This is the personal blog of the ineffably, inestimably awesome Mister Impossible, Super-villain First Class, Mad Scientist, Master of Malevolent Magic, Soon-To-Be Master of The Universe. The views expressed by the author do not reflect the views of the Think Tank, the Lords of Injustice, the Royal Academy, or any other super-villainous or scientific organizations. For more information about Mister Impossible's dastardly deeds, villainous awards and past research projects, visit his profile. And for any superheroes viewing this blog, please head to SuperForums or face the wrath of Impossible!

Post: Juggling Suns: The Day I Almost Ended All Days 

by Mister Impossible

Greetings, fellow masters of mayhem! This is the chronicle of the 237th Impossible Scheme, and how Impossible attained ultimate power, and held all of reality in his fist; how I decimated the ranks of the so-called superheroes and threw the very sun out of the solar system... and ultimately ended up being savagely beaten by base brutes, a sensation with which most of you will be all too familiar.

I shall be brief.

For those of you who do not know, I have mastered the science of Earth, and of many other stellar systems besides. I have also taken more than a passing interest in the arts of magic – and as my mastery has grown, I have come to realize the oneness of technomancy, the interrelationship between magic and science.

And with this realization came a visitation – from Protector himself, at the behest of the Oracle at the Edge, who warned me that this was a path not to be considered. And thus did Impossible trick the secret of the Essence Stone from the foolish Protector.

To retrieve this artifact, I was required to locate and prevail over four self-proclaimed Guardians of the Universal Essence. I defeated one simply by solving the Riddle of the Ridiculed Reasoners. I handled another in physical combat, aided by the power of my super-suit. Another I bested in a duel of magic. And the last Guardian I took on in pure soul-to-soul struggle. This... was not easy. But Impossible bends to no one, cosmic deity or no.

And so I received the Essence Stone, and became a god.

In an instant, I knew everything that was occurring throughout the universe, and my thoughts became reality. Worlds, even galaxies, were mine to shape. I saw that I could change everything for the better, and Impossible would rule all, with an iron grip and a velvet glove, as a true deity should. And I saw the Earth and its tiny protectors, and their insignificance in the greater scheme of things, and knew that they were beneath my notice, and should trouble me no more.

But somehow they did... and I wanted at least a little revenge before I took my rightful place as the Ruler of Reality. So I sent out a little thought, and ripped the sun from the solar system and sent it flying out into the void. Naturally, this should have resulted in chaos in the worlds left behind, and the ultimate extinction of life on Earth.

Unfortunately, I found omniscience and omnipotence to be a bit too much even for the mind of Impossible, and quite lost track of my body in all this. And so OmniMan and Protector led some cosmic heroes to gather an alliance of the great cosmic powers, which I watched with amusement and countered with ease.

Alas, I didn't notice while Whisper and her hand-picked thug squad tracked my body down, beat their way through my defenses (which were rather good, in fact) and took the Stone from me. Thankfully my faithful servant, Borges, was able to spirit me away before I could be captured, though he lost his own freedom in the process.

And that was the end of Scheme No. 237. I understand that the Guardians have since received a significant upgrade from the Ultimate Cosmic Principle, and that the Stone can no longer be wielded by one alone. So much for that.

Permit me to say this: It is possible that, in my haste to make use of my new-found power and my zeal to be rid of the hated OmniMan, I had not thought this through all the way. Impossible makes no apologies... but I must admit that I am glad the combined efforts of the heroes were able to reverse my action and prevent a potential calamity to all life on Earth.

I am less glad for the beating that I received at the hands of the accursed Whisper and her gang of super-thugs. No man may lay hands on Impossible! And that goes for masked women in form-fitting outfits as well.

But fear not, True Believers. Impossible shall have his revenge...

Comments

#1: Laser Lass
Abilities: Body composed of living light, energy manipulation
Known For: The Death of Blaster, lightning thefts
No sweat, Mister I. It was a great achievement anyway, and we all know how easy it is to get carried away in the moment – and some of us would've survived no matter what. But there's a reason we have those Super-villain Emergency Safe Planet Teleporters, you know. Just give us fair warning and we'll head on through and sip some fun extragalactic cocktails and wish you well. You designed the dang things, after all...

#2: MatterMan
Abilities: Can shift between phases of matter (liquid, solid, gas, plasma confirmed)
Known For: Maximum Vengeance, revealing Crackle's treachery
Speak for yourself, Laser. I might have survived... but I don't really think I'd enjoy being frozen forever without the heat of the sun. Not that I'm criticizing you or anything, Mister Impossible. But I don't actually have one of those Teleporters... any chance I could get one? I'd owe you one...

#3: Master Thinker 
Abilities: Genius (robotics, computers)
Known For: The Robot Wars, Y2K, inventing internet banner ads
I keep telling you that the only way for us to ever get ahead of these stupid superfascists is if we know what they're up to at all times. To that end, I tried infiltrating their Superforum message board... but you would not believe how good that Mind One artificial intelligence is at policing that site. Caught me in under five minutes and made my own BattleBots give me a spanking. Literally. In front of my henchmen. Not my proudest moment, I tell you.

#4: Black Operative
Abilities: Super-soldier (enhanced physical and mental capabilities, military training), espionage
Known For: Assassinating US President Jameson, destabilising the Middle East
Way I hear it, Thinker, you got caught because you actually posted some incredibly idiotic bragging on the Forum while the heroes were using it. You could've gotten away with some valuable intel, but you decided to act like a child instead. Way to prove your genius... Marion.

