I slowly awoke from my slumber. I heard the steady drone of a fan. I remembered the shadow of a dream as reality spread before my senses. I had been frightened and running, but I couldn't remember anything specific just a feeling of desperation.

I began to notice my surroundings. I didn't know where I was. I didn't feel Billy curled up next to me. I wasn't even in my own bed. Memories sluggishly filled the void of my consciousness and I remembered everything.

I had returned home and interrupted Billy’s sexual tryst. I had left and wandered aimlessly until my friend Susan picked me up and dropped me off at the only place I felt I could go. I was emotionally distressed and unsure what to do. I went to the one person that always took care of me when my world fell apart. I went to Doug, my ex-husband.

I sat up and opened my eyes. I was in our old guestroom on the ground floor. I realized two things then; I was, except for my shoes, still in my clothes from yesterday and my head hurt. I put my legs off the side of the bed and felt the steady throbbing pain in my temples. I got up and walked to the full length mirror.

I was a mess and I felt worse than I looked.

My mascara had run down my cheeks from yesterday’s crying. My lipstick was smudged to one side of my mouth and my base was a disaster. My hands hurt. I looked and saw my knuckles were cut and blood had scabbed on them. I had broken a nail and I couldn't remember when I had broken it. My clothes were crumpled and wrinkled like I had been sleeping in them. I had been, duh!

I needed to clean up, get some fresh clothes on, and take something to stop the banging in my head. Or maybe I just needed to die.

My life was in tatters; ruined and shred to tiny pieces. What was I going to do?

I turned when I heard the knock on the door.

“Tonya, are you up?”

“Yes Doug, come in.” I replied.

He carried a steaming cup and I caught a whiff of its aroma. He had fixed me my favorite, a cup Lavender Lady Grey tea.

Doug handed me the cup and saucer as he said, “After yesterday, I thought you might like a cup.”

I took a sip and allowed myself to linger on the wonderful taste and intoxicating aroma. The scent of Lavender infused me and I started to feel a little more human. I took another sip and the elixir flowed down my throat. I was feeling better, but my head was still throbbing.

“Thank you Douglas, you have been so much more than kind. I expected you to kick me off you porch yesterday.” I said.

“Tonya we shared many years of friendship and love. We had a lot of good times together. I couldn't kick you out when you so obviously needed a little help. It would have felt so wrong to ignore all of our history just because it ended badly.”

Why was he being so nice? He wasn't smiling or cheery, but he seemed so serene. I guess he was at peace with the world.

I was not.

I wanted him to say ‘I told you so’ or some remark meant to hurt me. He shouldn't be so kind to me. He should have thrown me out and laughed with glee at my plight, but he was quiet, unassuming, and had made me my favorite tea.

“Are you hungry? I can fix you some breakfast, if you feel up to it.” He said.

“No thanks, I couldn't eat anything. I would like something for a headache and a chance to clean up.” I replied

Doug gave me a small smile and said, “Go have a shower. There is a bottle of Tylenol in the medicine cabinet over the sink. I’ll bring you some clean towels and something you can wear.”

He took my empty cup and left.

I walked across the hallway to the guest bath. It had an opaque glass shower stall, toilet and sink.

Above the sink was the mirrored medicine cabinet where I found some Tylenol for my head. Above the toilet was a shelf covered in various toiletries and bottles. Next to the shelf, hanging from the ceiling, was a metallic pot with ivy growing from it.

In the mirror, I saw the same wretched creature I had seen in the bedroom. She looked traumatized, tormented and defeated. She was pitiful.

I peeled my clothes off and turned on the water to let it get hot. I stepped into the shower, the water was hot and steam started filled the air. I love a hot shower.

I lathered up with body soap and scrubbed. I felt dirty and I wanted to feel fresh and clean again. I checked my hands. They were only scratched-up and didn't even need to be bandaged. I rinsed off the remnants of the soap and just stood and enjoyed the hot water peppering my skin.

What am I going to do? I only have a couple of hundred dollars in the bank. I can’t go back to his rental. That’s strange. I had always thought of it as his house, not our house. It was our bedroom, our kitchen, our TV, but his house.

Doug knocked on the bathroom door and said, “May I come in Kitten?”

“Sure.”

He opened the door and said as he entered, “I’ll put the towels on the toilet and I’m hanging a robe on the back of the door for you. Do you need anything else?”

