Maybe I’m more sensitive about cockroaches than most other people because I was eighteen, in the army, before I ever saw one. I was working in the mess hall and I went to the broom closet to get a mop when the little monster chased me out. In Montana, only Deer Lodge Penitentiary has roaches, and there’s this guard that collects them and shellackes them to boards in posed courtroom scenes, fishing and hunting scenes, etc. People buy them, because roaches are so novel in Montana, kinda like those scorpions that are encased in plastic that people bring back from Arizona.

The Nickerson’s were a Christian family. He worked, and she stayed home with the kids. They tithe and give offerings. They are in children’s ministry. They home school their kids. They try very hard to please the Lord Jesus. They also have a really really bad roach infestation in their home.

I like to visit, to sit and drink coffee and talk to Diane. She is a sweet older lady with unique perspectives on things. Occasionally I see one skitter along a wall, and I can always see one if I start looking for them.

“Do you want to crash out on the couch?” she asks after we have stayed up until two in the morning chattering.

“I don’t know, I should go home.” I say, thinking that I don’t want to share the couch with the bugs.

“No, stay, it’s late.” She said as she went and gathered some linen for the couch. I felt bad so I nodded assent. I regretted this decision because I felt bugs crawling on me all night. I had just nodded off to sleep when one crawled in my ear. I think it got stuck and was trying to turn around because it was buzzing. I felt like screaming.

Knock…Knock…Knock…”Diane.” I was standing outside their bedroom door.

“Yes?”

“Umm, I need help, I think I have a roach in my ear.” I said quietly.

“Oh, No.” she got up and led me to the bright bathroom.

“I’m just going to pour some hydrogen peroxide in your ear and try to get it out with a bobby pin.” She said.

“Ok. I’m sorry.” I said.

“You’re taking it really well, when this happened to Zachary he screamed his head off.” Diane said.

“Oww. Do you see anything?” I said.

“No, hold still, I don’t see it. Maybe it got out.” She said. The buzzing had gone.

“I’m going to go home.” I said.

“Ok, I’m very sorry.” she said.

# # # #

Several months later I was visiting and the infestation was much worse. The whole condition of the house was worse. They had a sewage leak that caused buckling floors, and the infestation, and a stench. They had a gas leak that enabled them to turn the hot water heater on for a few minutes for lukewarm showers before the house filled with gas and they had to turn it off. Did I mention that the roaches were worse? They were everywhere. I ate dinner and I couldn’t set my plate on the table, or they would crawl on it. I stood to talk to Diane, moving my feet up and down so they wouldn’t crawl on my leg. This place was a nightmare.

“I keep asking God why we have to suffer like this, people don’t live like this, not in developed nations. There’s nothing I can do. No matter how hard I try to be clean, it doesn’t matter. This place is so expensive, the utilities are so high, it’s just bleeding us dry financially.” said Diane. Her eyes expressed her despair.

“I’ll try to help get money together for you to move. How much do you need?” I offered. In the end I could only come up with $1,500. I had the idea that I could go to Pastor Mitchel and borrow money on their behalf and pay it back in increments. That could give them enough to move.

“Make sure that they have a place before you give them any money. You know how it is, kids need new shoes, just a little here and a little there and all the money is gone and they are still living in squalor.” He said when I asked him for a loan. Then he prayed for me, but he didn’t lend me money for them.

I showed Diane the money order for $1,500.

“When you find a place, I’ll contribute.” I said. Weeks passed, the Nickerson’s were busy doing Christmas pageants for children's church. There were hundreds of costumes and props to make. There were hours of practicing. I think almost two months passed.

Pastor’s attitude, that the Nickerson’s were bringing suffering on themselves and didn’t deserve help, and my own selfishness, wrestled with my desire to make their life better, and won. I went into the furniture store and used the $1,500 to pay off my debt there. That evening Diane came up to me with excitement on her face.

“We found a place.” she said.

I dropped my head in shame.

“I spent the money. I am so sorry.” I said.

“Oh. Oh… It’s ok.” she said.

Somehow the Nickerson’s moved. They weren’t mad or mean to me. They even invited me over to their new home. I felt horrible. I found out later that they could have legally sued me for the money, it’s called “promissory estroppel.” When someone believes in a promise you make, and act in faith, then you let them down, you are legally liable. They didn’t sue me. They didn’t even gossip about me, but I never felt the same. The part of me that would lay down my life for my friends, died then. I have lost much of my generosity since then. I feel like I’m cold, selfish, and mean.