I lay there, thinking of what could have and what should have been, if only our world were a bit closer. If only, you could have been straighter. If only I, if only, I was a bit braver.

I lay in my bed wistfully thinking how it would have been nice to get to know you deeper. To get to feel the touch of your skin a little while longer. To look at you in the eye without holding back. To laugh with you. To walk with you, side by side. And to bravely tell you the feelings I've kept for so long.

How I wish I could have the courage to tell you I love you like, how I have the courage to ask you why you liked guys better than girls. How I wish I were a guy and maybe then we could happen. But even if that could be true, it may not be me whom you'd love anyway. How I wish for that one moment where you could see me as someone you can potentially love but even that's too absurd of a dream even to be granted by the Gods. How I want you to look at me in the eye and tell me, you love me back but that won't even be true because I haven't even told you that I am in love with you, yet.

Maybe, I won't ever tell you how much you mean to me. Maybe, I can't. No, I can't. I can't, because I'm scared of the rejection. I'm scared of your response. I'm scared that I might get broken. I'm scared of the things that I do not know. I'm scared that the fairytale I've made for a very long time might end. I'm scared that you might say 'no.' I'm scared because I might lose myself.

And if I, If I lose myself, I might not be able to get it back.

And yes, I'm that silly girl who's head over heels with a guy who apparently loves a guy.
Yes, I am that girl who stands in the corner, watching him watch the firework's marvels in the night sky.
Yes, I am that girl, too scared to tell him how much he means to me even if he won't ever feel the same way.
Yes, I am that girl who had chosen to watch him from afar because from a distance, his brightness won't blind me.
Yes, I am that girl who is attracted to the flaws he tries to hide, the flaws he tries to correct.
And yes, I am that girl.
Too proud to tell its real feelings and too attracted to let go and get a move on.