Rachel has just gotten home and is kicking her shoes off when the phone rings. She debates answering but when she sees who it is she can't resist.

“Hey Amanda how are you?”

She listens as Amanda tells her about her day, boy the girl can talk. Slowly Rachel quits listening, knowing it really doesn’t matter what Amanda is saying.

Finally she gets to the point. “So, you wanna meet me at the bar tonight?”

“Sure, let me shower and change and I will be there,” Rachel tells her.

Rachel showers with thoughts of Amanda in her head. She sighs, wishing Amanda liked her as much as she likes her. Alas, Amanda is straight. Why do all the nice girls have to be straight or in a relationship? she wonders as she gets dressed.

Rachel gets dressed in blue jeans and a black shirt. Her short hair is given a quick brush through. She takes one look in the mirror, making sure she is ready and then walks over to the dresser. One last thing to do.

She grabs a mirror and razor and quickly chops up some happiness, as she has come to call it. It doesn’t take her long, she has become an old pro at this now. Putting most in a small vial to carry with her, she does up two lines and heads out the door with a smile on her face as the drugs start to do their work.

She gets to the bar and finds Amanda already there with shots in hand.

“Here you go, girl. Let the good times begin.”

“Cheers,” Rachel says, smiling, loving the combo of the alcohol and drugs.

Amanda and Rachel rarely have to buy their own drinks. There are always more than enough men happy to help get them drunk, thinking they will be getting lucky later. It always makes Rachel smile because they are sadly mistaken if they think she is going to go home with a man. Amanda, on the other hand, well that is another matter.

Rachel watches as Amanda flirts shamelessly with one man after another, wishing Amanda was flirting with her. Rachel orders drink after drink, the drugs make it easy for her to drink a lot.

She makes her excuses and heads to the bathroom to do another bump. She goes in the stall, shutting the door; a quick sniff up the left side, and again for the right, along with a head tilt back and another snort, then she is good to go again. Before she heads out again she gives her nose a quick look in the mirror. Seeing all is well she heads back out to watch the woman she could so easily fall in love with most likely go home with someone else.

And when she gets back to the table it is as if her thoughts have become reality.

“Rachel, hey, I am heading out see the cute guy with the tattoos.”

“Yeah,” she says trying not to show her disappointment.

“I think he is the one this time. He seems really nice and we just really hit it off. Anyway, the bar tab is paid. I got to go. Have a good night.”

“Yeah, you too.”

With Amanda gone now Rachel heads back home, wasted and alone as usual. She gets in and grabs a bottle of tequila then heads into the bedroom. She takes her clothes and shoes off and bending over the dresser again, does a couple more lines to drown the pain.

The nights are always hard on Rachel, the darkness seems to take over. Stealing any positive thoughts and leaving only the negative. She sits in her chair drinking her tequila. Thinking about her loneliness and all the loss in her life.

It has been a rough year for her, she has lost many things; her job, her lover, and her faith in herself. Even the drugs and alcohol don’t seems to help anymore. She picks up the one thing she knows will help, the one thing that will take away all her pain. She picks up her gun. A black 9mm, it is her favorite gun.
 
She holds it to her head, wondering if it will hurt.