I know that you have said that everyone lies and that everyone tells little white lies, and I guess I am the same. My name. I’ve told you. That is true. I am who I say I am. I am yours as you’ve asked me to be. But I sit here, thinking of the little white lies and am struggling to find those that I have told you. I look around and see, what appears to be, no trace of the real me. But this I know for certain, I hide behind no curtain. No valance no veil, no blind, and no sail. To you I have shown my every me. I have let you see. And now I sit in regret.

With you I easily forget. The games that people play, the evil that they hide, while pretending to be on my side. I have no fucking side. Just me, on the inside. And oh my god, what could be worse? The contents of my purse? No, not nearly close. I’ve admitted feelings, no matter how gross. I feel sick. I can’t believe I’ve confessed. I am going to be sick.

You do not feel the same, and that is more than okay. How you feel, is not why I stay. But hey, why do you stay? I thought it was because you cared. I thought at least my love would be spared, but I realize I am just another shared illusion. Delusion yet again. Shaking my head, you said we were friends. Oh, how fucking stupid can one girl be? I can’t be sure but with time we shall see.

I trust before I know. I stay while others go. I share, and I grow. When it gets too dark, I let my soul glow. All of this I actually do for you. And maybe you knew my middle name is Sue. Did you? Did you know I have love inside just for you? Do you flash a gruff smile, playing me all the while? I am the pawn you are the brawn. But who is the brain? And who makes it rain when I go insane?

And who is it that lifts me up and carries me to bed? Who whispers goodnight and kisses my head? It is you, I know. But I also know we aren’t alone. I am all alone, but you have others. Those who make you feel whole, while I eat away your soul. I have no control, and there are things I will never be able to take back. It’s too late, so I wait, for another hurtful attack on my heart, on my me. I know this one will be the last. I will go back to being cold, feelings will all be left in the past. You know how much I need you because I’ve told you so many nights. And alas I am alone again, fighting my imaginary fights.

I can’t even hug my friends because their partners so protest. Out of respect, I stay away and wonder will we ever again play? Will another ever hold my hand and simply love me back, without the fear of their lover stabbing me in the back? I guess the answer is no because I sit alone in the snow and watch the stupid snow and every time they fall, I will ignore what I saw, and I will be there again, for every backstabbing friend. And I will still want only one, the one I can never have. The one that doesn’t exist, the one that holds my wrists so I can’t tickle back. The one who pretends to care, the one who I do love back.

And so this holiday season, I have yet another reason, to doubt, and forget what I am about. To be what they want, to put my smile out front. To sprinkle glitter on their feet, to wave and nod to greet, and blink blindly at deceit. This madness goes on and on. It spins round and round, and even when I’m pushed, I find comfort on the ground. Away from the lies. I cuddle where I lie. While other sneak and spy, I cry but not a tear leaves my eye. I will never know why.