I usually appreciate the winter solstice, because I love the mysterious chilly nights and the warm lights that stave it off from inside houses. Warm glasses of tea while gazing into the dark sky by the fire reflecting on life and love and blessings. But this year has been so difficult for so many reasons that I am carrying too much darkness, and the early nights are gut-wrenching. How can one feel loved and still feel alone? A love pinning for. And a connection left unfulfilled. Each evening gnaws at my emotions like a demon, and all I want to do is sleep and bring back the light of a new day which seems so far away. And today I felt so black inside, and it got worse through the day as I fought off tears which refused to be contained. I tried to chase the feeling away but I could not. But I am not yet ready to succumb to it. This limitless darkness is mine alone, and it waits impatiently to consume me. I loathe it, and I feel it aching in my bones. There is renewal in the dark. This I know from too many times of experience. The light cannot exist without it. And I'm so very tired of being afraid of dark shadows.