Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust

The year is 2462, and the earth is dead. What was left of its population spread through the heavens looking for a new home. Of course, once they left earth they found out they weren't alone in the universe. The rest of the sentient life forms had just been hiding from the destructive, backward human race. They had been manipulating images and shielding the earth from messages which otherwise would have reached the planet.

Slowly over the centuries what was left of the human race joined their alien brethren in The Great Imperial Empire. At the time of this story, humans aren’t even treated as immigrants or second-class residents, and now most work in unison with all the other races.

Some, however, were not so eager to join the Empire and a small group of isolationists settled on a small planet, trying to preserve their version of humanity. Others took to pirating and plundering, stealing technology and treasures from their alien friends.

This story is about one of the most revered pirates, Captain James Ricardo Ginola. What? ... The story is about his Kid? ... Which one? The pirate, the soldier or the smuggler thief? ... None of them?....HIM!!! The human who some have described as a pimple on humanity's ass? The man who single handily {pun intended} boosted the porn business to a whole new level? The most useless human who was ever conceived {accidentally} HIM?!!! …

Which story do you want? The one where he crashed into the emperor's ship or the one when the blob monster decided to make him his bitch? What do you mean the other story? There are more than 2? When he accidentally stole a secret royal porn stash. Oh, the sex slave whore story, well, it's not really his story from HIS point of view? … You are not making this easy. I think I should get a bonus for writing such a story. … … … OK Sir... please don’t show my wife that. Yes, sir, I will do as you ask. {Blackmailing son of a bitch.}

{Cough}, OK, this story is about a young man called Naval Scrot. When he grew up, he longed to follow in his father's footsteps. He was the scion of aforementioned infamous pirate Captain Ginola, but Naval do I have to call him that? … Not even people who know him will know that name, {which I have to say, not many would admit they know him.} … Thank you {One concession finally}

Ok, where was I? Naval or Scrotum as people called him was the fourth illegitimate child of Captain James Ricardo Ginola. The other three had become famous in their own special way. The eldest Treborin was also a famous pirate, though more feared him because of who his father was than any of his exploits. Next was his daughter Kari; she was a smuggler and a thief, {taking after her mother}. She was one of the few people to get one over on her father, stealing a treasure from right under his nose. His second son was Captain Blight of the imperial guards and pursued his own father and elder siblings in the name of the Emperor. Which leads us to Scrotum.

Scrotum was the son of a prostitute, who died of something very nasty when he was twelve. His mother had always told him about his famous father, and he had heard lots of stories as he had grown up. Once he hit eighteen, he had searched out his father and asked to join his crew. Unfortunately, Scrotum was a terrible pirate. He passed out at the sight of his own blood, and he couldn’t run due to his asthma plus he couldn’t handle alcohol. On his first {and only} raid he shot his own father. Adding a failure to his father’s impressive list of raids. It had been a real bad day!

Not only had he failed to impress his father during the raid but on the way back to the ship he had had an asthma attack. One of his fellow pirates had pushed him down an embankment, and he had ended up groyne first against a long pickled cactus. He had screamed and wheezed so hard he tore his own vocal cords causing his voice to become permanently squeaky. Eventually, he was rescued by his father's first mate. Scrotum then spent the next few hours in agony while the ship's doctor fixed up his father before turning his attention to him.

Everyone had had a good laugh at Scrotums expense as the doctor took his time pulling the long spines out of his ball sack. Earning him the nickname Scrotum {Which stuck to the end of his days.} One of the pirates had made a joke that a good thing had come from this. He couldn’t have any children. His father hadn’t liked that comment, though over the next few weeks had to reconsider and agree.

Scrotum failed at almost every task he had been given even killing several of the crew with the catering incident. No one ate his cooking after that!

His father decided to pack him off to his Uncle Dom’s {Ginola’s brother} with the words “Not everyone is meant to be a famous pirate.”

These words had hurt Scrotum deeply. He was determined to prove to his father he had what it took.

Three years later living on his uncle's space station {funded by his father's ill-gotten plunder.} Scrotum was still determined to prove himself, although he had made very little headway. He had tried to join his older brother's crew, but Treborin didn’t have time for Scrotum making a hurtful joke about losing his balls and shooting his captain.

