Dear Diary. I hate it here in boring old Wisconsin. Nobody dresses with style and creativity. They all look exactly the same: jeans and hoodies, with long straight blonde hair. They all act obnoxious, and they're all into drugs. I hate it, hate it, hate it, and think I would not make it if it wasn't for Ed. At least with Ed, I have someone to talk to.

Living with my parents is okay. They're alright; especially my mom. My dad is a sort of annoying, but he gives us a ride to Walmart where we both got jobs. Hey, it's better than nothing, and it's just temporary anyway, since we'll both be going to college once we save up the money.

But here's where I'm really going to be honest. I really miss Joshua Franklin. I know he was bad for me. And I know I have Ed, and Ed would do anything for me cause he's the nicest most sincere most loyal guy on the planet. But unfortunately, Ed is no Joshua.

And yeah, I mean sexually. Joshua and I had the most amazing chemistry. I don't think I'll ever have that sort of chemistry with someone again. Maybe it only comes once in a life time. I was making it work - cheating on Ed with Joshua, while Joshua cheated on his girlfriend with me. It was perfect. I had the excitement of a really hot affair, along with the convenience and security of a steady guy, Ed, who's now my hubby.

I think humans need both, stimulation and safety, in order to feel truly fulfilled. How do you get that in a marriage or a long term relationship without cheating?

I know I was lucky Ed never found out. I would hate to loose Ed. He's my rock. He's my confidence. He accepts me - even first thing in the morning when my hair is all sticking out and I have no make-up on and look like the bride of Frankenstein on crack. Even when I get my flare ups of eczema that make me look like a diseased pariah. He's so understanding. He always asks how I'm feeling... he always buys me little gifts, even though it makes my dad mad because he says I already have too much crap in my room.

But Ed can never match Joshua when it comes to excitement - when it comes to making me feel ALIVE...alive with pleasure... alive with emotion, like I'm on another plane of existence. Joshua wasn't always nice to me. In fact, sometimes he was a downright ass. He treated me like shit. He didn't call. He put me down. He made me wonder if he even wanted to see me again. He made me sweat, and wait for him.

But then when he did finally call or text, I would be in heaven. He was my drug. Like with drugs, you know they're bad for you - but you just can't stop, because the high you get from them is something boring old reality can never hope to compete with. Not that I really know about drugs since I am anti-drugs, in general. But I'm just guessing it's like that.

It's like, when I was with Joshua, time just stopped. And it was just the two of us in the whole world - Ed didn't exist, my friends didn't exist, or my family, or anyone. And I wished that time would go on forever and ever, only of course, it couldn't, since real life had to intrude. Joshua had his awful girlfriend Trina who wore lime green sweatpants and had long tangled greasy looking hair.

She also wore way too much eye liner, and in my opinion, was so skinny she practically looked like a corpse. I mean, I'm skinny, but at least I have a shape. I have hips and a butt, even though my breasts are kinda small. What can I say? Joshua likes skinny girls, I guess. Anyway, I would have to get back to Ed, and pretend like I'd just been with my girlfriend Christy.

Joshua Franklin was a lousy boyfriend. I could never trust him. (And I was right... see, you can't trust him, cause he was cheating on his girlfriend with me). But he was a much better as my "affair." Even though, like I said, he didn't always treat me very well. It didn't matter. He injected my boring life with excitement. But now, he's so far away. He's back in New York, and I'll probably never see him again. I know that's best. I took him off my Facebook, since I can't stand seeing him pose with his dumb dead looking girlfriend.

But I miss him so much. There's no logic to chemistry. It just exists or it doesn't. And that's just how it is.