It seems I have two weaknesses in this world. Well, three if you count Stephen Colbert, but my two main weaknesses seem to be underwear and makeup. Every single time I visit the local Plaza, or indeed the bigger Mall in the next town over, I find myself drifting towards the makeup counters and striking up conversations with the men and women who work there, about makeup. Asking questions to which I most likely already know the answer to, as I asked the other person the week before when I visited, but I just want to compare notes with different people and then mentally tell them they are wrong and that I indeed know more than them about makeup even though my job is not makeup, which sometimes I wish it was.
Similar in style to my 'Open Letters to my underwear' piece which is on another site, this hopefully humourous piece will chronicle the different types of makeup I have and my relationships with them. I will not do each individual item of makeup and beauty products I have; I will group them. I will also not mention brands of makeup.
Dear foundation - I don't wear a lot of you, especially in the summer as doing anything can cause very attractive sweat streak marks down my face, but I do love you, especially the new foundation I found last week, which is actually light enough for my skin *shock horror* as I can have the problem of finding face creams and foundations that say 'light' or 'fair' and they are too dark for me, but this new foundation is fair skin perfection.
Dear concealer - I love you. My usual weekday makeup routine is to clean my face and then apply concealer and powder and go. No foundation. I love my concealer. To the one concealer, I found for cheap, which I now realise is why I have issues, you call yourself 'full coverage' don't lie to me. I see your game, and people can see all my skin flaws. To the other concealer that I love. I think I have abandonment issues because of you. I have had you for a shockingly long time but, like Rick Astley said, I am never going to give you up. You are empty, you and I both know that, but I don't want to get rid of you. If I could find you again at the makeup counters and beauty stands, then I would throw you away and buy a new one, but I cannot find your exact brand and match again which is why I cannot let go. I had to cut your tube in half last week and start scraping you off the sides. I don't want you to go, little concealer. Stay with me, please.
Dear powder - I like using you, apart from when you get all over my shirts and tops after using you, and then I have weird powder smudge marks on my clothing from where I have tried to brush you off. Loose powder, not a fan of you. You get everywhere, and I was messy with makeup already, but you make an even bigger makeup mess. Press powder, I love you, let's be friends forever. Well at least for the next 20 or so years, until I start to get wrinkles and can't use you anymore. But for now, I am your number one fan.
Dear blush - We have had a strained relationship, to say the least. From the times when I was not using enough of you, and I looked like a ghost to the other end of the spectrum when I was using too much, and I looked like the younger sister of the Kool-Aid man. Oh yeah? I hear you thinking? Unfortunately, it was an oh yeah moment. Or moments as there was more than once I went out looking like that.
Dear Bronzer - Too much of you and I look like a certain presidential candidate who thinks it is okay to get grabby with women because he's famous. Enough said.
Dear eyebrow pencils, powders and gels - My natural brows are thick and dark (haters gonna hate) so there isn't a lot I need to do with them, but I like using you, especially pencil to redefine my brows, especially when I am getting closer to an eyebrow waxing, and they look like two hairy caterpillars on my face. Brow powder, I love you also, you are soft and subtle, and I like the effect you give. Brow gel, well we don't have a good relationship. You are a tad too dark for me, and if I use you, then I look like Virgil the Thunderbird puppet. Not cool.
Dear eyeshadows - I have so many of you. From powders to cream based eyeshadows, glitters, metallics, pearly shades, matte finishes and sparkly three-dimensional holographic ones (holosexuals, say what!) There have been times in the past when I had gone overboard with eyeshadow and looked like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, and I apologise to anyone who had to look at me on those days. I especially love the earth tone shades of eyeshadow as you make my green eyes really pop. But when I am feeling extra sparkly I love using purples and golds, again you make my green eyes looking amazing.
Dear eyeliners - Thank you for being so good to me over the years. We went through a rough patch a while back when I was in my 'let's look like a raccoon' phase, but now, like blush, I know how to use you. I love liquid eyeliner the most, especially the purple glitter liquid liner I purchased last month, although it is slightly bittersweet for me, as your brand is being discontinued so I will not be able to find you anymore, but I am glad I did find you and purchased you for super cheap. Pencil liners, thank you for being so cool and smudgy, especially when I want to pull off a smokey eye look.
Dear highlighters - I have not fully mastered you yet. I am new to your people's customs and ways, but I am learning, and so far I like what I have found, even if the first few times I used you, you could land a plane on my face.
Dear lipliners - I love you, plain and simple. Thank you for your service.
Dear lipsticks and lipglosses - You are my kryptonite. Of all the makeup you are my main weakness. I cannot help myself every time I see you. I love that you can determine or change my mood sometimes depending on the colours I wear. On days when I am wearing minimal or natural makeup, I can apply a nude lipstick or a pale, pearly gloss. Or when I want to be girly and flirty, a pretty pink shade is all I need. If I want to go with the earthy toned theme but still stand out a little, then a warm nude or brownish tint works great. If I want to go all out and be really noticed then, reds work wonders, or if I feel more evil or vampy, then darker reds and purples are just the trick, although if I wear my favourite deep wine coloured lipstick with my dark curls down and flowing, I look like Lorde. There is one shade of red, which instead of being 'carnation' should really be named 'whore red' but that is just my opinion.
Dear internet beauty gurus - You amaze me. I am so far down the YouTube beauty video rabbit hole that I cannot see a way out. Beauty gurus, I watch your videos in awe and wonderment, knowing that I will never be able to do what you do. Please tell me your makeup guru secrets. I may love makeup, but I am not good at it, not like the gurus anyway. Although, ten out of ten would recommend that internet rabbit hole.
