Terri, that’s his girlfriend by the way and younger sister to the gal I was seeing, he would be hard pressed to get up let alone into work on time. That dame would likely be the death of him yet; I chuckled to myself, what a way to go.

To my surprise, there was a timid knock on the door. Looking at the new frosted glass window Tiny and me had installed with our names painted on it, I could just make out the silhouettes of two people. “Come in.” I said as professionally as a man can at seven fifteen AM. I mean what kinds of nuts were out at this time in the morning anyway?

The door opened and a young man stuck his head in. “Um,” he said hesitantly as if he might have been intruding on something important, “are y’all open yet.”

I motioned him to come in and have a seat, he did so followed by a dame in a flower pattern dress and flats; the young man wore overalls. I noticed both of their outfits were soiled with dirt and grass stains, the young lads head, bound with a makeshift wrap. Naturally I surmised they had been in some kind of a tussle, him injuring his head and his young companion dressing it; I didn‘t think it necessary to go further unless they felt the need to do so. Otherwise they appeared to be your average rural farm couple.

“What can I do for you?” I asked, reluctantly setting my paper to the side. They seated themselves on the couch looking somewhat uncomfortable in an office environment; it was the young lad who spoke up first.

“I shore hopes ya can help us out,” he said in that country backwater twang farm folks used in the sticks. “The missus and me taint shore who we shud’da gone ta see.”

“Well then, perhaps I can guide you in the right direction,” I answered, thinking maybe I had a shot at moving them along somewhere else. “Why don’t you tell me your problem and we’ll go from there, OK?”

“I recon,” he replied. He looked to his wife, clearly uncertain how he wanted to phase their dilemma. She motioned with her head for him to move it along; I was curious as to what their problem was that made him so reluctant to speak. “Well, I’m a farmer ya see,” he stated, “the names Jack and I gots me a spread out a ways from here, me and Jill that is.” He indicated his wife who smiled warmly. I acknowledged her with a wink.

“Go on,” I encouraged the young man, “you’re doing just fine.”

“Well ya see’s,” he complied, “I grows produce for the most part; corn, wheat, taters, crops like that; at least I tries to.” His wife made a snort sound and rolled her eyes; I sensed some tension between the two on this subject and wondered what it could be. He looked her way briefly but did not respond. “The short of it is the ground.” He continued to me instead. “It just don’t seem ta wants ta cooperates, but that t’aint the reason we’s here though; its that Troll.”

“Troll?” I repeated, unsure if I had heard right. “As in - big hairy guy that lives under bridges - kind of Troll.”

“This one seems partial ta living on top of the hill,” he told me matter of fact, “the one with the well on it.”

“The well,” I asked.

“Yes’um sir, the water well; that’s where we go’s ta fetch our water ya see, on the hill.”

“You go and fetch your water from a well on top of a hill,” I confirmed.

“Yes’um; where the Troll seems ta live.”

I looked from the man to the woman, doubt clearly in my eyes.

“T’aint lying,” she informed me. “What Jack done told ya be the truth by golly. Big and ugly look’en brut too.”

“I see,” I lied. “And what exactly did this Troll do that brings you here looking for help?”

“He done pummeled us.” The woman spoke up. “Throttled Jack with his own bucket, he did. Put it over his head like a crown and bashed him a good one. Sent him a tumbling down the hill lickity split; tossed me to, only gentler. I think he’s a bit partial to the ladies,” she added.

“Well I can see why you were reluctant to go to the police,” I said. They both nodded their heads as if that was obvious.

“Would’a tossed us both in one of them there padded rooms fer shore.” The woman told me. “No, ‘taint go’na be no helps from the likes of them. Still, the Trolls gots’ta be dealt with ‘cus we’s got’ta have water.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “That would seem logical. May I ask a question first?”

“Shore ya can,” the young man answered politely.

“I’m curious,” I asked. “Just why did you dig your well on top of a hill? Wouldn’t it have been more convenient, not to mention less deep, to have dug one near your house in the valley?”

“T’weren’t our do’n,” the woman answered. “It was already built there up on the hill when we boughts the place. Figured there must’a been a good reason or they would’na built it there in the first place, right?”

“Well Ma’am, I don’t know, it just seems a bit odd to me, that’s all.” The more I talked with them the more I found I wanted to abuse the English language as thoroughly as they were doing. It felt kind of fun rolling off your tongue. “Maybe y’all might want ta consider that there ide’er,” I said, trying to mimic them.

