Welcome, citizen of Earth. It is hoped that you enjoy your sojourn to the stars but there are several important points to Galactic Culture that you must learn before you leave Earth space for more exotic climes. 

Now, as you know that for the Earth to join the Galactic Federation, Earth and its people had to make three contributions to the Federation. If the Earth could not make viable contributions, then the Earth would be “adopted” by one of the elder races and shaped as those elders saw fit. This would not be good for the people of Earth. The elder races have a tendency to be rather authoritarian in their approaches to civilize “barbarians”. 

Now to go over Earth’s three contributions:

Cultural — Earth’s cultural contribution to the Galactic Federation is pizza. As I am sure you are aware, pizza is considered a delicacy that can only be prepared properly by humans. Your paperwork states that you have been hired as a pizza chef so no more explanation is needed. 

Technical — Earth’s technical contribution to the Galactic Federation is duct tape. Yes, duct tape has a light side, a dark side, and quite literally binds the galaxy together now. Duct tape has been used on galactic starships with great success.

Religious — Earth’s religious contribution is a bit more dicey. You have been told it is the concept of The Trinity. This is technically true but, not The Trinity with which you are familiar. 

The Trinity to which galactic culture refers is: The Father (The stern disciplinarian, aka Moe), The Son (The youth in search of guidance, aka Curly), and The Holy Spirit (The compassionate being trying to temper The Father’s Holy Discipline, aka Larry).

Now you have been supplied with pamphlets to help learn the religion of Earth. The major pamphlets being: The Gospels according to Curly, The Shempest Heresies, Joe — The Anti-Curly, and Curly Joe — the Second Coming. 

Study the Pamphlets well and be ready to choose your hair cut. The most popular cut for men is The Curly. The most popular cut for women is The Moe. 

Remember that any mistakes could cost Earth dearly. Now please choose your hair cut and have a nice day.