Here I am again thinking of you, and I fear the worst my friend. I push, and I push so no one will stay. I often forget you never go away. It is a struggle, but that’s not my fear. I lay here in agony, and now there are tears. I want never to cause you pain. I am insane. They say love makes us do crazy things, and maybe it does. I have always been lazy, so I don’t do crazy things, but I think them. I think the worst things that someone could think of me. What is that? Self-doubt? Insecurity? Who knows? Not me.

When it comes to my heart, I never know where to start. I feel unworthy of your love. I know it’s silly, but it’s true. I push you away because I love you. I want you to leave, but my heart would break without you. I don’t want to need you, but it’s too late, I already do. I wish I could tell you these things and how I feel, but there are no words because this is beyond real.

We both know it’s your footprints I follow in the snow wanting to be everywhere you go, even if it’s in your shadow. How I long to be in your shadow, so much warmer and real than here. With your arms around me there is no fear. The nights I don’t sleep and when you don’t stay, when I don’t see you, and you are so far away. And when I am lost in the dark and oh so sad, you light the way. You always know what to say, you get silly and make me giggle when you play.

And there are days when you need me, and I can’t be there, and oh how that hurts, those days we can’t share. There are so many things I’d show you if I could. If I wasn’t always lost in the hundred acre wood. Or down the rabbit hole following a dream. And if you must know, you are that dream. And I wander the woods alone and always fall down that hole, losing control, following your soul. And when I cry, I cry for you and cry because you know it’s true. And if you ever doubt my love is real, read this again and feel what I can no longer conceal. My heart belongs to you, even if my mind won’t agree, my heart belongs to you, and I love you completely.

I know life is hard, and we are always on guard even as we sit close and I reach for your hand, you squeeze it tight, and I finally understand. I rarely ever pray, but I do pray you will let me stay. I guess that’s all I have to say, at least that’s all I have to say today.