Bored, Suburban Style

Lucy was so bored.

Every morning, she got up at 6:30 sharp when the alarm went off. Then she padded out to the kitchen on the freezing cold parkay floor to make her husband Jerry a cup of strong coffee. She also refilled Tootsie Roll the cat's dry kibble bowl and gave him fresh water. (Tootsie Roll was named by Lucy's seven year old daughter Minnie.)

After that, she padded back into the small bedroom with the king sized bed that took up the entire floor space, and deposited Jerry's coffee on the dresser. Then she shook her husband's shoulder to wake him up, since the alarm never did the trick.

Lucy always asked her husband the same silly question to accompany this shoulder shake, which was as follows: "Do you want coffee?"

This was a ridiculous question, of course, since Jerry was coffee's biggest fan. Lucy didn't know how Jerry would function without it, just like she didn't know how he would possibly wake up in the morning to go to work without her assistance.

Right on cue, Jerry would grunt and snort a bit, mumbling something incoherent.

"Coffee...fresh coffee!" Lucy would sing, trying to interject enthusiasm into the tired old morning ritual.

Then Jerry would grumble and snort some more, before he finally sat up and reached for his glasses, and then his coffee.

After that, Lucy would pad into Minnie's room to wake her daughter up for school.

"Minnie Mouse, time to rise and shine!" Lucy would say, lightly rubbing her daughter's shoulder.

Minnie would sit up and rub her bleary eyes, her long sandy colored hair presenting a knotted mess.

After that, Lucy would help Minnie pick out an outfit for school (which usually involved something either in the color pink or with a cat on it - often both). Then they would venture out into the kitchen where Lucy poured a bowl of either Trix or Cookie Crisp cereal into a bowl.

Next, Lucy would toss a long sweater over her plaid Walmart pajama pants, try to yank a brush through her daughter's hair, which was usually a quite futile event since Minnie would scream so loud Lucy was sure the people next door would hear and then call the cops on her.

Then she sent her daughter off on the school bus with a cheery wave - her daughter who was still sporting a few egg-sized knots underneath the top layer of hair.

After arriving back inside, Lucy would then go back into the bedroom with Jerry to watch a half hour's worth of the new channel, Weather Nation. Jerry insisted they watch every morning, even though the skinny blonde woman with the endless supply of droopy dresses took forever to finally get around to talking about the Chicago area, where they lived.

She, the weather woman, seemed to drone on and on about Texas and the Ohio valley, while Lucy sat there, feeling bored to death. Lucy could care less what the weather was like in Houston or Cleveland. However, Lucy dutifully sat on the edge of their bed, watching and sipping coffee, since it was part of the morning routine.

Lucy's husband was very into routine.

Take sex, for instance. Once a week, the whole predictable procedure started with some mouth action (on Lucy's part), then her on top (since Jerry was a bit lazy and a lot overweight) for about four minutes - sometimes five.

But Lucy couldn't just blame Jerry for her life becoming dull and monotonous. The mundanity of her existance was her own fault, as well. After Jerry left for work, Lucy continued with her routine chores as if she were a robot on auto-pilot. She washed up the breakfast dishes, made the beds, tossed clothes in the hamper, and turned the faucet on for Tootsie-Roll, who prefered sink water to water out of his bowl. Then she'd clean out Tootsie-Roll's litter box.

Next, Lucy would check her E-mail to see if there was a message from her mother back in Pennsylvania. Sometimes she'd write a letter herself, which mostly focused on Minnie's latest escapes in second grade, along with enclosing a few new pictures of Tootsie Roll laying in the sink or playing with a piece of string.

Then Lucy would get ready (get ready for WHAT, she was never quite sure). First, she brushed her teeth. Then she added a few hair extensions to make her thin hair look fuller. After that, she brushed on the same exact shade of aqua eye shadow she'd worn for years, along with applying the same exact shade of copper lipstick - blot - blot some more - toss the tissue away.

After that, she spritzed on a few sprays of the exact same white musk body spray she'd worn for eons.