I needed to have my life fixed, or maybe just my head. I needed yesterday to be a bad dream, but it wasn't. It was a nightmare and all too true. He can’t help me, no one can. Everything had gone awry. My world has crumbled and there is nothing I can do. I've got nowhere to go and no one I can trust, except maybe I can trust Doug.

No, Doug must hate me too, how could he not?

I replied, “No thanks. Please lock the door on your way out.”

He finished his task and left as quickly as he had entered.

I washed my hair and then turned off the shower. I dried off and wrapped my hair in a small towel. I put on the robe Doug had left. It was a dark blue full length short sleeve robe. It was terrycloth, very warm and soft. I slid the shower door closed and sat on the toilet seat. I wasn't ready for any of this. I didn't deserve to have my life ripped apart and destroyed like this.

I sat and I thought. How could Billy have done this to me? I thought we were in love. Maybe he was drunk and that woman was taking advantage of him? Oh my god, how desperate am I to think of such a lame excuse? He did this!

My cellphone went off in my pants pocket. It was ‘his’ ringtone. I was scared to answer it. What would I say? Hell, what would he say?

I let it ring.

Two minutes later he called again. I didn't want to answer, but if I didn't I would feel as though I was running away. I needed to know and I deserved to know what was going on.

I pulled my cell from my pants pocket and answered, “Billy?”

“Hi honey. You didn't come home last night. I was worried. Are you OK?” he said.

He sounded normal. He didn't sound very worried and Billy certainly didn't sound sorry or guilty. Had he cried himself to sleep last night? I don’t think he had. Listening to his voice, it was hard to believe that less than 24 hours ago he had destroyed my life. Had I imagined it all?

No, it was all too real!

I yelled into the phone. “Of course I didn't come home. I caught you with that… that… woman! You were cheating on me, you bastard!”

“You can’t be serious. That wasn't anything, just a little fun.”

“Fun!” I screamed. “You weren't watching a movie or playing cribbage. You were having sex.”

“Hold on Tonya, it’s only sex. It didn't mean anything. I love you, not her. She’s nothing to me!” Billy replied.

“You betrayed me, you worthless…. two-timing…. piece of shit!”

He was silent for a moment. I felt tears rolled down my cheeks. My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my chest. It was getting hard to breathe without wailing out in despair. I heard Doug coming down the stairs as he called my name.

Billy’s voice was lower, trying to contain his anger as he said, “Tonya, I never said we would be exclusive. That’s not me and you know it. I never pretended that I was anything but myself. I’m a player, always have been and always will be. I’m not a one woman man, I thought you understood that.”

How could he say that? We are engaged to be married.

“We are promised to each other. We are going to be married. I would never cheat on you. I love you!” I ranted as tears poured from my eyes.

Doug was at the door and I heard him call my name.

“Tonya”

It just didn't seem to register. I was focused on Billy. How could Billy do this to me?

Then Billy said something that I could not believe he said. Nothing hurts worse than the truth and no one knows what truth will hurt better than someone you love.

He said, with the words dripping spite, “Is that the same promise you made to Dougie-boy? How did that work out? Oh, that’s right; you cheated on him with me. That’s how our relationship started. We have always been about the fun and excitement. We had loads of fun and good times. We went to exotic places and did exciting things. Don’t forget the sex, it was fantastic!”

For a moment I was still. My head was empty except for the building rage. Rage and anger filled me.

I hated everything.

I hated Billy!

I hated myself.

All thought and reason left me.

All I had was the hatred.

I exploded.

I screamed into the phone, “Go to hell!”

I smashed the phone onto the side of the porcelain sink until pieces started falling off.

Doug banged on the door. I heard him calling, but I wasn't really there.

I yelled, “Shut up and leave me alone!”

Then there was silence.

“Tonya, I’m here Kitten. Are you OK?” He said into the quietness that filled the air.

It wasn't quiet inside my head. My head was pounding again. My head was full of static, like white noise. Everything slowed down to my perception. Everything felt and sounded as if I were insulated in thick invisible layers of cotton. The world was distant and muffed.

I was so filled with the potential for violence; and then potential became actual.

I savagely swept the items off the selves. Things flew across the small room smashing against the wall. I heard the door rattle loudly.

Doug yelled, “What’s going on? Let me in. Let me help.”

“Leave me alone!” I shrieked.