Also just a quick end note. Dear men or people who don't 'do' makeup - Please don't get angry at your friends, wives, girlfriends for taking ages to get ready. This is what we have to deal with. It is a sophisticated operation, and there is a fine line between fresh faced, youthful makeup, and looking like you've been on a drinking binge for two weeks. Please just calm down and take a seat and wait those extra five or ten minutes. Please.
Similar in style to my 'Open Letters to my underwear' piece which is on another site, this hopefully humourous piece will chronicle the different types of makeup I have and my relationships with them. I will not do each individual item of makeup and beauty products I have; I will group them. I will also not mention brands of makeup.
Dear foundation - I don't wear a lot of you, especially in the summer as doing anything can cause very attractive sweat streak marks down my face, but I do love you, especially the new foundation I found last week, which is actually light enough for my skin *shock horror* as I can have the problem of finding face creams and foundations that say 'light' or 'fair' and they are too dark for me, but this new foundation is fair skin perfection.
Dear concealer - I love you. My usual weekday makeup routine is to clean my face and then apply concealer and powder and go. No foundation. I love my concealer. To the one concealer, I found for cheap, which I now realise is why I have issues, you call yourself 'full coverage' don't lie to me. I see your game, and people can see all my skin flaws. To the other concealer that I love. I think I have abandonment issues because of you. I have had you for a shockingly long time but, like Rick Astley said, I am never going to give you up. You are empty, you and I both know that, but I don't want to get rid of you. If I could find you again at the makeup counters and beauty stands, then I would throw you away and buy a new one, but I cannot find your exact brand and match again which is why I cannot let go. I had to cut your tube in half last week and start scraping you off the sides. I don't want you to go, little concealer. Stay with me, please.
Dear powder - I like using you, apart from when you get all over my shirts and tops after using you, and then I have weird powder smudge marks on my clothing from where I have tried to brush you off. Loose powder, not a fan of you. You get everywhere, and I was messy with makeup already, but you make an even bigger makeup mess. Press powder, I love you, let's be friends forever. Well at least for the next 20 or so years, until I start to get wrinkles and can't use you anymore. But for now, I am your number one fan.
Dear blush - We have had a strained relationship, to say the least. From the times when I was not using enough of you, and I looked like a ghost to the other end of the spectrum when I was using too much, and I looked like the younger sister of the Kool-Aid man. Oh yeah? I hear you thinking? Unfortunately, it was an oh yeah moment. Or moments as there was more than once I went out looking like that.
Dear Bronzer - Too much of you and I look like a certain presidential candidate who thinks it is okay to get grabby with women because he's famous. Enough said.
Dear eyebrow pencils, powders and gels - My natural brows are thick and dark (haters gonna hate) so there isn't a lot I need to do with them, but I like using you, especially pencil to redefine my brows, especially when I am getting closer to an eyebrow waxing, and they look like two hairy caterpillars on my face. Brow powder, I love you also, you are soft and subtle, and I like the effect you give. Brow gel, well we don't have a good relationship. You are a tad too dark for me, and if I use you, then I look like Virgil the Thunderbird puppet. Not cool.
Dear eyeshadows - I have so many of you. From powders to cream based eyeshadows, glitters, metallics, pearly shades, matte finishes and sparkly three-dimensional holographic ones (holosexuals, say what!) There have been times in the past when I had gone overboard with eyeshadow and looked like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, and I apologise to anyone who had to look at me on those days. I especially love the earth tone shades of eyeshadow as you make my green eyes really pop. But when I am feeling extra sparkly I love using purples and golds, again you make my green eyes looking amazing.
Dear eyeliners - Thank you for being so good to me over the years. We went through a rough patch a while back when I was in my 'let's look like a raccoon' phase, but now, like blush, I know how to use you. I love liquid eyeliner the most, especially the purple glitter liquid liner I purchased last month, although it is slightly bittersweet for me, as your brand is being discontinued so I will not be able to find you anymore, but I am glad I did find you and purchased you for super cheap. Pencil liners, thank you for being so cool and smudgy, especially when I want to pull off a smokey eye look.
Dear highlighters - I have not fully mastered you yet. I am new to your people's customs and ways, but I am learning, and so far I like what I have found, even if the first few times I used you, you could land a plane on my face.
Dear lipliners - I love you, plain and simple. Thank you for your service.
Dear lipsticks and lipglosses - You are my kryptonite. Of all the makeup you are my main weakness. I cannot help myself every time I see you. I love that you can determine or change my mood sometimes depending on the colours I wear. On days when I am wearing minimal or natural makeup, I can apply a nude lipstick or a pale, pearly gloss. Or when I want to be girly and flirty, a pretty pink shade is all I need. If I want to go with the earthy toned theme but still stand out a little, then a warm nude or brownish tint works great. If I want to go all out and be really noticed then, reds work wonders, or if I feel more evil or vampy, then darker reds and purples are just the trick, although if I wear my favourite deep wine coloured lipstick with my dark curls down and flowing, I look like Lorde. There is one shade of red, which instead of being 'carnation' should really be named 'whore red' but that is just my opinion.
Dear internet beauty gurus - You amaze me. I am so far down the YouTube beauty video rabbit hole that I cannot see a way out. Beauty gurus, I watch your videos in awe and wonderment, knowing that I will never be able to do what you do. Please tell me your makeup guru secrets. I may love makeup, but I am not good at it, not like the gurus anyway. Although, ten out of ten would recommend that internet rabbit hole.
Also just a quick end note. Dear men or people who don't 'do' makeup - Please don't get angry at your friends, wives, girlfriends for taking ages to get ready. This is what we have to deal with. It is a sophisticated operation, and there is a fine line between fresh faced, youthful makeup, and looking like you've been on a drinking binge for two weeks. Please just calm down and take a seat and wait those extra five or ten minutes. Please.