Scrotum had almost given up on being a pirate until one day a parcel turned up. In it he found a letter addressed to his uncle about him. Since it concerned him, he thought he'd better read it. His eyes widened as he read. Apparently, his father had decided to retire and disappear. He had divided his fortune three ways, one to his oldest son, another to his daughter and the last third to his uncle. As for Scrotum, there was a stipulation he would get a monthly allowance, like forever.

Ginola hadn't forgotten his second son either. The one who worked as an imperial guard. His father's ship full of plunder had been gifted to him in bazaar circumstances. His brother had been promoted and now lived happily on Orion six with his new wife.

Scrotum envied his brothers and sister. They were all successful. His oldest brother and sister had several arrest warrants out on them. Scrotum was the only one not living up to his father's expectations. He smiled as he read on. His father had left him a small ship, {on radar it looked like a cock and balls.} This became Scrotums home. His uncle generously restocked it with food and fuel every month. Scrotum was happy playing pirate, flying around pretending he was a big shot.

On his first trip out he had crashed the ship. “Lucky you survived,” his uncle had said, and Scrotum had been forced to take piloting lessons and basic engineering classes. Meanwhile, his uncle had installed a state of the art computer system, with override procedures and codes. This was done so that if the computer thought what he was doing was “unnecessarily risky” the ship would take control. Not that Scrotum realised any of this; he thought he was a great pilot avoiding asteroids by mere inches. Plus his evasive manoeuvres when being fired on were great, {he managed to piss people off so easy.} even though when he tried to turn left the ship went right.

Scrotum was never going to be a very good pirate. His one attempt ended up with him in jail, as he had unknowingly tried to rob a police shuttle. His uncle had paid the bail and told him to keep to the exploring and pretending he was a pirate, but not to attack or try to rob anyone. He wouldn’t be happy if Scrotum ended up dead {though he had considered it}

Scrotum had become better at drinking; {he could now drink four pints and still make it back to his ship}. But not so good with his money, his allowance would usually only last a few days rather than the month. Wasted on gambling and prostitutes {most of whom just robbed him and left him watching porn.}

One of the only things Scrotum could brag about was that he did have one of the best porn collections in the known galaxy.

Three months ago he had decided to up his game and spent his entire allowance on a second-hand sex-bot. He had installed the software on the main computer so it would talk dirty to him while he played with his, “new toy.” Unfortunately, he didn’t create a separate hard drive causing the sex bot’s programming to mix with the ship's computer functions and combining with the A.I. Now it not only spoke to him in a sexy lady's voice but would make sexual innuendos at the most inappropriate times.

The sex-bot was voice-activated by the word “Madeira,” but its previous owner had been a bit kinkier than Scrotum had thought. Too bad he didn’t think to ask for the safe word or the shutdown command. To his stupefaction he found himself tied up, probed, played with and electrocuted for three days. The sex-bot had eventually run out of power leaving a very sore and tired Scrotum wondering how he was going to get out of this mess.

As luck would have it, another pirate found his ship adrift. After boarding, he had a good laugh at Scrotum’s predicament, then had decided to take pictures of him all tied up with the sex-bot still attached to him, {he had put the pictures straight onto the galactic interweb.} Still laughing to himself, he stole all of Scrotums possessions of worth as well as his provisions, then {feeling sorry for the idiot} had stunned him and cut him loose.

When Scrotum had awoken {in a lot of pain} he had crawled to the cockpit and pushed the autopilot to take him back to the space station. The sex-bot was sealed away in the cleaning cupboard, and Scrotum vowed he would never say that word "Madeira" again.

His uncle had programmed a safe phrase “Pretty, please take me home,” into the computer after that, meaning Scrotum could now just say the words and the computer would automatically activate the Autopilot and take the ship back to the station.

So there you have it Captain Naval Scrot and his Legendry adventures…

The End.

… {What you want more but he and but yes, sir where shall I start … ok OVER 60.000 words!!! Fuck! You know you got to sell this book to cover costs right Just get on with it?.... yes sir.}

Chapter 1. Another usual morning?

It started like most mornings with Scrotum awakening with a hangover; he had arrived back at the station to be restocked yesterday. He couldn’t remember much about last night. He hoped he hadn’t blown all of his allowance already.

His uncle had thoughtfully filled the food storage up with the usual pot noodles and pizzas, a bottle of mind rot whiskey, and one hundred cans of triple strength larger. That would keep him going even if he had spent all the money. His fuel pods had also been refilled and charged, and his laser gun had been repaired as he had overloaded it shooting at rocks.

