Dudley was divorced. He had been divorced for two years. His wife Nadine had been cheating on him. With a toll taker, of all things. A toll taker named Ivan, who was fifteen years her junior.
She had been cheating with Ivan for five years. Five freakin' years! That sure made Dudley feel like a loser. And he'd had no clue. Oh sure, she'd stopped wanting sex. But Dudley figured she was just going through "the change." The change, ha! Come to find out, his ex wife was the horniest thing alive - with Ivan, that is.
She bragged all about the things they had done (sex on top of a billboard?) when she announced she was leaving Dudley. Ivan confirmed it all. He'd been standing there next to Nadine, scraching his scraggly beard, looking uncomfortable. But Dudley had been too stunned to react in any sort of way.
After Nadine left him, Dudley experienced a sence of overwhelming lonliness and depression. Maybe Nadine had been a cheating bitch, but she'd at least been a warm body, someone to go to Dominick's Market with - someone to lay around with on a gray rainy day, watching Robin Hood Men in Tights with him for the upteenth time, because it was his favorite movie.
In truth, Nadine wasn't a bad person to share a life with. Aside from the sexual problems, they got along quite well. But that was in the past. Now there was only Dudley's boring job as a manager at The Dollar Zone, and watching Robin Hood Men in Tights by himself.
Dudley's only friend, if he could call him that, was the young kid who worked for him named Martin, even though Martin only wanted to "make Dudley over."
"You need to get yourself some new threads, son," Martin was always telling him.
Martin liked to call Dudley "son," even though in truth, Martin was young enough to be Dudley's son.
Of course, Dudley didn't have a son - or a daughter. Not for lack of trying, but after 20 years of marriage, Nadine never got pregnant.
"You look like you stepped straight out of some seventies sitcom!" Martin liked to tell Dudley.
"Yea, yea," Dudley always said, waving Martin away.
In truth, Martin irritated him; always trying to change him. But at least it was someone to talk to. And Dudley was starving for human contact.
Did he want to meet another woman? Sure he did. But he didn't have the confidence to do it. Being cheated on for five years by a wife you trusted - being dumped for a toll-taker - hell, that did something to a man's self esteem.
On this particular sunny May day, Martin was sitting with Dudley in the tiny cramped office of The Dollar Zone, tapping away on his laptop he'd brought. A semi-retired woman, Mable, was manning the cash register.
Martin was setting up an account for Dudley on a dating site. It was called Divorced gotta make yourself sound good, son," Martin was saying.
"I dunno," Dudley said. "I think I'm a lost cause. Who would want a loser like me? I work in a Dollar Store for Christ sake. I live in a dilapidated house in nowheresville."
"At least you have a house," Martin said. "I still live with my moms and pops."
"You're nineteen," Dudley pointed out. "I'm fifty two. Nuff said."
"YOU'RE FIFTY TWO?" Martin screamed, causing a pregnant woman who was perusing the selection of squeaky books to stare into the office.
"Shhh," Dudley told him. "Please act professional."
"You're OLD, son!" Martin laughed. Well, we gonna change that. We gonna make you, uh, forty two. Yea...you'll be forty two now. I mean, shit son, that's still old, but at least it ain't ancient, you feel me?"
Martin tapped something into his computer.
"What are you doing?" Dudley asked him.
"Making your profile, son," Martin answered.
"Okay, why don't you add I have a heart condition, high blood pressure, and a touch of arthritis," Dudley said.
"You serious?" snorted Martin.
"Yea, I'm serious," said Dudley. "I want to be completely honest. That's the only way I'm gonna find someone who will be honest with me."
"Damn son, no one's ever honest on these sites," Martin informed him. "Trust me. This is like advertising. You gotta make yourself sound better than you are. Okay, I'm typing this in...perfect health...work out every day...."
"No, don't put that," Dudley told him, looking over his shoulder.
"It's already put," said Martin. "Let's see....you dabble in the stock market, have a ranch in Montana..."
"Don't..." said Dudley.
"And your favorite movie is..."
"Robin Hood Men in Tights," Dudley supplied.
"Nah, son, that's not sexy," Martin told him. "Your favorite movie is now....oh man, what's that shit women like...oh, I got it...Terms of Endearment. Yea. That's my mom's favorite movie. Gotta be some kind of chick flick."
When Martin was done, Dudley had an amazing profile. Evidently, he was fit and healthy, loved chic flicks, was loaded with dough, and even looked great...thanks to a shadowy picture of some stranger Martin stole from Google Images.
