I'm not saying I'm old as dirt, but the Dead Sea was still alive when I was born. During that time I've seen umpteen number of Olympics Games and have watched the games turn from athletic splendor at its best to a hodge-podge of spandex wearing cereal box models.

It feels like I went to a hockey game and instead of fighting, they do rock-paper-scissors. Of course during prime time they make me watch water polo, bike riding, air pistol competitions and swimming. Really? The stuff I want to watch comes on just before dawn.

When I was a kid, we'd say, "Wanna race?" Then we would jump in the pool and race to the other end. But, noooooooo. Not here. These racers have to go back and forth 16 fricken' times. I got up, made a meatloaf sandwich. Fed the dogs. Took the trash out. Came back in and they still had two laps to go. That's not a race. That's time I will never get back again.

I still can't figure out who comes up with Olympic competitions. It's almost as bad as these bullshit reality shows taking up space on TV now. Who can lose the most fat. Who can dance better. What bachelor can get laid by the most air-headed woman on the face of the earth. Who can make a meal out of granola, gummy bears, and wood siding. Oh yeah, and let's not forget the Kardashians. OMFG.

Seriously? Trampoline is an Olympic event? Cirque Du Soleil is trampoline. These guys are just grab-assing on a neoprene mat. At least make it comical. Make them balance a watermelon on their head and jump naked.

So I'm recommending some new competitions for the 2020 Olympic Games. I know, I know, it only adds to the length of the competitions but what the heck is another month or two.

Competitive lawn mowing. We could have two levels. Push mower and gas events.

Armed Bounce House. We give competitors baseball bats, and trash can lids and make them jump in clown feet until last man standing.

Arc Welding Mailboxes. A lot of creativity here. Extra points for using wrought iron.

Poison Ivy Diving. Naked competitors jump from step ladders into wading pools filled with poison ivy.

Hot Asphalt Barefoot Standing. Two levels here. One foot figure four standing and two foot split standing. All competitors have to stand in a parking lot on hot asphalt while eating green Jello cubes mixed with fruit cocktail. Losers have to detail all the cars in the lot.

Gargle and Spit. Competitors have to gargle chocolate milk and hock loogies at the hot asphalt barefoot standing competitors.

Grape Eating. Simple, right? Competitors have to duct tape raw meat to their bodies, put on mittens, then they get tossed into a cage of cheetahs with a gallon sized freezer bag of grapes.

Now, I would watch any one of those contests. But I will never watch trampoline. Unless, they go with the watermelon thingy.