Copyright: oomph 2011

I say clothes are an unnecessary inconvenience. But my Mum says they’re necessary and not an inconvenience. She makes me wear them. She always makes me wear them. And because I’ve always had to, I’ve tried to make it easier. It’s been difficult.

First, I tried doing without shoes and socks. But my Mum always saw that I didn’t have them on and would tell me to put them on “Right now!” I thought, if I just put my shoes on it would pass her test. But she always saw I didn’t have any socks on and I’d be told to put my socks on “Right now!” too. Then I thought if I just wore socks it would be acceptable. But I was wrong. I was told about my socks wearing out and to get my shoes on “Right now!”

I didn’t give up though. In the shed I found some old black paint and with a brush I painted my socks to make it look like I had shoes on. My Mum noticed that too and there was big trouble. She was really angry, told me to give them to her and then go and put on some shoes and socks. I had a big problem taking them off. The paint had stuck them to my skin. When I took them off I took off a lot of skin too.

When my Mum saw all the blood she was even angrier than before. She seemed pleased though to put the antiseptic on. It stung terribly and I couldn’t keep still while she was putting it on. She chased my feet around with a cotton wool ball in one hand and a bottle of antiseptic in the other until all the blood was cleaned up saying,

“Serves you right!” the whole time.

Next I tried doing without underpants. That failed because my Mum noticed that she wasn’t washing any. Then I tried putting clean ones in the wash without having worn them. But my Mum noticed that I wasn’t putting enough in the wash and she also saw that the ones in the dirty clothes basket were still neatly folded. She wasn’t very happy.

I tried wearing them for an hour or so and then put them in the wash. I don’t know how she found out, but she did, and she wasn’t pleased. Then I tried wearing seven pairs of underpants at once for a whole day, and for the rest of the week I wore none. That way, my Mum would find the right number every week when she washed. But my Mum is very clever and wasn’t happy. Someone must have told her. I had to wear them, all day, every day. That didn’t stop me thinking of ways to make it easier though.

I tried using safety pins to pin my undies to my long pants so I could put both on at once and save time. But my Mum heard the safety pins hitting the sides of the washing machine and called a repair man. Very expensive and embarrassing she said. I wasn’t at all popular and didn’t want that to happen again. With some heavy duty string I sewed my undies into my long pants and thought I’d at last succeeded. But when my Mum did the ironing she made the discovery and that made my life miserable for some time.

After lots of serious thinking I decided to tell my Mum that I was more than happy to do my own washing and ironing. She too was very pleased with the idea. I figured it all out. I hung the clothes on the clothes line. Then I gave them a squirt with the hose. When they were dry I put them under the mattress of my bed to get rid of the wrinkles. After one night the wrinkles had gone enough to be able to wear them. I was very pleased with myself and decided that I could do more to improve things.

Inside my long pants, like before, with heavy duty string I sewed my underpants. Then inside each leg of my long pants, with heavy duty string I sewed a sock, and with heavy duty string I sewed my socks inside my shoes. Now, instead of putting on six bits of clothing I could put on all six as though they were one. That’s great time saving.

Next I got an old basketball ring and nailed it to the foot of the bed. I used this to put my pants on. They were arranged around the basketball ring so that I only had to jump off my bed into the basketball ring and I’d have my long pants, underpants, socks and shoes on all at once. When I went to bed that night I was excited about my invention and couldn’t sleep. It took ages for morning to come.

I must have fallen asleep because the alarm clock started to ring, it woke me, and I hit the button to silence it. Then I stood up on the bed. I looked at the basketball ring and jumped. But one foot tangled in the quilt, my legs weren’t together enough and I was falling. I landed, the nails which held the basketball ring to the bed were strong enough. Unfortunately, one leg was inside the ring, one leg was outside the ring and between them was pain, terrible agony.

I’d squashed my tonsils. And I bit my tongue. I could have died because I was sure my heart and stomach were in my mouth and I could have bitten them too!

Lucky I didn’t say anything, lucky no one heard anything. It took a long time to get dressed. I couldn’t put everything on at once. So I picked all my sewing apart and put everything on one by one. The pain was terrible but I kept very quiet. It took ages to get to breakfast. I couldn’t walk very well. In fact, it took a few days before I could walk properly. It took even longer for my tonsils to be normal again, they were black for ages.

Now, when I hear of other kids going to have their tonsils out I feel very sorry for them. I know what it’s like when they hurt. I don’t want them to hurt again. I’ve taken the basketball ring off the bed. It’s gone to the dump now and I hope I don’t see it ever again. I still don’t like wearing clothes but I dress like everyone else now. I don’t want to get tonsillitis again.