Hey Suzy,

In the last two weeks I have received five amazing internet offers. Each was from an individual who desired to make me the recipient of a bodaciously huge sum of cash. Three of these offers were from various Nigerian bank employees. Men with larceny in their hearts who were looking for the same among folks in the good old USA.

It starts with Dr. Ramadan Abdu, who is, or was until recently, (I'll get to that part in a minute) the bill and exchange manager of the African Development Bank. Dr. Ramadan Abdu is; "Trusting to hear from you (that’s me Suzy) immediately." As he has "found" a 30 million dollar account that was abandoned. All of which is in American greenback denominations.

Suzy, it gets better. This truckload of cash was just lying around somewhere in or near the bank's bill and exchange department. A pile of dead presidents just begging to be given to some foreign stranger, for a mere 40 percent of the out of country take. He sounded pretty damn desperate, so I'm thinking that I can wear him down until he agrees to 25 percent.

I was still chewing the fat off of this tasty offer when I get another e-mail from somebody at the Nigerian B. of A.. No, it wasn't the Bank of America, which was what I thought it was at first but the Bank of Africa! Which to my way of thinking, (and I'll do my best someday to try and explain to you exactly how that process works) is a lot better than The Bank of Nigeria. I mean Suzy, this is the Bank for the whole damn African continent!

Mr. George Williams, who happens to be the bill and exchange manager of B of A, has located another completely different account containing the abandoned sum of 30 million U.S. dollars that he wants to hook me up with. Now my mind is chewing on two huge meaty, fatty, tasty, greasy, gobs of some kind of African road kill riches surprise. And two of such is a feast for any man's mind to masticate his way through.

When KA-BOOM! The Hat Trick mother of all internet offers of outrageous financial fortunes that are yours for the taking arrives in my inbox. A Mr. Ellis Lee, who also works at the African Development Bank and is also the bill and exchange manager had an offer for me. This made me wonder if Dr. Ramadan Abdu was caught doing the ‘Nigerian two step’ with the 30 million dollar account that he was going to send my way, leaving an opening in the bill and exchange department that Mr. Lee had the good fortune to be assigned to.

I use the term good fortune because Mr. Lee no sooner has the job, title, and access to the banks letters of account and WHAMO! He roots out another 11 million dollar abandoned account. Like one of those truffle sniffing porkers from France that ferrets out those tasty fungi.

Obviously, Mr. Lee was plugged into the same mysterious mumbo jumbo, chili gumbo, who doo, voodoo, hey you, who gnu energies that seem to be highly concentrated in or around the bill and exchange departments of Nigerian banking institutions. The cosmic synergies that are a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and covered with a spicy Chipolte sauce once again conjured up my name as the person that all these millions sitting in abandoned Nigerian bank accounts should be sent to. Can it any longer be denied with a straight face, that God has my back?

I must be sucking all the luck out of the known universe for two complete strangers, that are both from Nigeria, who have both located, run across, discovered; and/or became aware of two entirely different abandoned accounts that had 30 million in US buckaroos in them. Then have another Nigerian in the know toss towards my mind's already full hands and mouth, another 11 million dollar gob of meaty, chewy, greasy, fatty, rib of Nigerian road kill riches. That's 71 million dollars Suzy! The trifecta of internet offers of robber baron type wealth. I can finally get that 21 foot long fiberglass bass boat and an extra set of oars.

What are the odds?

Never mind. I don't want to cheapen the magic of this moment with sound mathematics or basic applications of logic and reason. Even more amazing, all three of these fine upstanding, hardworking bank employees with larceny coursing through their veins picked me to be the recipient of their grossly misspelled offer.

Choosing me, I am sure in some cosmic conniption fit connection a la bury the chicken bone, kismet, who doo, juju, coo coo ca choo Mrs. Robinson type manner that us ‘Westerners’ will never understand. It's one of those beautiful, inscrutable, immutable, loot able, not suitable for children or anyone else who isn't suffering from the last stages of Alzheimer’s type offers.

One of those cosmic mysteries that occasionally work their way up under the skin of a person's reality. Usually to lay their innumerable in number eggs. That in a few short weeks will hatch into a hellish legion of voraciously hungry something or others. That will then perform upon your body the insect like equivalent of Sherman’s scorch and burn march on Atlanta. Which if you remember was during the Civil, but none the less quite deadly War.

But not this time! No way Jose! I figure that at least one, and possibly two of these offers have the potential for an exponential to the tenth power payout. But as you can see, with both of my mental hands, as well as my mind's mouth, full to the choking point with fresh from the grill Nigerian roadkill riches I'm in need of a little help. I could use your finely honed, and razor sharp analytical bonafides as concerns this matter. To help me navigate the byzantine intricacies of counter-scamming a Nigerian internet scammer.

Not that I think that this is a real possibility in these three particular instances. But I didn't fall off of a turnip truck. Let alone last night. It was a rutabaga truck, and that was years ago!

Get back to me on this one Suzy. I think we've finally latched onto a real live opiated pipe dream! I will tell you about the two notifications that I received from the Irish Sweepstakes - Claims Department.

You won't believe how much I’ve won!