I grabbed the ivy filled metal pot, hanging from the ceiling, and jerked it. I ripped the screws loose from the ceiling; plaster fell from a hole it left.

I slammed the pot into the glass shower door with all my might. The shower door shattered and the upper third of the glass fell across my right arm that was now sticking through the glass door. The sheet of broken glass cut into my arm. The larger shards sliced deeply into my flesh. I went to my knees and felt my arm torn open; and then I only felt a dull pain that seemed to numb my whole arm.

The bathroom door burst open as the door jamb splintered. Doug ran into the room and stopped as I turned and held out my right arm toward him.

I looked at my arm. There were at least a half dozen pieces of glass protruding from the flesh of my arm. Blood was pouring from the cuts. I saw a spurt of dark red shoot from my upper wrist from a deep jagged cut.

It spurted again. I knew this was not good, but it didn't look real to me.

“Oh Jesus, what happened?” Doug exclaimed.

He grabbed a towel and held it tightly across the cuts. That is when the pain hit me. I was crying and yelling with agony as he relentlessly tightened his grip on my injuries.

The towel turned red and blood began running down my arms. He couldn't get the bleeding to stop. He grabbed my left hand and pushed it into the bleeding towel.

“Hold this as tight as you can.” He told me.

I tried. The pain was subsiding and a numb tingling began to take over. I was feeling light headed.

Doug grabbed the cloth belt that kept the robe I was wearing closed and pulled it from me. He tore the wooden handle from the suction part of the plunger. He tied the robe’s belt loosely around my upper arm just above my elbow and tied the wooden plunger handle on to the robe's belt. He turned the handle tightening the belt on my arm. It quickly became so tight, that it began to hurt worse than the cuts.

When he couldn't tighten the belt anymore, he pulled his phone out and starting talking. I couldn't understand what he was saying. Everything seemed distant and unimportant. I was tired. I had stopped crying.

The towel I was holding to my arm slipped from my fingers. It was soaked red with my blood. I saw the towel land in a puddle of blood on the floor. I glanced around me as Doug continued to speak into his phone.

There were pill bottles and toiletries strewn across the bathroom floor. Glass filled the shower and pieces of the glass seemed to be everywhere. I was covered in blood, as was Doug and his robe. He would never get all this blood out of this nice robe. I have ruined it.

I looked at Doug and said, “I’m sorry Doug. I've ruined everything.”

He stared at me for only a moment with his eyes wide and mouth agape; then he dropped his phone and grabbed another towel. Dougie put it on my arm and pressed it tightly. My fingernails had a blue tint to the skin around them and my arm was asleep.

I was so tired. At least the pain was fading.

How did this happen? I was having a hard time getting my brain to work.

Dougie was talking to me, but I couldn't seem to hear him. He was saying something about not moving. What did he think I was going to do, run a marathon?

Everything seemed to go fuzzy and then my mind went blank.

. . . . . . . . . .

Two men came into the bathroom. They came over to me and started moving me around and touching me.

I didn't know who they were.

Oh, my robe was open and I was showing a lot of cleavage. I tried to pull my robe closed, but I couldn't get my muscles to work right.

One man strapped my arm to a bed I was on and stuck a needle into my arm and taped it in place.

I don’t remember getting on a bed.

. . . . . . . . . .

I was looking up at the clouds as I was moving, but I wasn't walking. How did I get outside? I hope my robe isn't open, which would be so embarrassing. I glanced down at my feet. Good, I was covered by a white sheet. I was being carried on a stretcher. I saw a lot of people standing around looking towards me. I wander why they’re looking at me.

Doug was walking beside me. He is so nice to me. How could I make it without him?

They were putting me in the back of a truck. I saw Doug talking to the man pushing me into the truck. I heard them.

The man said, “I don’t know, it’s pretty bad.”

I saw tears on Doug’s face. He was crying.

Doug is so handsome.

I was tired. I thought I’d take a quick nap. I would only close my eyes for a minute.

. . . . . . . . . .

I didn't feel well.

I was in the truck with one of those men. I heard a siren close-by. I wondered who was hurt. The man was talking to me. What’s he saying?

“Don’t worry; you’re going to be just fine. I have one question.”

“Huh. What did you say?” I mumble.

He replied, “I have one question. It’s very important. What is the name of your medical care insurance provider?”

I just closed my eyes. Maybe he’ll stop talking.

I felt myself drift away to unconsciousness.