I am not who most think I am and I am not a traitor to those and those things I believe in, and I know there are worse things than death and carry my mistakes as I try to hide all of my regrets. I have dropped my guard rarely, and it is time to make peace with that one essential truth feeling now a days as if I am on the run. These might be the thoughts you and I both have that may be the thoughts torturing us through our dreams, and especially those things we are not proud of, and it’s something we carry wherever we go, and it sometimes shows in whatever we do. And, sometimes surviving can be its own death sentence and sooner or later the day comes when we must pay for those things we have done in life and sometimes lost is where we need to be.
We all seem to be stuck with the things we aren’t proud of, and it seems like it also cripples our souls, as we have thought at the time it was the right thing to do. There are times when I wish I were not out moving to where the Tao directs as it feels at times like a nightmare as I make my way down the line. The way is not easy usually, and I have no wish to play God, with there being times I have washed my hands of some I have known over the years. I know we are all on our own with times being like a curse and sometimes a blessing (though it might be a blessing in disguise). Which has me recall that at a meeting once in what seems like a century ago about anger being a wasted emotion and will destroy all. When in fact, anger can and will keep you alive, with fear being what kills all.
For fear is the mind killer, the little death that brings total obliteration, and I will turn and face my fear to allow it to wash over and through me. When it has gone, past I will follow its path and where it has gone I will see nothing, only I will remain. I am thinking that the only thing I fear now is just being forgotten, and if I touched anyone's live’ like they have mine. Sometimes I seem to hear the ticking of that false clock as it tries to distract me and feel as if my time is finally running out. There are those I have left behind just so that I could go on, with the one truth of all going in cycles being that all has happened before and will happen again in most cases.
I have been making my way down the line wondering if God will forgive me and give me redemption, though the only thing wanted is the truth and answers as to why life in a lot of cases have been hard. I know fear well, and for that reason, I keep my anger close and at times just under the surface. It is also said that you only live twice; once when you are born, and the other is when you have faced death and walked away, which is something I have had happen. Been told more than once I have no direction along with other words of praise but, because I might not seem to have a direction doesn’t mean that I don’t have one. As I continue on down the road and know there will be a day when all will have to be answered for.
I seem to have suffered and struggled for so long, and sometimes I think it’s all I really have, and feeling like I am sitting on a barbed wire fence when those thoughts come forth. Still, I know I will live cause I ain’t afraid to die or crash for not trying, and keeping my faith for those bad times along with what I call my anthem. Not needing anyone to tell me how it feels for I have found out plenty on my own, as well as having been to the edge and back again and knowing the reason why. I have heard them say that the devil is in the details, and I know exactly what they mean with these being strange times that have found me as I seem to be the ghost in the machine walking in the wastelands.
Some wounds never heal, and I know I won’t be growing old gracefully and will probably go down when it is too late. It seems like many a case was a lost cause with scorched earth all around and still, I stood my ground whether it was right or wrong. Still, I would rather bend than break as I have done once as do quite a few I know as well as those who have also been through those complicated shadows that have the power to break iron and bend steel.
Still, it’s probably me who will be your only friend with a solitary voice to come to your defense with there being times when it’s not easy with the question coming up from some to just go our own ways. But, that’s not the way the law works and why it is one of the few sacred things left though the world’s gone crazy.
Copyright: Timberwolf International LTD. April 2017 – 25
