I was sitting in my favorite tavern in the small town of Chicken Butt Flats, minding my own business enjoying a good pint of cold beer (I used wizardry to chill the beer, I can't stand it warm) when in walked three ogres.

Now we get all sorts of beings in town so three ogres wasn't all that unusual. We have humans, elves, orcs, dwarves, halflings, goblins, trolls, ogres and even a few fairies. The two fairies that live in town are named Pat and Chris, nobody is really sure which of the two is male and which is female. (The bookies in town are giving odds. I found one bookie that is giving 3 to 1 on Pat being male and another bookie that is giving 3 to 1 odds on Chris being male. I have 50 gold pieces bet on each fairy with both bookies, no matter what happens I will win 50 gold pieces.) Most of the intelligent people get along with each other fairly well and even a few of the beings that intelligence hasn't really been determined like griffons, unicorns and monkeys. (It is the poo flinging that keeps the monkeys in doubt. Some people argue it shows great intelligence and other say it doesn't mean anything at all.) If anybody does cause trouble usually the rest of the town will rally and kick the trouble makers out of town. 

Two of the ogres stayed by the front door while the third crouched and made his way to the bar. Ogres stand about 9 to 10 feet tall. They are incredibly ugly, strong and stupid. Watching the ogre make his way to the bar without breaking anything was rather amazing.

The ogre grunted in the deepest bass voice I ever heard to the barkeeper, "We need human wizard. Where find one?"

And the barkeep pointed to me and said, "Just the man you need, Goodgulf the Wizard."

The ogre made his way to me and growled, "We need wizard, will pay good for services rendered."

Well, I was fairly bored and I hadn't had a steady paying job for a few weeks so money was getting a bit scarce and the fact that the ogre had said "services rendered" had intrigued me because I had never heard an ogre say more than two words at a time before, let alone anything multi-syllabic.

"Ok, what is the deal you have?"

"Not talk here, Ogre King has deal, I just messenger." He seemed proud of himself to get that all out. He must have worked for hours to memorize that line.

"Alright, just let me buckle on my sword, get my backpack and my hat and we will go." My hand had always been close to my wand. My sword is a magical rapier with a personality of its own. We can speak to each other telepathically. Most people in town think rapiers are for sissies but besides being intelligent, Swayvill (that is his name and he has told me that he is a "he") makes me an expert swordsman when I draw him. Now my hat is considered a bit odd for a wizard hat. Basically it is what people from your world call a suede cowboy hat.

I tried to keep up with the ogres but at ten feet tall they had very long legs and a fast stride. Now I stand at 5' 6" and weigh a whole 120 lbs. After the first mile I was completely winded. "Can you slow down a bit? You have me dog-ass tired."

The lead ogre looked at me and said, "Smasher, pick up puny human and carry pig-a-back, he too slow, never get to King Crusher."

Smasher gave me a look of pure disdain, then picked me up like a small child, put me on his back. I have to admit that if I hadn't have been humiliated by this ride it would probably have been a lot of fun.

-Here I am having a nice nap and when I wake you are being carried by an ogre for some god-awful reason. No doubt it either involves money or females.-

-Shut up Swayvill, these ogres have a job offer for me.-

-Good thing it is money, no telling what kind of females you would find among ogres.-

The ogres really started moving through the forest. They lived several miles from town in the foothills of the mountains to the west. There are several fast moving streams running through their territory.

I was taken before the King. The three ogres kneeled and the lead ogre grunted, "Here puny human wizard as ordered Sire."

Now the Ogre King was quite possibly the biggest, strongest, ugliest being I had ever seen. He was sitting on a boulder but I think if he stood up he would have been over 11 feet tall. His face looked like a bowl of burned oatmeal. Strangely enough, when he smiled he had a beautiful set of teeth. 

"Have need of wizard. Amazons steal Ogre King Crown. Will give sack of gold to wizard to return crown to ogres." He motioned to a huge sack sitting next to him. I did a quick spell and saw the sack was completely full of gold nuggets. It must have weighed twice what I did.

"Where did you get all of that gold?" I was astonished.

"Find in streams when fishing and playing with bears. Too soft for good weapons but good to trade because puny peoples like it."

"Aren't you afraid that others might try to get the gold out of the streams and away from you?"

"Ogres not smart but we know that nobody stupid enough to try stealing from ogres. We get very angry."

"Good point. So I have to get your crown from the Amazons and bring it here? Should I steal the Amazon Queen's panties while I am about it? That probably wouldn't be much more difficult."