His ship the SS Thrust {he named it himself} wasn’t large or fast, but it did have a few nice features. The swivel chair in the cockpit spun very quickly, and he had a state of the art Cleaning droid that made his bed every morning. The guest quarters/brig/disco room was large and could handle a decent party {not that he had ever had one}. But the toilet was his favourite, having a feature that wiped his ass. And also, had a monitor built into the door so he could sit there and wank himself as much as he wanted while the computer did the piloting.

The second half of the ship contained the cargo bay, food storage, and engine/computer room. Not that Scrotum went down there much, “Boring” he used to say whenever he had to go in there for another six pack of larger.

Scrotum lay there for a while. He wasn’t in his bed. There was no fluffy blanket, soft pillow or teddy bear for him to cuddle. He slowly opened his eyes, “Good morning you sexy man beast,” the computer said.

“Good morning Lilly, what time is it?” he asked the computer

“Its 11.27 am, would you like me to suck your cock?” the Lilly replied

“If only you could,” Scrotum thought back. “What’s on today's schedule Lilly?”

“A Mister Mot wants payment for the flavoured lube you bought last month, and your uncle wishes to give the ship a once over. You make me so wet captain.” Lilly replied in a sexy voice. Scrotum groaned, he had put off the last two ship inspections, and he hadn’t wanted his uncle to find out about Lilly, and he didn’t want to talk to his uncle while the computer spoke about massaging his balls.

Scrotum slowly sat up, to his dismay he was still dressed, in the guest quarters/ disco room and to top it off the disco ball was still turned on from last night. “I must have got slaughtered,” he mumbled before he looked down at his favourite shirt, his eyes blinked several times. There was a rather large bloodstain on the front. Panic infused his foggy mind, and he suddenly felt faint as he patted himself down making sure he wasn't hurt almost stabbing himself with the bloody knife in his hand. “AAAAAGGGGHHHH” he screamed as he threw it in the air. He watched it fall until it landed on a naked dead woman's body.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The woman was lying on her front her head pointing to one side facing away from Scrotum in a pool of her own blood. He slowly stood up and walked around the woman's body until he could see her face, “Wow she’s hot, and that ass is to die for.” he thought while rubbing his cock checking if he had gotten lucky last night soon realising that it was highly unlikely. He refocused on the woman, and the fact that she was dead was probably more important. “Err, Lilly?”

“Yes, master how may I serve you,” Lilly replied seductively.

“Can you tell me who this is?” Scrotum asked feeling very ashamed that he was still staring at her ass with his hand down his pants.

“That information is not known at this time, you sexy man. Would you like me to scan her and put her genetic makeup through the galactic interweb?”

“Err please.” Scrotum replied. The door opened, and a small scanning drone flew in and hovered over the still form, several beams of light shone out of it covering it from head to toes. To scrotum it looked like a giant dragonfly, “What is that?” he asked as it landed on the dead woman.

“That is a level one scanning drone that was designed for detailed scans and gathering information, sexy bum.”

Scrotum leant forward looking at the drone, and it did look like a large bug. He was about to poke it when it bit into the dead body, making Scrotum jump backward in surprise. “What the fuck is it doing now? Eating?”

“Genetic sample obtained.... scanning interweb,” Lilly replied no longer sounding sexy.

“What happened to your voice, Lilly?”

“When connected to the interweb biorecognition section my primary functions are reset. Contacting local law enforcement.”

“What?...No no no no no!” Scrotum screamed out, “Disconnect, disconnect!”

“Connection terminated sexy, tee hee,” Lilly responded sounding like her old self.

“Err did you find out who she was?” Scrotum asked.

“No, but local guards have been dispatched to this location due to the query, big boy,” Lilly replied.

“Oh fuck!!!” Scrotum moaned. He knew he was in trouble. He might not be the smartest, but he knew his fingerprints would be all over that knife that was sticking in the naked woman's back. He didn't know who she was but she was on his ship, and her blood was on his shirt. Also, there was the matter of 100 gigatons of illegal porn stored on his computer. “Oh fuck!!!” he repeated. “Can this get any worse?”

“Message from you uncle sweetie,” Lilly suddenly announced, as the com came on.

“Scrot you there? I will be down in five minutes, want a talk to you about Lilly, and the state of the ship.”

“Oh fuck!!!” Scrotum repeated as he hung his head.

Chapter 2, hide the body

{nope you will have to wait till next time}