“Well now,” he replied, “I’ll shore consider that sir; ya can be cert’n of that. But in the mean time, what should we all do ‘bout the Troll? T’aint likely ta go’s away have’n gone ta all that trouble ta built’s that booth’n fence ‘round the well and all.”

“Come again?” I asked, not understanding this latest bit of information. “What fence?”

“Guess I neglected ta tells ya ‘bout the fence and booth, huh,” he said meekly.

I nodded, wondering where this was going.

“He built one,” the young man went on with his explanation. “A fence that is, ‘round the well with a booth in front and a sign over that. Keeps bellow’n that it was his Troll booth and a drink would cost a copper.”

“Dumb old varmint cant’s even spell Troll right,” the young lady added her two bits; “furgat the “r” in Troll ya see.”

I looked at her and grinned. “A Tollbooth, huh?”

“Guess so,” she chuckled, smiling girlishly at my playful jest.

“Can ya helps us out any Mr, uh?” He realized he didn’t know my name and paused.

“Jack,” I supplied. “Jack Vine. Sure, we’ll take your case,” I told them. “My partner and I can come out there and have a heart to heart talk with your Troll.” They seemed a bit unsure at first, until I informed them that my partner was a giant and wouldn’t be so easily tossed down any hill. That seemed to impress them.

“Giant is he?” Jill said, her eyes wide. “That should make the varmint think twice for shore and certain.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I stood and shook the young mans hand. “My partner,” I told them politely, “should be in, in a couple of hours; I’ll inform him of the situation and we’ll both be out to your place this afternoon.” I looked at my watch to check the time; it was still a bit early. “We’ll check in with you first before confronting your unwelcome squatter.” I explained. The girl giggled at my colorful metaphor identifying the Troll.

“That’s a good’n,” She replied, with a sparkle in her eyes. “You t’aint nearly as scary as Jack and me thought ya’d be.”

I chuckled and kissed her hand gallantly. “T’aint nut’n sister,” I replied jokingly. “T’aint nut’n at all.” Both laughed and walked out hand in hand.

When Tiny finally arrived, I filled him in on the situation over at Jack and Jill’s farm, and showed him a map the young lad had handed me just before leaving. It was a simple sort of map; the kind you’d expect from simple folks with little to no formal education. I was more taken with his directions on where and when to turn; left at the red barn with the broken door, right onto the dirt road where a big tree had fallen over, things like that.

“Hmm,” Tiny said, looking at me with that ‘have you been hitting the sauce a little early’ look. “If you say so,” he replied instead, his thought unsaid. I had to chuckle.

“Look partner,” I told him. “I’m no more sure how valid their story is than you are, but thinking over some of our past cases, I’m not going to discount it outright. You didn’t think a lamb could jam on a banjo before you saw Mary’s lamb, do it, Right?”

Tiny nodded his head in agreement; “Never seen three little pigs rock the house down at the Meadows Club either,” he pointed out. “Or any place else for that matter.”

“Touché,” I said grinning. I looked at my watch once again, it was 10:30, still a bit early but there was nothing else we needed to get done here at the office. “Might as well lock up and check our clients story out now,” I speculated.

“Say Jack,” Tiny said while looking the map over. “You think maybe we could stop and see if Terri and Mary would like to join us. Their pasture isn’t to far from this farm you know.”

“What?” I inquired, “Like make it a picnic kind of thing.” It was a good idea for sure, the kind that earned you extra bonus points later that night when you and your babe were cuddling under a blanket with the lights turned off, hmm. I noticed then the look on my partners face; it was the look of a man who had more on his mind than he was willing to admit. “You got some special reason for suggesting this idea?” I asked. I didn’t figure on an honest answer so wasn’t surprised when I didn’t get one.

Uh, no,” he hesitated, looking like the kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Giants I should point out are generally bad liars; it’s the reason you never see any selling used cars or playing poker.

“Ok kid,” I grinned. “I wont press it; if you got something going on with Terri, I’ll hold my tongue,” Tiny grinned but confirmed nothing.

The drive was a nice one once we got out of the city; the kind of drive most city dwellers never even know exists outside of an episode of Wild Kingdom or National Geographic. The hills were green and the pastures lush. Even the sky was teeming with life.