"Won't I get in trouble for using that?" Dudley asked, studying the profile of some hunky guy who appeared to be in his mid twenties.
"Nah son," said Martin. "No one cares!"
"What about when she meets me?" Dudley asked.
"Meet her at night," Martin suggested. "In a dark bar. A dark smoky bar. Maybe she'll have bad eyes, I don't know. Just work with me here, son. You can't be presenting yourself as a loser unless you want to attract other losers!"
Dudley thought about what Martin had said later on that night, when he was home watching the news. Maybe Martin was right. Why should he present himself as a loser?
He really did want to meet a woman. A nice woman; a nice friendly woman he could trust - that was the most important thing - that he could trust her. That she'd be faithful.
And if this fake,overly- inflated profile would help get him that, it was worth it!
Dudley didn't really care what the woman looked like. That wasn't important. But if she was attractive, hell, that would be a bonus!
As the evening progressed, Dudley felt his customary haze of loneliness and depression lift. He started to feel almost hopeful.
He kept checking his profile, to see if he had any "takers."
After the tenth check of the night, though, he started to feel a bit frustrated. Not one single E-mail in his inbox!
"I don't get it," he said, signing off for the night. "Who wouldn't want a catch like me? According to this profile, I'm as far from a loser as you can get."
Dudley trudged over to the ripped leather couch he spent most of his free time on. He switched on his DVD player, and proceeded to watch Robin Hood Men in Tights.
Little did he know, as he sat chuckling over the opening song, a woman named Janine was reading his fake profile right at that very moment, shaking her head woefully.
Janine was recently divorced. Her husband had cheated on her. She was looking for someone she could trust - someone honest and real. And this bozo named Dudley who dabbled in the stock market and had a ranch in Montana was definitely NOT for her.
"Terms of Endearment," she read. "Yuck! What BS! no guy likes that movie. What a faker."
Janine signed off the Internet and headed over to her DVD player with a sigh. She was an attractive woman in her mid forties, with long thick sandy colored hair and big blue expressive eyes.
She had a gorgeous body with curves that wouldn't quit. But it was like she didn't even know how attractive she was. She was so filled with insecurity after being cheated on and dumped. She just wanted someone to share her life with. A soul mate.
Janine sighed. Then she reached for her favorite movie Robin Hood Men in Tights, and fed it into the slot. She chuckled at the opening song, like usual...
She had been cheating with Ivan for five years. Five freakin' years! That sure made Dudley feel like a loser. And he'd had no clue. Oh sure, she'd stopped wanting sex. But Dudley figured she was just going through "the change." The change, ha! Come to find out, his ex wife was the horniest thing alive - with Ivan, that is.
She bragged all about the things they had done (sex on top of a billboard?) when she announced she was leaving Dudley. Ivan confirmed it all. He'd been standing there next to Nadine, scraching his scraggly beard, looking uncomfortable. But Dudley had been too stunned to react in any sort of way.
After Nadine left him, Dudley experienced a sence of overwhelming lonliness and depression. Maybe Nadine had been a cheating bitch, but she'd at least been a warm body, someone to go to Dominick's Market with - someone to lay around with on a gray rainy day, watching Robin Hood Men in Tights with him for the upteenth time, because it was his favorite movie.
In truth, Nadine wasn't a bad person to share a life with. Aside from the sexual problems, they got along quite well. But that was in the past. Now there was only Dudley's boring job as a manager at The Dollar Zone, and watching Robin Hood Men in Tights by himself.
Dudley's only friend, if he could call him that, was the young kid who worked for him named Martin, even though Martin only wanted to "make Dudley over."
"You need to get yourself some new threads, son," Martin was always telling him.
Martin liked to call Dudley "son," even though in truth, Martin was young enough to be Dudley's son.
Of course, Dudley didn't have a son - or a daughter. Not for lack of trying, but after 20 years of marriage, Nadine never got pregnant.
"You look like you stepped straight out of some seventies sitcom!" Martin liked to tell Dudley.
"Yea, yea," Dudley always said, waving Martin away.
In truth, Martin irritated him; always trying to change him. But at least it was someone to talk to. And Dudley was starving for human contact.
Did he want to meet another woman? Sure he did. But he didn't have the confidence to do it. Being cheated on for five years by a wife you trusted - being dumped for a toll-taker - hell, that did something to a man's self esteem.
On this particular sunny May day, Martin was sitting with Dudley in the tiny cramped office of The Dollar Zone, tapping away on his laptop he'd brought. A semi-retired woman, Mable, was manning the cash register.