In fact, she'd worn it for so long, Lucy's bored nose couldn't even smell the musk any more.

Lucy's mind was so dulled by routine that she hardly even saw herself when she looked in the bathroom mirror. All she saw was a face that needed washing, or hair that needed brushing.

Her bored mind didn't compute that she was a very attractive, vital woman with gigantic expressive green eyes, a very lush bottom lip that always made her look like she was pouting. Lucy never even noticed.

What did being attractive matter in her boring dull predictable life, anyway?

When Lucy got dressed, she paid no attention to her firm bouncy breasts. She just stuffed them into her stretched out beige Walmart bra without a second thought.

After that, Lucy would either vacuum, dust, or do laundry, depending on the day of the week. Sometimes she went to the nearby country store to stock up on bread or milk or whatever Jerry put on the Need-to-get list. Their neighborhood was a little far from any bigger stores, and since Lucy never had extra money for gas, she hardly ever went by herself. She only went with Jerry when Jerry needed new underwear or deodorant.

On this particular day, Lucy was feeling even more bored than usual. But instead of the sort of bored that makes you just want to go to sleep, this was a restless sort of bored.

I could go out for a walk...Lucy thought, looking out her big picture window in the living room.

However, the sight of her same of boring neighborhood was not very inspiring.

So instead, she turned some music on the TV - old school funk, the channel was called - and worked up a little dance routine.

"This is fun!" Lucy said out loud, bopping to a song called Pappa's Got A Brand New Bag.

Next, instead of having the same old bottled water for lunch, Lucy helped herself to an Angry Orchard beer. The crisp tangy flavor of the beverage was invigorating. And since Lucy hardly ever drank, the alcohol in the drink was making her feel very giggly.

While Lucy was sitting on the couch, giggling uproariously at an episode of Snookie and JWow, there was a knock on the door. Minnie was home from school! And she'd brought a new friend with her - a girl named Josie.

"I brought my new friend from Brownies!" Minnie announced, referring to the smiling cherub with a head full of frizzy black curls.

"Oh...hello!" Lucy said, still on the verge of a giggle from the effects of the Angry Orchard and Snookie dressed up like a clown on TV.

There was also someone else standing at her doorstep. It was a guy. Josie's Dad.

"Hey! I'm Steve!" he boomed, also smiling.

"Oh! I'm Lucy....Minnie's Mom!" Lucy said, mesmorized by Steve's incredible height, tight jeans, and sexy mustache.

"No!" Steve said, feigning surprise. "I thought you were her sister!"

Lucy exploded in a fit of flirty giggles, not quite knowing how to respond.

She invited Steve in, while the girls ran upstairs to Minnie's room. Suddenly, life didn't feel so boring any more.

Suddenly, every cell in Lucy's formerly bored body was on fire.

She hadn't flirted in years. She was surprised how quickly and easily it came back to her.

Kind of like riding a bicycle, Lucy thought.  You never really forget!

Lucy offered Steve an Angry Orchard beer. She helped herself to another. They sat at the dining room table and talked about everything under the sun, including sex on the Internet. They flirted shamelessly. The way Steve was looking at Lucy made her feel like she was the most desirable woman on the planet.

Nothing happened. Nothing bad.

Except that Lucy didn't feel bored any more. She felt like a dying rose that suddenly, magically had sprung back to life. All vibrant, lush and dewy, instead of dry, crumbly and fading.

Lucy's mind was suddenly zipping with brand new exciting thoughts.

I should buy some of that gold sparkly eyeshadow I saw at Walgreens, she thought. I should get some bright pink lipgloss.

 Maybe I'll get that new perfume I've been wanting to try. The one called Fantasy!

As Lucy bid goodbye to Steve and Josie, she thought about Jerry.

Perhaps, Lucy thought, he's as bored as I am.

This was a novel thought, like so many others Lucy was suddenly experiencing.

Maybe I'll initiate sex tonight, she decided. And we'll do it on the couch! I'll get on my knees.....