We made it out to where the girls were tending the sheep with their father. Terri surprised to see my partner so soon leaped into his arms almost knocking him to the ground in the process. Her lips found his, planting a long and passionate kiss while Mary and me pretended not to notice engaging instead in small talk. You’d have thought Terri hadn’t seen Tiny in week’s verses the hours it actually had been. Eventually I was able to run the idea of a picnic by them and asked if they were game. I pretended it was all my idea though Mary I suspected wasn’t buying it I gave her a quick wink and she didn’t pursue it any further.

The girls were dressed in their sturdy work duds consisting of denim pants and a cotton top. In my opinion, they filled them out way better than any man ever thought possible.

“Are you gals up for the idea then?” I pitched. They were and it wasn’t long before we were back on the road to Jack and Jill’s farm. I told the girls the story the young couple had concocted and asked what they thought. I expected rolling eyes and a round of laughter; that’s not what I got.

“A huge Troll?” Mary said. “Probably Mighty Tim,” she informed us.

Not once did she or her sister consider the story to be the fabrications of a couple that went off the deep end. “Mighty Tim?” I questioned.

“Yeah,” Terri chuckled and I looked her way. “He’s not very bright and harmless for the most part,” She elaborated. “At least towards girls; I think he’s kind of bashful,” she added and snickered.

I informed them of what the couple claimed he did to them and indicated that they had no reason to be lying. “He doesn’t sound harmless to me,” I stated.

It took us another twenty minutes before we finally reached the farm; when we got out of the car the first thing I noticed was an unusual odor in the air. It reminded me of a gas station or used tire store, the kind you see on every corner in most cities; those didn’t seem likely way out here though. I looked over to my partner hoping to get his assessment; he too was sniffing the air with distaste, his look of confusion mirroring mine.

“Yuck! What’s that disgusting smell?” Terri commented, holding her nose. Mary was likewise holding hers.

I shrugged my shoulders not having any answer to give them and headed over to the little houses front door. Jill was the first to greet us. Still sporting the same flower pattern dress as earlier, she had now added an apron around her waist and was carrying a bowl in her hands.

“Hi ya Mr. Vine!” she greeted me with a smile; it was as bright as a morning sunrise. “Y’all come right on in,” she said. “Jack’s out back work’n on the tractor, I’ll fetch’m soon as I puts this bowl of pie fill’n in the kitchen. Would y’all cares for a glass of freshly made lemon-aid?” she added politely. We all nodded and she disappeared around the corner into the kitchen.

The inside of the little farmhouse was, to say the least, neat and orderly. There wasn’t, as far as I could tell, a speck of dust anywhere to be seen. I wondered how that was possible considering what my place looked liked, hmm.

“You have a very nice place here,” Mary complimented our host in the next room. “I love what you’ve done with your furniture. It looks handmade; is it?”

Jill’s voice beamed with pride as she answered; “Jack done made most everything ya see’s in the house.” She said. “Even some of the decorations be his do’n. I jest arranges them and keeps ‘em clean. Here’s ya lemon-aid. She said as she reentered the main room and handed us each a tall frosty glass.”

“Wow!” Tiny exclaimed, the first to take a sip. “This is the best tasting lemon-aid I’ve ever tasted.” He downed the rest in two large gulps and belched. “Sorry,” he apologized with a smile.

Curious, I tried the drink next and was stunned at the rich flavor. Tiny wasn’t exaggerating; this had to be the best lemon-aid ever made. “Mmm.” I complimented Jill. “This is dynamite. Best I ever had.” Mary and Terri both agreed, downing their drinks almost as fast as Tiny had.

“You should bottle this,” Terri, told Jill as she tried to shake out the last drops from her glass. “You could make a fortune.”

Jill, glowing with pride and placing a finger to her lips replied. “It’s a family rec’pee, very secret ya know.” Glancing bashfully at both Mary and Terri, she added in a whisper, which I overheard easily. “Its Jacks favorite; makes him real frisky in bed.” Her eyes quickly darted back to Tiny and myself and giggled girlishly. I was pretty sure I was meant to over-hear that last statement but pretended I did not. I did however keep it in mind.

It wasn’t long before Mary, Terri, and Jill were gabbing away on every topic under the sun. Dames were like that so I nodded to my partner, indicating a discreet and tactful retreat. I headed through the kitchen and out the back door followed closely by my partner. Once outside we made a B-line towards the open barn and the sounds of metal on metal. There we found Jack working busily on a vintage tractor. It appeared to be a turn of the century design yet as clean as if it were brand new.

“Nice set of wheels you have there friend,” I greeted Jack. He turned and smiled neighborly when he saw us, placing a large wrench he had been using off to the side. I notice he wiped it spotless with a rag before doing so then proceeded to do the same with his hands.

