Lost in the void of what has been destroyed by those who have toyed with my mind, my soul, this big gaping hole. It seems it’s time again to take control. Rebuild the wall, deadbolt the door. Stop being so trusting or you will never be whole. Dammit! Shut up you in there, you with the cranberry brown hair and the awful cold stare! Go back to sleep and keep your words and herd your sheep. Today, I will not weep. Today, I will not weep.

Even as I write these swirling thoughts and notions, I know my heart is being filled with fabricated emotions. Emotions. Such a silly little word that makes so many disturbed because they don’t know the truth. Your feelings come from thoughts, which rarely seek proof. You can not feel without thinking it first. Some say knowledge is power but I say knowledge hurts. I am a realist and I am often told that when I grow old, I will die alone and never be allowed to buy back what I’ve sold. I realize nothing can be taken from me if I’ve not already set those things free. I see what I want to see. Reality. The you. The me.

I have so many voices that scream from inside. They tell me to go and hide, to cower and watch as others enjoy the ride. My fear is always bashing my pride. Oh shit. Keep that inside! If you bite your tongue you cannot lie. Wear sunglasses too, so they can’t look you in the eye. Too bad I don’t trust those voices and set all these thoughts aside. When I see you. When I feel you. Yes you. You know it is true and even though I can’t explain it I know it is real too. You built that nest inside my heart so many moons ago and when you left you may have thought me to be completely shallow. Not so. Not at all. Until you I never knew I had a gaping hole in that wall that you instantly saw and jumped in through.

So that’s how it is now that we no longer exist. Your room is still there and although the door is not completely closed, it is also not for rent. It doesn’t matter where you are. It doesn’t matter where you went. That room you built inside my heart will never be for rent. There is no need for sorry or even an explanation. You see my lovely love, I have come to the realization that I only know half the story and I know that half ain’t exactly right. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never know what you were thinking that night. I’ll never know what you were feeling when you vanished out of sight. And it’s alright because I know we are all fighting our own fight and often lose sight of what is wrong and what is right, but I won’t cry tonight. I will not cry tonight.