Being a henchman (or henchwench, naturally) is not an easy calling.
You’re the first line of defense (and offense, for that matter) for a supervillain (or alien intelligence, eldritch entity, force of nature, etc.) with big plans - the one who has to throw the switch on the Doomsday Machine, who has to take care of the clone vat, who has to make sure all the riddles make sense and the deathtraps have been placed just right...and who’ll be the first to taste the flailing fists (feet, fangs, frangdingles) of righteous and wrathful superheroes.
It’s a hard life, and it’s not for the unprepared.
That’s why you need the kind of education that allows you to operate in any environment, from anti-matter asteroids to underwater volcano lairs to Wall Street. You need the kind of training that will help you lead an alien army, to deal with being accidentally endowed with superpowers, to trade witty banter with snarky supers...and to take advantage of any distraction to slip away to fight another day.
You need the kind of education that only Hiram Exxon’s Nice and Correct Henching University can provide.
At HENCH-U, we believe in nurturing potential. We teach discipline, creativity, understanding and, above all, loyalty. We believe that villains should put the cause first, whether that’s world domination or bank robbery (or banking, for that matter). Our motto is simple: Power, Loyalty & Fraternity, Until The End Of The World (And Beyond). After all, only together can we remake the cosmos in our image...
At HENCH-U, we provide the kind of education you’ve never even dreamed of. Learn swordplay from a swordmistress who killed all the competition in duels. Take horseriding from an immortal who henched for Genghis Khan himself. Compete in mathletics with the best and brightest from 17 worlds. Learn what physics is like two universes over. Learn the one-Planck-length punch from the guy who taught the guy who taught Bruce Lee. Unify magical and physical theory and build a universe in your spare time, under the guidance of the Eldest Nameless.
Be the best that you can be - and then be better together...and change the world.
But that’s just what any evil moneymaking organization would say, isn’t it? Well, don’t take our word for it. Just check out these testimonials from some of the top industry experts…
MISTER IMPOSSIBLE, EVIL GENIUS EXTRAORDINAIRE: Impossible’s schemes are far beyond those of the common supervillain...and so are Impossible’s henching needs. When I’m looking for goons or cannon fodder or just warm bodies to feed to the Beasts of Outer Darkness, I’m happy to recruit from the trash you find at Harvard or MIT. But when it comes to trusted confidants and fellow schemers and muscle that really knows how to take (and give) a punch, there’s no better bet than a HENCH-U alum. Thus swears Mister Impossible!
CRACKLE, ELECTRIC VILLAIN-TURNED-HERO: You can always tell when you’re facing a henchguy (or henchgal) who’s trained at HENCH-U...they’re just more professional, more witty, more focused, more able to cope with whatever we heroes throw at them, whether trickery or fists. It’s actually seriously annoying, you know? But hey, gotta give credit where credit is due, right?
MARIA X, LEGENDARY HENCHWENCH: I’ve done the henching thing for a looong time. I’ve worked with the best - slung future tech for Deja Vu, mixed potions for Witchy Woman, punched out cops for Captain Quizzler, had some good times with Rent-A-Crowd. I’ve travelled the world (more than one, actually), met interesting people (including aliens, monsters, gods and weirder), helped accomplish great deeds...and so far, I’ve managed to avoid jailtime altogether. And it’s all thanks to what I learned at HENCH-U - thanks, henchfolks!
Sooo...Interested?
Want to see if you’ve got what it takes to learn from the best, run with the wolves (sometimes literally), swim with the sharks (ditto), and adventure on the funner side of the law? Apply today!*
*No, we won’t tell you how - duh. And yes, we’ll probably have to get rid of you permanently if you manage to track us down and your application is rejected. But hey, take a chance. Live a little!
You’re the first line of defense (and offense, for that matter) for a supervillain (or alien intelligence, eldritch entity, force of nature, etc.) with big plans - the one who has to throw the switch on the Doomsday Machine, who has to take care of the clone vat, who has to make sure all the riddles make sense and the deathtraps have been placed just right...and who’ll be the first to taste the flailing fists (feet, fangs, frangdingles) of righteous and wrathful superheroes.
It’s a hard life, and it’s not for the unprepared.
That’s why you need the kind of education that allows you to operate in any environment, from anti-matter asteroids to underwater volcano lairs to Wall Street. You need the kind of training that will help you lead an alien army, to deal with being accidentally endowed with superpowers, to trade witty banter with snarky supers...and to take advantage of any distraction to slip away to fight another day.
You need the kind of education that only Hiram Exxon’s Nice and Correct Henching University can provide.
At HENCH-U, we believe in nurturing potential. We teach discipline, creativity, understanding and, above all, loyalty. We believe that villains should put the cause first, whether that’s world domination or bank robbery (or banking, for that matter). Our motto is simple: Power, Loyalty & Fraternity, Until The End Of The World (And Beyond). After all, only together can we remake the cosmos in our image...
At HENCH-U, we provide the kind of education you’ve never even dreamed of. Learn swordplay from a swordmistress who killed all the competition in duels. Take horseriding from an immortal who henched for Genghis Khan himself. Compete in mathletics with the best and brightest from 17 worlds. Learn what physics is like two universes over. Learn the one-Planck-length punch from the guy who taught the guy who taught Bruce Lee. Unify magical and physical theory and build a universe in your spare time, under the guidance of the Eldest Nameless.
Be the best that you can be - and then be better together...and change the world.
But that’s just what any evil moneymaking organization would say, isn’t it? Well, don’t take our word for it. Just check out these testimonials from some of the top industry experts…
MISTER IMPOSSIBLE, EVIL GENIUS EXTRAORDINAIRE: Impossible’s schemes are far beyond those of the common supervillain...and so are Impossible’s henching needs. When I’m looking for goons or cannon fodder or just warm bodies to feed to the Beasts of Outer Darkness, I’m happy to recruit from the trash you find at Harvard or MIT. But when it comes to trusted confidants and fellow schemers and muscle that really knows how to take (and give) a punch, there’s no better bet than a HENCH-U alum. Thus swears Mister Impossible!
CRACKLE, ELECTRIC VILLAIN-TURNED-HERO: You can always tell when you’re facing a henchguy (or henchgal) who’s trained at HENCH-U...they’re just more professional, more witty, more focused, more able to cope with whatever we heroes throw at them, whether trickery or fists. It’s actually seriously annoying, you know? But hey, gotta give credit where credit is due, right?
MARIA X, LEGENDARY HENCHWENCH: I’ve done the henching thing for a looong time. I’ve worked with the best - slung future tech for Deja Vu, mixed potions for Witchy Woman, punched out cops for Captain Quizzler, had some good times with Rent-A-Crowd. I’ve travelled the world (more than one, actually), met interesting people (including aliens, monsters, gods and weirder), helped accomplish great deeds...and so far, I’ve managed to avoid jailtime altogether. And it’s all thanks to what I learned at HENCH-U - thanks, henchfolks!
Sooo...Interested?
Want to see if you’ve got what it takes to learn from the best, run with the wolves (sometimes literally), swim with the sharks (ditto), and adventure on the funner side of the law? Apply today!*
*No, we won’t tell you how - duh. And yes, we’ll probably have to get rid of you permanently if you manage to track us down and your application is rejected. But hey, take a chance. Live a little!