“Well there ya be,” he said brightly. “Could’na timed it any better. I jest finished tuning up ol’ Bessie here.” He indicated the spotless relic from a by-gone era as if it were a close family member. “Was ‘bout ready ta mossy on in ta gets me sump’n ta drink,“ he said. “That there Troll mus’ta gone off ta gets sum brek’fist earlier so’s I nabbed us several buckets of water ta tide us over sum. He explained and indicated the buckets on a bail of hay.

“Good idea,” I replied, looking around. “Where exactly is this hill your referring too?” I noted several possibilities surrounding the little farm and wondered which one it was, the oddity of placing a well on top of a hill still in the back of my mind.

Jack turned to his right and pointed off towards the closest rise. “That there hill,” he said, squinting his eyes just a bit due to the sun. “Ya can see’s the well and that there fence he built plain as day, see?”

I turned in the direction he was pointing and sure enough could make out the little structure. “Hmm,” I pondered. “I still can’t figure out why the previous owners would build their well on top of a hill instead of down here.”

“It is a bit of a stroll, fer shore,” Jack commented. “But the fresh air up there is invigorating ta boot. Shore beats the smell we have here in the valley.”

“Yes,” I answered. “We noticed the unusual odor when we drove up. You have any idea what’s causing it?”

“Nope,” He replied honestly. “Gets stronger the farther out into the fields that away though.” He indicated an area east of where we stood. “Same area that’s been giv’n me all that there trouble grow’n things,” he told me. “Ya think it might be related?” he asked. “Shore hadn’t considered that ide’er.”

“Hard to tell,” I told him, my curiosity peaked. “We’ll go have a look, soon as my partner is ready to go have a talk with your Troll. You said he wasn’t up there just yet,” I asked.

“Oh, that was earlier,” Jack replied. “That big ol’ Troll’s up there now. See’s him stand’n behind that there booth I told ya ‘bouts.”

“Your eyes are younger than mine are,” I told him with a smile. “I’ll take your word for it. Ok, Tiny,” I said to my partner, “see if you can get anywhere with him. Find out what his gripe is but play it safe; we don’t want to start anything just yet. From what the girls say, he use to be a pussycat, see if you can find out what changed that.” He nodded his understanding and headed off towards the hill.

“Ok sport,” I said to Jack. “Lets you and me go follow our noses, shall we.” He too, nodded and we headed in the opposite direction into the fields. As Jack had pointed out, the farther we walked the stronger the odor seemed to get. After wondering around for some twenty minutes or so, we finally came across a large black area of ground with a boulder near the center. “What happened here?” I asked, squatting down and running a finger into the darkened earth. The sludge on my finger felt slick, the odor so strong my eyes were stinging.

“Tried ta haul that there boulder outta the ways sum, ta make plant’n a little easier,” he informed me. “Taint much ta look at but it shore is plum heavy. Best Bessie and me could due was roll it the one time. Nearly dun the ol’ gal in, in the process to, so’s I gived it up. Ground started getting soft couple days later. Thought maybe of blast’n the rock ta bits, but with the ground like it is, fig’ered it weren’t worth the trouble.”

“Hmm,” I pondered some more, “Let me have that rag of yours.” I took the offered cloth, soaked up some of the dark ooze, and stood back up. “Lets head back to the house,” I suggested. “If this is what I think it is, we’ll want to be well clear of this field.” Jack I could see hadn’t a clue to what I was thinking, yet wisely followed orders.

Back at the barn, I placed the rag inside a metal bucket and placed it on the ground in the open air. I then took a match, lit it, and tossed it into the bucket staying well clear. VOUSSSH! A great ball of fire erupted from the vessel sending a mushroom style cloud into the air then settling down to burn a steady blue flame.

“What the…?” Jack exclaimed, stepping back a step or two; his mouth dropped a foot in utter shock.

“Petrol,” I said in answer to the unasked question. “Congratulations Jack, you’re now the proud owner of an oil well.”

“By golly!” He gasped in disbelief.

An hour or so later Tiny came strolling down the hill with one of the ugliest creatures to walk on two legs. The Troll in question was a bit smaller than my partner by maybe a foot or so, and built like a stack of bricks. He was the kind of critter you wouldn’t want to come across in a dark alley on a Saturday night without a good size heater and a loaded clip to back you up. He was, to my amazement, grinning from large ear to large ear; his mouth framed by a thick bush of bright red bristled.

