Once she dangled her feet in the blue water
And sang around the campfire
And toasted marshmallows
And drank Coke
And took photos of her friends and hung them on the refrigerator
That was the time when she loved her sister
And thought her mom hung the moon
And thought boys were gross
That was the year when she brought back her first “A”
And never got a B
And felt like the world was small
with her as the only important one
And that was the year she threw away all of her old nightlights and slept in the dark

Once she bellyflopped into murky water
And lip-synched around the campfire
And threw away marshmallows
And drank Diet Coke
And took photos of her friends and put them in her desk
That was the time when she hated her sister
And hated her mom
And wished the boys didn’t think she was gross
That was the year she brought back her first C
And felt like the world was too big
and she didn’t mean anything
And that was year she didn’t sleep

Once she stood on the black water’s edge
And stepped away from the campfire
And threw up at the sight of marshmallows
and drank Coke Zero
and pretended she had friends to take photos of
That was the time when she didn’t have a sister
and didn’t know her mom
and cried when the boys came close
That was the year she brought back her first F
And felt like the world was an ocean
and she was a drop of blood
in an ocean that still felt too small
And that was the year she couldn’t sleep

Once she remained in the city
and left on the electric lights
and threw away all the food
and forced herself to drink water
and wanted to have someone to be with
That was the time when her sister came back
but they didn’t love each other anymore
and she couldn’t be near her mom
and she was afraid of boys
That was the year she didn’t care about school
And she felt like the world was a jungle
and she was the smallest ant
and there was no place for her to hide

That was the year she bought the razor blades and the knives
and she hid them in her closet
and she kept them out of sight
except
one day she took them out
and she looked at herself in the mirror
and she gave herself two slashes on each goddamn wrist
and she bled out on the bathroom floor
and she could have sworn she smelled marshmallows
and heard the camera shutter click
and felt cold blue water on her toes
and that was the year she slept