In that other universe, we are the lucky ones. In that other universe, we have finally made it.

In that other universe, we never experienced what we experienced here. Life never weathered or hardened us the way it did, it never dug into the depths of our souls, it never perforated our hearts. In that other universe, we didn’t associate love with leaving. In that other universe, we always felt good enough. We always felt worthy. We felt perfect.

In that other universe, we didn’t have any questions. There were no "whys". We didn’t have any other choices to make, or other's options to contemplate. In that other universe, there were no doubts, we never worried about the statistics or the odds. We didn’t have to worry about regretting the way we chose to let our young hearts love, we didn’t worry about letting our young hearts take risks.

But I try not to think about that universe, I try not to think about the “what ifs". I try not to think about the depth of feeling at the end of all of this life. I try not to think about the potential that hangs within all thought, or the capacity for us to meet again when we are all ready. I try not to think about those possibilities, because right now I am living in a universe where love seemed not to be enough. Where love doesn’t win, or triumph, or come out on top.

Right now, I am here — feeling alone, and in this universe I am trying to teach my heart to be okay with that. Right now, I am trying to learn that it is okay to stop struggling with guilt. To take down my defences and to let things just be what they will be. That it will be okay, it is okay.

Maybe in another time, in another universe, we are in our right place and we’re showing each other new things and I burn the toast we are making for breakfast, but we are happy. We are at peace and pleased to be just that. We are content and that is all we need.

But not here. Not in this universe, this universe is different, bewildering and full of "whys?" So many unanswered "whys", it can be so confusing.

Maybe in another time, in another universe, things will be perfectly clear. We will be the lucky ones. We will have made it and just be happy and content to be who we are. There will be no more "whys". We will finally be free.