Chapter 9
For Better or Worse 

Ed was in the yard snow blowing out the driveway trying to stay ahead of the winter storm. He had been stewing over Kaye's sudden need to take care of yet another stray dog that didn't belong to them. He didn't want to see anything suffer either, but in his upbringing his parents were more practical in dealing with this kind of situation. He went over it in his mind and couldn't let it go. He saw Kaye's Jeep pull into the yard and felt relieved, knowing she was safe and back home.

Kaye parked the SUV off to the side. She got out and stood in the yard watching. It always amazed her the way snow could be handled in such an efficient manner casting it far into the fields where it belonged. She made eye contact with Ed. She waved, hoping he was still in a receptive mood. Ed turned the auger on the blower off, backed the tractor close to her and idled it down, so they both hear each other.

 “I'm almost done here and then we can talk.” Ed barked over the tractors idling engine. The cab door closed again. The old tractor throttled up and Ed continued his clean up of the dooryard.

It was about the greeting that she had expected. Kaye had always hoped that one day he would show a little more emotion towards her or a passion about anything she was interested in. She wished he could show a little excitement seeing her. A smile would be nice once in a while at least. There used to be smiles she thought. There had been less passion from him in the last year or so. Kaye had thought in time there would be a little romance, but she became used to this kind of greeting. She looked up at him and smiled anyway as she turned toward the farmhouse.

The dogs could be heard inside. The excited barking had erupted in the kitchen and jumping up in the window, front paws on the ledge, tongues hanging out, tails could be seen waging their bodies so excited to see her.

Kaye stopped and looked at them. She thought that dogs never hid anything from you.

 “I wish Ed had a tail," she said out loud and smiled at the thought. She opened the kitchen door walked in and received her royal welcome from her two bouncing tail wagging friends.

 “Okay now you two settle down,” Kaye said to the dogs, as she opened the kitchen door.

 “Let me get out of my thing's,” she said in a high-pitched voice, which she knew was the wrong voice to use in any effort to calm down her babies but she loved them. For some reason, perhaps just out of respect for Kaye they sat themselves down anyway, but the tails continued to wag uncontrollably.

Kaye loved them. She had rescued both dogs. She found them in an animal shelter in the city. Both were to be put down. There had been reports of them biting their owner. She took them both. They never once were aggressive with her or Ed. They just needed love and attention. Kaye had plenty of both. She hung up her jacket, tucked her gloves in the selves and put it on the coat rack, turned and sat on the floor. The dogs moved in on her and began licking her face happy she was home.

 “Now you two listen to me,” she snapped her fingers and both sat down facing her. “You're going to have a little brother coming here soon, and I need you two to take care of him for me. I really need your help and support okay?”

The dogs had no clue the effect Billy would have on their life, if any, or for that matter, what on earth was being said them, but agreed by waging their tails looking at Kaye and then at the cookie jar. Kaye smiled got up and reached into the cookie jar giving each dog a dog biscuit in the shape of a gingerbread man patting them as they woofed it down. She made her own dog treats. It saved money and she knew what her pets were getting. As she was petting them, the door opened and Ed walked in and began to undress. He looked at the dogs then at the crumbs on the floor.

 “How were the roads?“ Ed finally asked. His back was to Kaye as he hung up his gear.

 “Well not the best, but Ralph was plowing, so I followed him into town and was lucky enough to be behind him on the way home.”

Ed was cool toward her and Kaye felt it. The two dogs did as well. After they finished their cookie and licking the crumbs up quickly, both went to the far corner of the kitchen where their beds were laid down looking up at Ed and Kaye. There was a long silence.

 “So... Mike put him down then? How much was that?”

 “Mike wasn't there. He's on Christmas Vacation. Barb was, she wanted to."

“And you wouldn't let her, would you?” Ed asked.

 "That's right, I wouldn't let her. She worked on him,” Kaye said getting a little more defensive, but wanted to tell him the news, but was interrupted.

 “She worked on him? Kaye I would just like to know why, when anything that limps or whimpers into this driveway you feel the need to rescue it. We talked about this Kaye.”

 “I'm not just going to put someone's pet down Ed. He's an expensive dog. He belongs to someone, my god you saw him.” Kaye made another attempt to tell him what Barb really charged her but was cut short.

 “My very own Florence Nightingale,” Ed said.

The jab stung, she tried not let it show, but her voice began to rise as well.

 “Is that what you would have done? Just put him down. Not my dog, not my problem. Is that it?That's how you really think Ed?” She asked.

