This is for Vanessa.

This isn't a funny entry.

So don't laugh.

Don't even smile.

Because I told you on the night we first met, 'I am not stable'.

Your parents went to bed early. Too old to give a fuck about something so banal like New Year's Day. My brain was 80% empty when I said okay. You smiled at me and took your clothes off, and then mine. I struggled against our heavy breath like a drowning child at the deep end of a pool. Nervous, excited, and fully liberated.

I remember when we used to lay in the grass with the sun in our hair as we stare at the trees. We held hands and smoked cigarettes until our pockets were empty. I told you stories that were so heavy that I tell ever so rarely. Like about how I miss the presence of my sister. In a way you remind me of her.

You whispered something to me which destroyed all my worries. I saw the reflection of our naked bodies in your mirror and it destroyed all my esteem. Your skin smelled like wine and I was blessed with a running river of it. Endless ways I thought about you. I'll be by your side forever if you let me. But to promise anything to you now is rather pointless.

Echoing sounds of your voice smoke my mind when I fail to sleep at night. The memories we made caused our minds to interlock indefinitely. I am still not stable. I am not well. Endless ways I think of how I can meet you again. How I can meet my sister. I am only 20% alive now. This blade shredding the numbers down like a friendly assassin. I will see you once it is drained. The three of us basking in glorious sunshine on and on, permanently concealed from reality.