Martin was setting up an account for Dudley on a dating site. It was called Divorced gotta make yourself sound good, son," Martin was saying.
"I dunno," Dudley said. "I think I'm a lost cause. Who would want a loser like me? I work in a Dollar Store for Christ sake. I live in a dilapidated house in nowheresville."
"At least you have a house," Martin said. "I still live with my moms and pops."
"You're nineteen," Dudley pointed out. "I'm fifty two. Nuff said."
"YOU'RE FIFTY TWO?" Martin screamed, causing a pregnant woman who was perusing the selection of squeaky books to stare into the office.
"Shhh," Dudley told him. "Please act professional."
"You're OLD, son!" Martin laughed. Well, we gonna change that. We gonna make you, uh, forty two. Yea...you'll be forty two now. I mean, shit son, that's still old, but at least it ain't ancient, you feel me?"
Martin tapped something into his computer.
"What are you doing?" Dudley asked him.
"Making your profile, son," Martin answered.
"Okay, why don't you add I have a heart condition, high blood pressure, and a touch of arthritis," Dudley said.
"You serious?" snorted Martin.
"Yea, I'm serious," said Dudley. "I want to be completely honest. That's the only way I'm gonna find someone who will be honest with me."
"Damn son, no one's ever honest on these sites," Martin informed him. "Trust me. This is like advertising. You gotta make yourself sound better than you are. Okay, I'm typing this in...perfect health...work out every day...."
"No, don't put that," Dudley told him, looking over his shoulder.
"It's already put," said Martin. "Let's see....you dabble in the stock market, have a ranch in Montana..."
"Don't..." said Dudley.
"And your favorite movie is..."
"Robin Hood Men in Tights," Dudley supplied.
"Nah, son, that's not sexy," Martin told him. "Your favorite movie is now....oh man, what's that shit women like...oh, I got it...Terms of Endearment. Yea. That's my mom's favorite movie. Gotta be some kind of chick flick."
When Martin was done, Dudley had an amazing profile. Evidently, he was fit and healthy, loved chic flicks, was loaded with dough, and even looked great...thanks to a shadowy picture of some stranger Martin stole from Google Images.
"Won't I get in trouble for using that?" Dudley asked, studying the profile of some hunky guy who appeared to be in his mid twenties.
"Nah son," said Martin. "No one cares!"
"What about when she meets me?" Dudley asked.
"Meet her at night," Martin suggested. "In a dark bar. A dark smoky bar. Maybe she'll have bad eyes, I don't know. Just work with me here, son. You can't be presenting yourself as a loser unless you want to attract other losers!"
Dudley thought about what Martin had said later on that night, when he was home watching the news. Maybe Martin was right. Why should he present himself as a loser?
He really did want to meet a woman. A nice woman; a nice friendly woman he could trust - that was the most important thing - that he could trust her. That she'd be faithful.
And if this fake,overly- inflated profile would help get him that, it was worth it!
Dudley didn't really care what the woman looked like. That wasn't important. But if she was attractive, hell, that would be a bonus!
As the evening progressed, Dudley felt his customary haze of loneliness and depression lift. He started to feel almost hopeful.
He kept checking his profile, to see if he had any "takers."
After the tenth check of the night, though, he started to feel a bit frustrated. Not one single E-mail in his inbox!
"I don't get it," he said, signing off for the night. "Who wouldn't want a catch like me? According to this profile, I'm as far from a loser as you can get."
Dudley trudged over to the ripped leather couch he spent most of his free time on. He switched on his DVD player, and proceeded to watch Robin Hood Men in Tights.
Little did he know, as he sat chuckling over the opening song, a woman named Janine was reading his fake profile right at that very moment, shaking her head woefully.
Janine was recently divorced. Her husband had cheated on her. She was looking for someone she could trust - someone honest and real. And this bozo named Dudley who dabbled in the stock market and had a ranch in Montana was definitely NOT for her.
"Terms of Endearment," she read. "Yuck! What BS! no guy likes that movie. What a faker."
Janine signed off the Internet and headed over to her DVD player with a sigh. She was an attractive woman in her mid forties, with long thick sandy colored hair and big blue expressive eyes.
She had a gorgeous body with curves that wouldn't quit. But it was like she didn't even know how attractive she was. She was so filled with insecurity after being cheated on and dumped. She just wanted someone to share her life with. A soul mate.
Janine sighed. Then she reached for her favorite movie Robin Hood Men in Tights, and fed it into the slot. She chuckled at the opening song, like usual...
