Wondering if you would still know my name or who I was if I saw you in Heaven? I know I don’t belong there and I need to continue to honour that promise you had me make all those years ago, and be strong like you asked and to continue on in whatever I find myself undertaking. I know there is no more pain or tears there in Heaven, and would you still be the same person I knew before both of you ran out of summers in ’92 and ‘94? I guess in a roundabout way I am thanking you both for being both a friend and having a good heart, after having travelled down that road and taken that journey to that undiscovered country from who’s bourn no traveler returns.
Time is able to break all down and have us beg and plead with Death the sister of Morpheus when our time is called and it should be the other way around as the dreaming can be more terrible than what Death may have to offer. Beyond the door to that undiscovered country there is definitely peace from all things, and still I wonder if you could see me now? I still wish I could show you these pages I have penned, and still carry with me the support you gave me when I started, and it has me wondering if you would hang your head in shame or have both of you taking a bow for my taking everything from love to rage and placing it on the page just like you told me to?
Still there are those days when I feel as if I am losing my faith and I know I need to stay calm, and still I wonder if I would be recognized if both of you could see me now? Would you both critique all or would you both pat me on the back? Or reach out and touch all the lines of my face and see those scars I carry with me, or would you call me; a saint or a sinner, loser or quitter, or a winner? Or will I stay in your hearts and eyes forever young? I know as I continue on down the line that both of you are still with me no matter if I win or lose. These are now the hard fought years and some have been the darkest years and the fallen years that shall not be forgotten, and sometimes I wonder how many years and dreams remain as the calm can sometimes be found and breathed.
Sometimes the beat can be felt deep inside and that’s when the pressure is on and I know I can feel it but like both of you taught me to pay it no mind even when caught up in the action. Even when I went into the shadows on the darker side and was given a choice of either walking out or being broken when the flames seemed to be burning high, and I shrugged off as much as I could just like those words of praise I pay no mind to as I follow what you both passed down as a form of following the Tao. I know that I am still somewhat a hostage to those to those things my father pushed me toward, and I took your advice to become an individual. After all the quarrels that were opened for not seeing eye to eye and sacrificed the future as the present and the past squared off.
I wasn’t there when they took you away in ’92, and never got the chance to say all those things I needed and had to say, and it still plagues me to this day. It still has me wondering all these years and at times wondering if it is too late just like those late goodbyes. Wounded deep in battle I still stood on file and in ’94 I came for you after finding you stretched out on the floor, and I did all I did without being asked and never asked you to fight my wars, nor did I ever want your money I fought for you and without hesitation or thought I knew which connections were the first to be cut. I stood up when I was called out and stunned them all by having had every kick and blow ever having been received to be turned into power though there were times then when I felt I needed lawyers, guns, and money.
Nothing lasts forever but I will carry you both with me from the ends of your lives to the end of mine and take you with me and still time and life don’t meet. I know there are times when I feel I don’t need this life and just need someone to die for, with there still being times out here as I make my way down the line when I don’t seem to know where I am going or what I need but, though the tar might be warm beneath my feet with no one around who cares. I will get to where I’m going and that’s all-right by me, and be free to do what needs to be done. For nothing is truly everything.
Copyright: Timberwolf International LTD. January 2017 – 04