"No, no need for her undies, just our crown." I guess he missed the sarcasm. "You get sack of gold when you bring us crown. Deal struck?"

Damn my greediness. "Yes, deal struck." We both spit in our hands and shook.

I started from the ogre town the next morning, the Amazons being located a few days south of the ogres.

-Oh so this adventure includes both money and females now, what a change from your usuall way of doing business.-

-Shut up Swayvill, this isn't about money.-

-Then I must be missing something. Would you care to explain?-

-Sure I would. This is about shit loads of money.-

Just then we were rather rudely interrupted by several goblins trying to rob me. Three goblins jumped out in front of me with short swords and shields. I dropped my backpack and drew Swayvill, dropping his scabbard as well and struck an en garde position. I felt all of the knowledge and skill flowing into me that I would need to fight and I also suddenly knew that there were six more goblins in hiding that were going to try to take my backpack as I fought. Those six didn't worry me because being a wizard I have placed spells on all of my possessions to make them impossible to steal.

Just as I was about to lunge at the first goblin I heard a rather loud "Ahem". I looked over to my left and I saw a tall woman standing there and she said in a rather deep voice "You know these three are just a diversion so others can take your possessions?"

"Yes but I still have to fight them if I wish to live." Some people have to be told everything.

She then announced "Goblins, I am going to stand watch over his pack. If the three fighting the human manage to kill him then I will let you have the pack. If they do not kill the human then you get nothing but you won't get it while they fight."

The fight started and it was over rather quickly. Goblins only stand about 4 feet tall and don't have much of a reach. I broke one goblin's sword hand with the flat of my sword, hilt bashed the second goblin in the back of the head to knock him out and kneed the third goblin in the balls when we went corp a corp. The goblins then picked up their wounded and decided that they had had enough and went looking for easier pickings.

I took my first look at the woman and was pleasantly surprised. She was rather pretty with straight black hair and amber eyes. She had a slim build and was wearing leather square cut shorts, a leather halter top and leather flat boots that ended just below her knees. She had a a round shield made of wood and covered with leather on her left arm, a huge broad sword belted to her left hip and big steel double-bitted battleaxe strapped to her back. The really unusual thing about her was she stood at about eight feet tall, this explained the deep voice.

"My name is Nell and I like the way you fight. Do you mind if I travel with you? I am an Amazon exile and I could use a bit of good company from somebody that knows how to use his sword."

-An Amazon exile? Isn't that just a happy coincidence?-

-Shut up Swayvill. Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer. She might be a bit of a help in the short run. Plus I like the way she said, "use his sword".-

-Oh I forgot, the usuall hunt for females.-

-Shut up Swayvill.-

"My name is Goodgulf and I am a wizard. I happen to be on my way to the Amazon village, could you guide me?"

"I can take you most of the way but I can't go there myself. It is getting late and we should find a safe place to stay for the night. Those goblins could be back."

We talked as we looked for a place to stay and got to know each other a bit. We found out that we were both 21 years old and she let me know she thought my scruffy beard was cute and she has a thing for red heads like me. I told her that the beard and mustache were a union requirement for all male wizards. Strangely enough the female wizards are actually known as witches and they have to wear black pointy hats for the same reason.

We found a farmer near by that let us sleep in his barn. To pay him for the use of the barn I did a few spells for him. First I dug a pit by wizardry for a new outhouse further away and down hill from his well and then I cast a water purification spell on the well because the old outhouse had contaminated his well. I had to explain to him about "tiny demons" from the outhouse getting into the well and making his family and all of his animals sick and they should be better now but when he digs a new outhouse pit himself to keep it far from the well.

Nell and I bedded down in the hay loft of the barn. I had three blankets in my pack. I usually use two beneath me and one above to stay warm when I am on the ground but being in the loft they weren't really needed. I turned to look at Nell and she was already laying on two of her blankets with one other blanket pulled over her up to her neck. Her clothes were sitting on her pack next to her. "Now show me how well you can use your sword."

I stripped in record time and was next to her under those blankets as fast as I could manage. She pushed me on top of her and we started kissing very deeply. 

I started kissing her neck and I felt her moan. I started using my teeth and she responded by squeezing me. I bit harder and she started moaning, "Oh yes, oh yes."

We spent several hours exploring each other's bodies until we finally fell asleep snuggled together.

In Part 2 of the story Nell explains what I really need to do to get the Ogre King's crown and why the ogres wanted me to do it.