"Hello! How are you?"

She says it enthusiastically, speaking to the customer placing their items on the belt, smiling a friendly smile and trying desperately to focus only on that one person and not on the line building behind them. The items finally reach her and she signs on to the register in front of her and begins scanning and bagging. Scan. Bag. Scan. Bag. Repeat.

"I'm okay. How are you?"

She stumbles in her scanning and bagging pattern, pausing for only a second and stuttering a little as she answers- not enough to really be noticeable, but more than she used to. She used to be really quiet and really shy, but she never stuttered and she was never so afraid.

"I-hm. I'm okay, thank you."

Scan. Bag. Scan. Bag. Repeat. No more words leave her mouth. She doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know what the customer wants to talk about and he doesn't offer up anything, so she just continues her cashiering. She hears some grumbles and mumbles and whispers from the line behind him, but makes herself just keep scanning. Just keep cashiering.

She hits total and reads it off to him, then makes the mistake of looking back at the line and her heart speeds up, her hands sweating and shaking. She tries to focus on the customer in front of her and the screen that says he's selected credit as his form of payment but it's becoming difficult for her to breathe and all she can think about is wanting to run away, but not being able to- being trapped because it was her job to be his cashier and show good customer service.

She presses the "card" key on the screen and glances at the clock at the same time. Just about lunch time, so after handing over his receipt, she quickly types in 205 Action Code (Need break/lunch) and waits for a reply. It pops up quick- Wait for Replacement.

No! Why can't you send someone now? Please!

She takes a breath in through her nose and lets it out through her mouth, trying desperately to calm herself down, but nothing seems to be working. She goes through the same Hello, how are you? with this customer and quickly scans and bags all the items and finally hears someone approaching.

As she hands the customer their receipt and tells them, somewhat breathlessly, to have a good day, her replacement says, "So you're waiting on a break?" and she gathers all her stuff and moves out of their way, thanking them quietly and rushing off.

Her chest hurts and her breathing is still a little off, her heart still faster than normal and her hands still shaking, but at least now she has an hour to calm down in the back room away from people.

***This is part story, part musing. This is an almost-perfect record of what went on at my line today at work. I cashier at the Walmart near me and while we are known for getting some rather odd or horrible characters, most of my customers are very nice people. That doesn't change the fact that today was utter hell for me. I knew when I woke up that today would not be a day for me to be around people, but being a responsible adult with a job means going into work even when every fiber of your being is screaming at you not to. 

A lot of my days are not this bad, but there are still quite a few that are. Anxiety seems to be a rollercoaster for me where one day it will really show its ugly face and others it'll only show its eyes. Either way, it sucks. You may have read my I Hate Phones musing. Well, that never goes away. Sure, when I put on my vest at work, I can pick up a ringing phone if I know who's calling me and why- if I'm expecting it- but outside of that? Phones are evil (not really). They're terrifying. But if you asked me this time last year about it, I'd say it had just always been like that and shrugged it off. If you had put me on a register this time last year, I wouldn't freak out like the above "character", so why now? Honestly, I don't know. I wish I could figure it out, I wish I knew, but it seems to just be getting worse and I don't know why.

Anyway, here's another wonderful Colors_of_the_Wind creation... hope you "enjoy" it.


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P.S: If you look up Anxiety by StilRize on YouTube, that's a rather accurate description of it all as well... I think it's also in my video gallery, but don't quote me.

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