#5: MatterMan
Mister I? I could pull a job for you right now if it would help make up your mind. How about a million dollars? I know you're not hurting for cash, but still...

#6: DejaVu
Abilities: Time traveller, advanced technology
Known For: It Came From Outer Time, general mischief
Heh. I remember that story – we used to talk about it all the time when I'm from. We called it Impossible's Idiocy. Hell, a story like this actually made it into that one alternate universe - in a comic book called The Infinity Gauntlet. Kids there know why your big plan would never work... And don't they have Avengers movies here? Those things made ALL the money!

#7: Master Thinker
Reply to: #3 Black Operative
Look, I got carried away, okay? Happens to the best of us (see, for example, Mister Impossible's original post). Why do you always have to rub it in? Anyway, this is why I always tell you we should team up – I can supply the technical savvy, and you can supply the common sense and tactical stuff. Also, you can maybe handle all that physical stuff – with help from my robots, of course.

#8: Light Lass
Reply to: #6 Deja Vu
Oh, shut up, DV. You never add anything useful to the discussion, and then you always pop up to say I told you so afterwards. If you know so much, how come all your schemes get foiled, huh? What, you just never learned to read a history book in the far future?

#9: Black Operative
Reply to: #6 Master Thinker
You may have a point there, Thinker. You have pulled off some pretty amazing techno-stunts before – and I do think your robot army has a lot of potential. With the right kind of tactical mind behind them... I'll pop you an email and we can meet to talk it over, alright? Maybe over lunch – my treat. I do owe you for that save last year, after all.

#10: Rent-A-Crowd
Abilities: Multiplicity
Known For: The Day They Stole Everything, The One-Man War
Reply to: #7 Black Operative 
That's the spirit, guys. Two heads are better than one, right? Let me know if you need a few hands to assist with anything – even if it's just holding a few blasters, my duplicates will be happy to assist.

#11: Death Fist
Abilities: Martial arts master, espionage
Known For: assassinating several top martial artists (nearly including Whisper)
I, of course, will not be holding any blasters. But I believe you can all see the value of having my skills at your disposal...

#12: Mister Impossible
Abilities: Genius (all known fields), master of magic
Known For: Time Crimes, Rewriting Reality, Conquering Limbo, Credit Crunch
Impossible approves of this newfound spirit of unity. While I need no allies, and indeed find you all to be unworthy of the honour, I do enjoy seeing villains attain their full potential. Contact me if your schemes involve OmniMan or Whisper. I would be happy to lend a Limbo Legion or two to speed their demise. I may even be willing to throw OmniBeast into the deal. Please do remember to keep a firm hand of the Beast's controller, though. I assure you that being beaten by OmniBeast is every bit as painful as receiving a beating by the hand of the hero he's cloned from. Oh, and MatterMan – you may have a Teleporter as soon as you bring me the Phase Translator that caused your initial transformation. Studying it should prove most enlightening.

#13: MatterMan
Reply to: #12 Mister Impossible
Thanks so much, Mister I! You won't regret it. I'll even throw in that million, no problem. And I'll work off my debt by joining that Limbo Legion you'll be sending with Op and Thinker. Least I can do.

#14: Loki Fire-Eyes
Abilities: Immortal, divine magic, genius (trickster)
Known For: Killing Baldur (repeatedly), Ragnarok (I and II)
If the esteemed Mister Impossible would support this endeavour, how then could I refuse? I shall count myself lucky if thou wouldst consider me for inclusion in this matter – and I shall of course be willing to bring my dark elves and chaos-spawn along. I ask of thee only one thing: that I be given the honour of taking the life of Baldur the Bold.

#15: Master Thinker
Reply to: #12 Loki Fire-Eyes
Loki, guy, you know we'd be more than happy to have you. You've been doing this super-villain thing for longer than my country's been around, you know your way around a fight and your jokes are downright hilarious. But I've got to ask – what's with the killing Baldur thing? Why do you keep doing it?

#16: Fatal Attractor
Abilities: Magnetic mastery
Known For: The Battleship Thefts, The Day the Magnetic Field Shifted
I've always wanted to be part of a major team-up... and this one could definitely use a woman with a bit of a magnetic personality. I'm in – but we need a name. I propose we call ourselves the Doom Crew. Or maybe the Masters of Disaster.

#17: Loki Fire-Eyes
Reply to #13 Master Thinker
'Tis a matter of conflicting philosophies. Both Baldur and I spend enormous amounts of time in the mortal realms, and we have experienced the growth of humanity and come up with different perspectives. Having exhausted the possibilities of reasoned debate, I find that killing him makes me feel better about the universe. Also, it irks me that he's constantly happy... even after all he's seen, and after all the times he's been killed. I'm just trying to wipe that stupid smile off his face, really.

#18: Starburst
Abilities: Absorbs and directs stellar energy, alien physiology
Known For: Destroying HXMM1079, Alien Invasion '07
I have fought beside and against all of you – but this could very well be the greatest gathering of so-called villains the universe has ever seen. I, too, shall throw my might and my legions into the fray, if you'll have me. And I humbly submit that our grouping be known as the Bringers of the End – or, less dramatically, as The New Order.

#19: Mister Impossible
Enough talk. The League of Doom will meet soon to discuss our plans (the name is non-negotiable). And this time, the heroes will fall before our might. This time...the world will be ours!

[This comment thread has been closed. All those who still wish to leave the League of Doom may contact Mister Impossible via his regular email address. If you don't have it, you're not welcome. Except you, Dark Empress. You know where to find me.]