 “Your damn right it is. I would have in a heartbeat! I'm not the county healer Kaye. That's your job I guess. I'm a farmer with livestock that needs money for vets. I have livestock that depend on that I have money for feed. Tractors and machinery that need more work than I can keep up with. A machine shed with its rafters starting to rot because I can't afford new steel for the roof. Now another vet bill for someone else's damn dog. It all costs money, Kaye! Money I don't have right now! Ed's voice became louder. The two dogs left the room. 

 “In case your not aware of it," Ed moved across the room opened the top drawer to an old steel filing cabinet. He pulled out a large hard-covered black book with gold embossing, the word Ledger written on it. It was filled with bills and invoices that had been tucked inside. Ed slammed the drawer back while handing it to her.

 “Were very close to losing it all this year. You're going to have to change your thinking about what has to come first around here,” Ed said. He sat back in his chair and just glared at her.

Kaye didn't say anything at first. This was the first time in the five years of their marriage he had ever talked to her in this manner. This was how Ed's dad talked to his mother. She had told Ed he would never talk like this to her. She looked at him and glared back. His mannerism and tone cut her deeply. Thoughts raced through her mind. She could live without the passion, she never received from Ed. She understood that his mom and dad were cool to each other, so she expected that. She loved him anyway, thinking she could change him, at least a little. She could do without many things that other women her age just took for granted. This was farm life and doing without and making do was sometimes a part of it. But she was not going to live without respect.

Kaye reached in her purse pulling out the vet bill, opened the book, placed the bill inside and snapped it shut. Then she glared at him. This was not a look. This was way beyond the look.

 “Oh I think I can pay for this one, so don't worry yourself about it. You and your farm will survive another day. You and I might not.” Her voice rose higher, and a little shaky. “I'm not stupid Ed and I do have my own money. I am fully aware of where we stand with our debts. I have been juggling these figures trying to keep us going for the last five years. We have done okay, haven't we? I'm fine with the just getting by. I have always been happy. I thought you were happy too.” Kaye said.

Kaye's eyes were wet. Her voice was beginning to tremble. “I thought we were partners, I thought we were friends, I thought you loved me for who I am and trusted my judgment, so maybe that's not true. You know what Ed? I like me. I like who I am. People like me the way I am.” She pointed to herself as she spoke to emphasize her words. “You're not married to me. You're married to this goddamn farm. I'm not your partner this farm is. It's the only thing around here that gets any of your affection or attention or respect."

She held the ledger in her hands. Tonight was the first time since they had been married. She had wished to be somewhere else. She looked at her husband then at what she was holding and what it represented. She was tired of it all.

 “You juggle this for a while. Apparently I'm not to be trusted!”

With that, Kaye tossed the ledger as if making a pass with a basketball back at Ed. He tried to catch it but was too late. The book caught the end of the table then flipped turning end over end in the air filling the room with loose invoices and bills landing on the kitchen floor. Kaye stormed out of the kitchen slamming the door. Her heels made thudding sounds as she climbed the stairs her dogs in close pursuit, the bedroom door slammed. It opened briefly. She tossed a pillow and an old duvet down the stairs then slammed the door again.

Ed had never seen her like this before or spoken to him in this way. He had never raised his voice or spoken to her like he had tonight. But something had to be said to wake her up. Ed kneeled down on the floor opened the ledger and started picking up the invoices that had been strewn across the kitchen floor trying to sort them out. He began picking bills and envelopes putting them back in the ledger sorting them by date. He was still upset but felt justified in taking a stand against the needless waste of the family's money. He would continue this conversation when his wife calmed down in the morning when she was more reasonable.

The last was the bill from the animal clinic, this was the one he really wanted to see. He quickly unfolded it and began to read the invoice. His eyes went over the invoice once, then again. 

Guilt swept through him, as he read out the list of baked goods that would be required for it to be repaid. “Cookies, jam-jams, pies, peach jam, a few dinners,” Ed whispered. He read the list a second time, then went over Barb's note at the end of the list. Why did he let his temper get so out of control tonight? Why hadn't he just calmed down and talked to Kaye about it quietly, like they always had been able to do in the past? Ed closed his eyes, regretting the last 5 minutes, wishing he could take it back from when he had walked through the door.

Feeling like a fool, and a bully, he folded the invoice that Barb made back up carefully then placed it back in the ledger, returning it to the cabinet. He held his head down, his hands on the edge of the file cabinet supporting himself. He was ashamed of the way he had handled this.

 “What a damn mess,” He said. Leaving the kitchen, he made his way to the stairs to apologize. He stopped, picked up the old duvet and pillow tossed them on the living room sofa and sat there, ashamed of himself.