My partner, I could hear, was laughing hysterically. “That’s a good one Timmy,” Tiny was complimenting the behemoth, while wiping away tears of laughter. He looked our way and waved. “Hey Jack. He introduced me. “This here is Timmy.”

“Hi there Timmy,” I replied neutrally. I decided to let my partner lead the conversation, discovering what the caper was all about at his leisure. I had a feeling it would be a whopper.

“Timmy here lives around these parts,” Tiny began to explain. “He’s been looking for ways to make a living but hasn’t really hit upon any ideas that’s worked out so far. He had thought he could make some cash selling water from his family’s well,” he explained further. “But hasn’t made even one sale yet.”

I noted Tiny specifically stating ‘His well’, as appose to ‘The well’. I wasn’t sure if Jack had picked up on it or not. We’d need to examine the claim of ownership later I decided. “That’s a shame.” I said, giving my partner the green light to continue.

“Timmy here’s real ambition is to be a comedian,” He informed us. “You should hear some of his jokes and stories; had me busting a gut all the way down here. I told him trying to sell well water way out here, probably wouldn’t get him much, being there isn’t to many customers around. He said he kind of figured that out already and had been thinking all morning what else he could do to get some cash. Like I said he’s trying to get into show business.”

I realized this was the pitch Tiny was getting at and had a bad feeling in my stomach, “Oh.” I responded,
“I told him we might be able to swing him some part time work at the office doing odd jobs for us, Jack. You know, like keeping the place clean, getting stuff when we need it. He could even helping out on long stack-outs at night.”

I nodded, the idea not nearly as bad as I had envisioned. “Sounds good to me,” I answered. I turned towards the Troll giving him the once over; I didn’t want to appear to easy a patsy, that’s just not good for business. “What about it Tim?” I asked him. “You think you could handle long hours at night watching dark windows? It can get pretty boring.”

“Timmy, not sleep much,” he replied. “Timmy likes to work on jokes when dark and quiet. Timmy comes up with best material then. Timmy only wants to make others laugh.”

“That’s nice,” I said just a bit confused considering the knot he had given my client on his noggin. “Can I ask you one question that’s sort of bothering me?” I asked him. He nodded. “Why did you bash Jack here on the head then? I mean if all you want to do is make people laugh then bashing another’s head seems counter productive, don’t you think.”

The big Troll’s gaze turned towards the young farmer, I noted Jack was keeping his distance. “Little man smells bad,” he replied. “Need to take bath. Timmy not like his odor; make eyes hurt much. Man wouldn’t leave, so Timmy had to send him tumbling. Timmy sorry after, but glad stink gone, eyes not hurt no more.”

“So that’s the story,” I commented, realizing Jack and Jill’s clothing probably had some of the crude oil on them. Timmy, with his massive nose, was likely to be much more sensitive to the smell and took steps to send it away. Sure it wasn’t the best way to handle things, but probably the quickest.

“It not a story,” Timmy informed me. “It’s what happened.”

“Yeah,” I said. “That’s what I meant.” I turned to Jack who was still in the dark and explained further. “Looks to me like Goliath here just couldn’t handle the strong stench of that Petrol all over your work cloths,” I told him. “He, being a Troll, sent you away as quickly as he could, i.e. tossing you both down the hill.”

“Oh,” Jack answered, looking the Troll over and thinking matters through. “Then that there well on the hill don’t belong to me?” He asked, off the current subject. Apparently he had heard the Troll after all.

“Timmy’s family built water well on hill long ago,” The Troll said mater-of-fact. “Even before Timmy was Timmy,” he grinned. “Water comes down off farther mountain to valley; hill lowest part of Families property,” he finished.

“Oh,” Jack said with a frown. “Guess I shud’da checked where my property actually ended.” He reflected. “My ‘pologies Mr. Troll,” he said to the hairy critter. “From me and the missus both. Recon you turn’en out ta be’n a naybor and all; I out’a introduce myself; I’m Jack.” He reached out his hand in a gesture of friendship and smiled.

The big Troll grinned and mimicked the gesture. “Timmy happy to meets you Mr. Jack,” he said ecstatically.

“Well the,” Jack added. “The least I can do is have ya meets my missus. Jill’s likely ta be pleased as punch and if’n your thirsty Mr. Troll, she can fix us up a pit’cher of her lemon aid.”

The big critter looking confused turned to Tiny; “lemon aid?” he asked.

“Trust me on this one Timmy.” Tiny answered. “Your going to love the taste of Jill’s home made lemon aid a lot.” The Troll shrugged his massive shoulders and followed Jack into the house.

Once in, introductions were made and the story of what had transpired the previous day explained. It took me a bit to explain the connection between the smell and the pummeling but once that was realized the girls, including Jill, took pity on Timmy.

“Ya poor thing,” Jill said, handing Timmy a full pitcher of lemon aid as if it were a regular glass. “We never would’a thought we smelled so bad; Taint like us ta go’s ‘round reak’n and such. Had we a known your nose was so sens’tive, we would’a changed out of our work duds for shore.”

Timmy’s face, though mostly covered in thick red scraggly hair, still found a way to blush. “Timmy feels really bad for what he did,” he said honestly. “Nice people can use well any time they want,” he threw in. “Water off mountains very special;” he said, “Taste good…” He then took a sip of the curious drink. His eyes lit up with surprise and he downed the rest in a couple of gulps producing the loudest belch I’ve ever heard. “Sorry,” he apologized bashfully. “This very, very, very good,” he said. “Better even than mountain water; Timmy never taste anything like it. Timmy would like more if ok,” he asked, a sparkle in his eyes.

Grinning at the Troll, Jill replied with a laugh, “Shore ya can Mr. Troll; I’m pleased as can be so many of ya likes my lemon aid. I wonder if’n maybe I could make a go at market’n grannies brew. What do ya think Jack?”she asked her husband. “Could be a ways ta gets us some exter cash we’ve been need’n.”

Jack look to me then back to his wife, “Well honey,” he started, “that there taint likely ta be a problem no mores.” He looked my way once more, indicating for me to do the rest of the explaining.

“It’s like this sister,” I said to her. “That valley you all have been having so much trouble growing anything on sits on top of a fairly large oil strike. You sink yourselves a couple of wells and you’ll be rolling in dough. Fact is I know an assistant D. A. that could set you up with one of those oil companies and have you sitting pretty in no time. In six months you’ll be worth millions.”

Jill of course fainted dead onto the floor, or would have, had Timmy not caught her. We laid her down on the couch, placing a cold rag on her head till she came around. Then we congratulated the stunned couple and wished them well.

Afterwards, I told Timmy if he wanted to take us up on that job offer he’d need to get his things in order. You know, like clothing, personal items, telling his parents where he’ll be, that kind lf stuff. “We’ll pick you up here at Jack and Jill’s tomorrow afternoon,” I said. “Then set you up somewhere to stay.” He was so excited that he dashed off to get started.

For the most part things were winding down nicely, when I turned towards Tiny. I realized then that he’d been unusually quiet throughout the whole ordeal and wondered why. That’s when I remembered what he had planned earlier or at least what I suspected. I could tell something was still on his mind but so much had happened that he appeared to be reluctant to follow through, maybe a little nudge help.

“Hey Tiny,” I said to him. “What do you say, you and Terri take a couple of buckets up that hill and get some more water.” He looked at me confused so I added; “Jack says the view up there is breathtaking, almost romantic. I winked at him and rolled my eyes in Terri‘s direction. Giants can be a little dense sometimes.

“Uh yeah,” he finally replied, the light switch turning on. “I was thinking the same thing.” He turned to Terri and bowed theatrically, “Care to go for a romantic stroll?” He grinned to her. She blushed at his suggestive grin, took his hand and they strolled out the backdoor.

“Jack,” Mary said suspiciously. “Is something going on I should know about.”

Jack and Jill were also looking my way as I responded. “Taint nut’n blue eyes,” I said with a grin, “that cant’s wait a few more moments ta hear ourselves.” I went to the backdoor, opened it and stepped to the side. I then placed a hand to my ear and listened patiently. After a few minutes of silence we heard a loud scream and Mary ran wide eyed to the door, “what the…?” she started to shout; that is until she saw Terri embracing Tiny in a most passionate kiss.

“Congratulations gorgeous,” I said smiling knowingly, I do believe there’s going to be a wedding. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a small box. Getting down on one knee in front of a very wide eyed Mary; I opened the box to reveal a diamond ring. Tears started to fill her eyes as I asked my gal, “Care to make it a double?” It took a couple seconds for her paralysis to subside; when it did, she plowed me over like a battering ram all the while covering my face with kisses of her own.

“Well I’ll be!” Jack said to Jill.

Seeing everyone kissing Jill embraced her husband saying, “shud’up and kiss me too.

*THE END*